life in the big apple.

"if theyre not paying your bills, pay them no mind"

2012-02-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

thats a quote from RuPaul. yes, i quoted a drag queen. actually, to be fair, my coworker said this to me and said i should blog it. i was telling him about something that was pissing me off about something a coworker said. he said this quote to me and it immediately made me think of my dad.

my dad was always telling me to do my best, work hard and be proud of yourself no matter what anyone thinks/says/does. in the spirit of the anniversary of my dad's passing i think its nice to be reminded that you just gotta do your thing. so many people arent going to like it...who cares?!

while feb 8th is lousy simply for what it stand for, id like to thank everyone for their calls/emails/texts.
i went to bed after watching some show called "too young to kill". i dont recommend this if you want to dream happy. i had a horrible nightmare...i dreamt my roomie janine, my mom and i were kidnapped and help captive (ironically by another good friend from high school). we attempted to escape by taking cell phones to the bathroom he had us followed. WHAT THE HECK?! i think i need to reevaluate the friendship i thought i had with this kid...haha, jk.

i should have just gone to bed after my phone call with aunt martha. i dont think anyone has a nightmare after laughing about fun memories. i prayed last night to dad...it brought a tear to my eye. i think he heard me. it was a good prayer. still makes me sad that hes not here with me, but aunt M as you helped me realize, hes up there watching over me making sure itll be ok :) xoxo

i joined tumblr.

2012-02-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

you can reach me at hilarmy.tumblr.com. see you there!

(i will still blog on here, but im trying to branch out). you understand :)

edited to add: tumblr is not what i thought it was. while i might randomly post there, i will continue to be post here as often as possible. that site is awkward. sorry for that false alarm.

is there something in the water?

2012-01-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

my god. i cant shake the feeling thats been plaguing me for about 2 weeks now. there just seems to be this heaviness and sadness that wont go away. feb 8th marks the 4th anniversary of my dad's passing and this time every year things just all become a shade of gray.

my best friend sent me the greatest text last night after our long chat.
"have a good night and stop worrying. you are wonderful and so strong. love you"

ali has always had the ability to make it better, whatever "it" is. she has a calming effect on me. its kinda fun knowing ill never have to pay for a therapist since i have the most awesome bff alive. granted, i might have to start paying her, but that would be money well spent.

im trying really hard to overcomensate for what i have lost, but sometimes it just hits me harder that what i am able to counterbalance. sometimes when you are in a weakened state everything gets magnified and you just feel worse.

so thanks flickey for keeping me grounded. youre priceless and i love you. xoxo

winterzine.

2012-01-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

ok fine, im going to do it. im actually going to submit something for winterzine. it goes against all my better judgement (or is that just my annoying "i gotta be hard on myself" brain talking?!) either way, im going to do it*

* i might do it. i d like to think i will do it. this is pressure!

im not feeling that creative at this moment. yep, thats the title.

2012-01-20T08:44:00.000-08:00

my last post was sorta lame. i know. i had started the post after the business trip and just finished it today...and i wont lie, i didnt care to talk about it anymore. honestly, it took a lot out of me and im tired just thinking about it :)

i am trying to keep a happy and light attitude despite this heinous weather. winter does just kinda suck, doesn't it? remember when, as kids, we'd long for snow days and sledding, hot chocolate and snowball fights? where does all that excitement go? i for one, refuse to lose all of it. the bummer of being an adult is that you're expected to persevere through shit like snow. for the first time in my life i am going skiing at the end of February. i haven't been back to Vermont since Lochearn, but i am heading back baby! myself and 38 others are heading to Stowe for a ski trip. woo. woo. i may break my face, but totally worth it! (ok, kidding. though im slightly worried about the amount i will be falling). maybe a cute boy will help me up?!

aside from the ski trip, which i have been crazy excited for for about a month now, i think im going to get a facial. this face could use some TLC. my boss gifted me with a "spa service" and i think i should use it. tough part about nyc is everything is pretty pricey so i dont do these often. ever, really. the other facial i had last year was a gift as well. (thank you rich friends!)

after a absolutely amazing and crazy last weekend (thank you mom, it was UNBELIEVABLE!) i am so planning a lazy weekend. i have a few parties next weekend that i have to go to, so i really want to chill. i battled a cold from sunday until now (friday) so id like to baby myself a bit. plus my boss told me were expecting 5-8 inches of snow this weekend. what the fuck is that nonsense?! oh, right, winter. ha, oops.

TGIF. no, really, thank god its friday. i wasnt going to make it another day. no thats not true...if it were wednesday id happily get up and go to work on thursday and friday. my point is just that thank jesus its friday.

so, tarrytown.

2012-01-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

last week was the longest week of my life. dont get me wrong, i am not trying to complain too much, but it was rough.

in fact, i felt so burned out i teared up on my way home tuesday night. when i get really tired, really overwhelmed and stressed and i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel i miss my dad and get bummed. wow, that was one hell of a run-on sentence...haha, my 8th grade english teacher would be so proud.

i was a co-lead on running a corporate offsite we were holding in tarrytown, approx 35-45 min outside of the city. the area itself is pretty...its where the rockefellers and vanderbilts all had estates. the vast grass land and mansions brings you back to the 1800's...kinda neat when you are so used to midtown NYC.

we arrived at our office at 7am, with a planned leave time of 7:30am. upon arrival we didnt stop until that night around 10pm. with the next morning call time at 6:30am, ill just say i was a tad tired. BUT, we had bags and bags of candy that i happily ate my way through, so i was definitely hopped up on sugar.

there were parts of this conference that were pretty stressful. the head honcho of RDA international...the BIG GUY was there and i was working on some stuff for him. sheesh! also, my boss's boss personally asked me to work on a few things he wanted to present to the group. oh ok, yea sure. i think my blood pressure was 10090909029 the whole 3 days.

without going on and on too much about my week, ill just say this: i am very thankful for the opportunity to prove myself in times like this. i was so tired, stressed and burned out, but ultimately i guess its worth it. (maybe not to the extent i felt, cause im pretty sure you can die from living like that), but at a more moderate level.

at the end of the trip everyone was happy, and really thats all that matters. oh and i met bret michaels. i was never a poison fan, and will never become one, but it was still cool. and a picture is forever.

from tarrytown to armstrongs and mom in town the fun never stops!

tarrytown.

2012-01-11T19:00:00.001-08:00

holy shit. ill update later. but holy shit. haha hows that for a tease.

my streak ended.

2012-01-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

i cracked today. ok, lets rewind. heres how my day went.

- i left my house at 6am this morning and got home at 7pm. yes, there was some stress eating. gross.
- i dropped my ipod in a sidewalk grate on the way to work. sweet.
- the boy i hung out with on saturday has not asked to hang out again. go me! this is not helping my "im pretty sure i will be dying alone" syndrome.
- i need to lose 5-10 pounds.
- i will be spending the next 2 days in bumfuck new york during a work conference. yehaw!
- on a lighter, funnier note, bret michaels has my personal cell number and will be calling me thursday.
- life made me sad today, so i cried. i knew it was coming..you know when you can just feel it?
- i got a bill for $700 for my mole removal. maybe i should have just taken the cancer. fuck.
- i know its my fault, but ive been out late a lot and havent gotten enough sleep. so im in a great mood ;)
- i feel the way a team feels when their coach is not at the game. they can still play well, as they are trained and ready, but having coach on the sideline just feels better. thats how i feel about my dad not being here. sometimes i just feel empty, sad, confused, average or like screaming "what the fuck".
- im getting my period in a few days so im pretty sure thats whats fueling all this.

starting monday i will be switching over to training mode. roomie and i are planning to run in the nyc half marathon march 20th. we each have to raise $1500. in the meantime, i will be overindulging as i have no choice (work, work, work, work, dinners out, drinking weekend, etc. armstrongs and mom will be here this weekend too, so DUH to fun!). then i will get serious. i have a PR to make happen.

picture evidence of the 2012 PBR

2012-01-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

the PBR was crazy intense last night. it was an absolute ball but had a few moments where im pretty sure some cowboys are forever broken. the last rider of the night got bucked off the bull after 6.5 seconds only to be trampled 4 times. he even got kicked in the face!

the most insane thing to me is that had he held on for 1.5 more seconds not only would he have won the night, but he would have been fine. instead, he was carried off on a stretcher, pretty much lifeless.

on a lighter note, they had a jousting competition. yes, just like medieval times. i dont really understand how they score jousting, but it was cool to watch.

i invited sean to be my date for the night. hes super cool and we had fun.

huge thank you to uncle A...im loving this yearly PBR tradition. cant wait for PBR 2013.

PBR 2012!

2012-01-05T12:04:00.000-08:00

it is that time again...heading to the PBR this saturday! i had one of the most fun nights of my life last year and cant wait to go again.

i only own one plaid shirt so i decided to buy one. my roomie also offered up hers so i actually have 2 options. i just got back from hollister (its so awkward/weird/annoying/hot/frsuterating to go in there after the age of 15. really)...tho the dude with the abs was funny.

itll be between my roomies purple/black top or my aqua/navy one. last resort could be a repeat of last year, but really, thas embarrasing. i can and should be able to not repeat an outfit 2 years in a row.

its pretty incredible its already been a year since the last time we went to the PBR. im pretty stoked to say hello to all those guys we met last year...that was a pretty amazing night. i see some more dancing in my future. and pictures! hellllo pictures!...on a superficial note, itll be nice not to have odd orange/reddish hair in photos. what the hell was that?!

have you noticed that this week is dragging. like going stupid slow? yea, me too. annoying :)

porkstravaganza 2012 ruled.

2012-01-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

a big shout out to the amazingness that has become our new years day tradition. now that we dont live at home, i think its sooo cool that a bunch of us get together to celebrate being hung over from new years eve and cook amazing food and drink dozens of bottles of champagne, wine and beer. the picture is a snapshot of a few of the more intense things we cooked.

we also took a torch to broule bacon, made meatballs and had vegan desserts. it was pretty epic.

this party went for 12 hours...we cooked sick amounts of food and drank sick amounts of alcohol. i spent new years day with some of my favorite people and even met a few new ones. one in particular i fancy :) while said crush isnt in the below picture, a couple of my fave guy friends are.

after crashing at matts house last night (guy in the above pic all the way to the left) i am exhausted!! i am super dreading work tomorrow. why do we have to go back to real life?

hello from midtown

2011-12-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

ehh i know the quality isnt great but thats my view tonight. well, every night really. in the 3 months i have lived here there has only been one night i closed my blinds and it was on my birthday. i got home at 5am and thought closing them would keep out the sun. im pretty sure at 5am nothing matters. i slept fine.

well, were entering the new year and i have a new crush! there always has to be one (really, five) right?!? ;) happy new year!

hello 2012!!

2011-12-31T10:19:00.000-08:00

a few of my last posts have been posted out of order. getting back into this blogging thing left me so excited i started about 3 posts and forgot to post them!

here we are. new years eve! this is as good an opportunity as any to once again appreciate where i live, my friends and family. i live about 5 blocks from times square. i walk by it on my way to work and glance up at the big ball thats going to drop tonight (which, by the way, is super small, but shh i wont kill the dream) and that seems insane. as a kid i fondly remember visiting this place and being amazed by all the lights, the noise, the movement. now that i live here its sometimes hard not to get annoyed with the tourists, traffic and lack of privacy.

im thrilled about starting a new year. 2011 was a good one and i hope for more of the same in 2012. i dont really make outlandish resolutions, i will exercise 5 hours everyday! i will dress to the nines everyday! i will only eat kale! i wont be obsessed with boys! so i just want health and happiness to those that i love.

i couldnt anything better than going for a run wearing shorts SHORTS!! december 31st. please god, let this be a foreshadowing of what is going to be a mild winter. haha that picture is ridiculous, i know. but i think my blog lacks pictures and lacks amusement so im attempting to post pictures (regardless of how silly or imperfect) to help tell my stories. i really am going to wear that running and im ok with that.

im off to impress those walking on park avenue. im pretty sure they will be coveting this entire outfit after i pass them. "dear, i must have that! she looks stunning!"

12.25.11

2011-12-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

i am hoping to start my christmas day in a way i think would make my dad very proud, not to mention Jesus...starbucks. (theres no way these guys can have a time off right...right?!).

edited to add: starbucks is NOT OPEN on christmas day. i was not happy for me...um, i think im addicted, but i was happy for those that work at starbucks...i guess its not run by overly caffenated nazi's. who knew??!

this AM we are heading to hospice to volunteer to serve christmas dinner. with the candlelight church service last night, hospice today and way WAY too much candy being eaten i am on the verge of tears, but im holding it together. something about crying with strangers screams WEIRDO and i am not about to do that.

yesterday mom and i went to king of prussia to do a bit of for-fun shopping. despite everyones attempts as wooing us away (itll be crazy! wow youre nuts! why would you do that!) we had a ball. i wont lie, i thought everyone would be right...that it would have been a madhouse, but it wasnt bad.

i almost cheated.

2011-12-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

i debated starting a new blog. i was looking to start fresh and thought i wanted a clean blog to do it with, but then i thought why? my life is messy and it has a past so if people read back on the past few years thats ok.

so im back from christmas break. it was lovely to be home :) while i cant live there quite yet, there is something so safe and happy about being home. i guess thats why its home :)

this year helping out with christmas dinner at hospice was super difficult. the moment we arrived i had a raging headache. i felt heavy and oddly sad. while food was heating up in the ovens i ventured down the hall to my dads room. i stood by the door to look in (i didnt want to go in since someone was in there) and just stood still. memories of those 7 days came flashing back to me. i stood there outside the very room where i lost my dad. i thought i had gotten to a place where i could be ok with all those memories, but i dont think that will ever be true. after a few minutes i walked back toward the kitchen as mom was walking toward me. i broke down as she hugged me so tight.

"mom, i need a minute. i didnt know this was going to happen"
"hil, take all the time. i am so proud of you"

even writing this is tough. i cant imagine fighting this battle with anyone other than my mom. she is so supportive of those mini breakdowns and i am so thankful for her. i helped a bit longer and ran home. my head was so heavy and hurt from holding back so much emotion that i knew a run was the only thing that could help me. i cranked up my headphones to a pretty deafening level and ran home. it wasnt super long, about 30-40 minutes or so, but man, it felt good.

ok, on to happier things :)...

say hi to buddy!!

we are dog sitting this week. pramila's cousin couldnt take the dog to chicago so he's with us. his name is buddy and he is some sort of mixed breed...mom, you can probably help me with this. its SO fun having a little guy here to take care of. it wouldnt be the kind id choose for myself, but thats ok. i will admit the 10 degree weather we had the other day did not make for a happy hilary walking him but thats ok. something about me learning to dress appropriately for winter will help im sure :)

hello bloggie!!!

2011-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

wow. it is december 4th my friends and i have severely neglected my blog.

so much has been going on in the past 6 weeks. i moved. i ran a mud run. ive been on a million dates. i think ive slept a total of 10 hours. ive had a lot of wine. i have fallen in love with 56040845 boys. ive dyed my hair dark then light then back to dark again. ive laughed...a lot. ive kissed a few frogs, and seen a few celebs.

i now live in hells kitchen with 3 friends. its a great pad...were having a lot of fun.

more updates to come i promise...this was just a teaser.

the weekend of september 30 might actually kill me

2011-07-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

last night katie, ali and i went to a movie on the water (outdoor movie screen on the water) and while snacking on the most delicious popcorn, candy and chocolate we talked about doing the down and dirt mud run 10K

i am moving September 30/October 1
i am running a 10K mud run October st2nd

2 things that very much need their own weekend. im doing it at once. i am a girl of extremes.

i am running it with a few besties. theres a chance we might die. going down smelling like mud and being covered in sweat is exactly how id like to go out.

the big guy has a birthday tomorrow

2011-07-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

its like clockwork...grief, i mean. you find yourself experiencing times where the heaviness of what you have lost doesnt seem to be the focus of your thoughts. other times you find tears are a mere word, though, memory or pictre away. grief is a funny thing. it cant be cured, and it cant be stopped. if i am being optimistic, i might even go so far as to say grief represents just how great something once was in your life that you just cant imagine life without it.

that was dad. i know he is all around me, and sending me signs when he can. i just dont get it tho...death. what?! in the same sense that its SO easy to gain weight, its SO easy to just die. poof. over.

id like to think he'll be up there munching on some cake and dancing all around the room. though he was a bit on the shyer side, he could definitely shake it! especially when provoked :) haha, youre welcome dad. id personally request "our" songs (we had a handful) and just laugh until i keeled over.

58. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! i know im a few hours early, but your birthday deserves the exctra time.
my dad would have looked great at 68. 78. 88. 98. he totally could have made it to 98. i bet he would have still had a 6-pack..and been tan and agile. and probably still working. crazy he was :)

this week has been mentally tough in regards to my dads birthday. its amazing what living in the most magical city, with the most magical friends can do to a girl. while i have my days of blahs, where i just cant find the point in what happened no matter how hard i try, more often than not, im ok. i want my dad to be proud, and i have a lot to live for, so i ultimately am not going to sit at home and wallow in the depths of dispair. hed cringe if he knew i was sad.

my dad's smile could light up a room. my dad could break down all my girly annoyances and make me feel beautiful. he ran with me. he actually thought i was a pretty cool person. he listened to the backstreet boys in the car with me. we balanced it out with metallica, the foo fighters and coldplay, but he still let me have my silly girl music. and boys? he was a saint. he loved meeting boyfriends...(probably wanted to secretly have them killed), but he was so cool with all of them. he visited me throughout college. he believed in me...even when i didnt feel he had a reason to. he never once complained in front of me how hard he had to work, how tired he was, or how sick he felt. he never complained out loud about fat days, annoying people or stupid, trivial shit. we gosspied in our own world, but he never let me feel like the world was a big, scary, tough place. i joked with him about girl problems, makeup and falling in love (it happened a lot). haha. he was there when i had a pregnancy scare at 13 (you dont want to know. but its cool, ali had one too). WE ARE WEIRD. he was there for all the bruises, scars and soccer games. he was there as a friend, a dad, a coach and a superhero.

if you are still reading this, whoa. congrats. basically, writing is my therapy. i work through thoughts, and feelings that my head is full of. i come to know this: while i may not be able to talk to or touch my dad, he is with me always. i am so much a part of him...i feel it, i know it, im told it.

so there ya have it folks. life is a day-by-day journey of ups and downs. its good, its bad, its happy and its sad. but its 100% worth it, 100% of the time. and if you ever think otherwise, spend a day with ali and i...we will make you happier than you thought possible :) oh, i guess some credit is due to prosecco. and chocolate. and boys. and sugar. and birthdays. and boys. ok...you get it.

sunday.

2011-07-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

i think that was the most perfect day of my life. if i could spend every day like yesterday, WHOA!
basically it included a movie, drinking, cute boys, lots of chocolate, sex and the city, shakespeare in the park, wedding shoe shopping, a snack-fest in starbucks underground, a trip to brooklyn library, a walk all over brooklyn, a hilarious heart-to-heart, a sunset stroll, ice cream cake, wedding chatter, more boys, grocery store sampling and dinner. ended with a shower and a true fight not to go to bed. but the day had to end.

ps, if you havent already, you must try frozen bananas covered in chocolate at TJ's. holy hell. DELISH!

and my friends, its back at work today. but its going to be a fun month ;)

whoa.

2011-07-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

i felt it starting around 4:30pm. that familiar feeling that tears are just a moment away. i kept my focus at work, but it weakened a bit on the train. i pressed the + key on my ipod to increase the volume so that my head could focus on something else.

then, as i got off the train, it happened. i teared up. a phone call to mom was all i needed. i was in the grocery store loading up on candy and dinner for later, but she talked to me until i got home.

there are times where i just cant be strong. with dads birthday a week away, im feeling particularly vulnerable. i fear the hole that is left will never be filled...even in a small way, by a love of my own.

im scared for that. its funny, after my previous post about how magical some moments have been, im still human, and still fear im not enough for someone. i might not be pretty enough. or rich enough. or thin enough. or popular enough. i dont have my dad to tease me about my boy nonsense...haha, im sure hes up there with his head in his hands, being like "god, i just gotta tell her to relax"...

dad, i know what youd tell me. and i want to believe it, i do. mom says it too. (and we all know shes always right)...i just am not convinced. but, mom knows best so ill trust her on this one :)

thanks for getting me through today mom. its me and you on this journey and im really lucky you let me be me and are there for me. its pretty cool how were weak and strong at exact opposite times.

ohh life, you are so hard and complicated, sad and cruel sometimes. but dad, i know youre up there looking down. and i know we will be ok. right?! a sign would be nice :) haha. im overdue for one of those.

night all.

new york city

2011-07-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

a lot of cool life moments have happened in new york, even before i started living here.
there is such a magic to this city...the lights, the pace, the energy.

with my dads 58th birthday upon us, i begin to take stock in my surroundings. id give anything, and i mean anything to have him back. even for one more day. i went back through herleys past headline news, and just relived some cool moments on behalf of my dad. he was a special dude. ill be completely honest with you bloggie, im not convinced i will find me one of those. whats scary is that i actually do want to to fall in love. for the first time, i actually think im ready for a real relationship. ive dated some amazing guys, no doubt, but in college i was playing around, and with aaron, well, my dad had just died and i couldnt completely focus on us when i was so newly grieving. ive met and dated a few boys in nyc, and its been fun. but i have yet to feel like i found "him"

the boy that i will end up with will be strong. he will be up for a fight, cause ill be honest, ill give him one (not even necessarily on purpose, mind you). he will know how to give me space, but also knock down my walls. he will be cute, of course, but in no specific way. i dont really have a type, i just know it when i know it.

i can count on one hand the number of times ive really, realllly liked a guy. i crush on everyone, but in this case, i mean like. the kind of like where you talk about the future, trips, moments and life. the kind of like where you introduce each other to friends and family. the kind of like where you attend personal ceremonies, family traditions and learn to have your own secret code. the kind of like where you no longer feel embarassed about things, but learn to love the imperfections that happen.

i wish i had met matt now. i loved him in college, but at 18, 19 and 20 i was not ready to hang with one guy. i went to school with 42,000 kids. all horny, and most hot. timing was just off. i still love him now, as he was my first love (sorry high school, you dont count), so he always has a piece of me. we still keep in touch, but we are sadly separated by 3000 miles.

a big part of my heart also belongs to aaron. what we share(d) (past, present and future) is something i really cherish. again, we both made mistakes, but were human. ive learned a lot since that relationship. our relationship spans cities states and time zones. i wouldnt deny a second shot with him...my heart says its ok :)

in terms of peter. well, thats ones a question mark. we have chemistry, and hes totally adorable, hes just very gun shy. he apparently never goes after girls. thats tough, cause im not that shy, so i dont do well when the dude is shyer than me. we have a pretty drunk month of august planned, so im sure there will be updates.

aside from boys, im finding a good place within myself. i welcome junk food into my life, i enjoy cooking with friends, and i refuse to not eat something because it contains sugar, fat or a lot of calories. life tastes good, and it sure doesnt come weighing in at 80 pounds. i work out hard so i can think less about what i eat. hell, if my dad could eat M&Ms, ice cream, snickers and beef, and still have a six pack, im pretty sure i can too. and if a little sugar is going to help get me through a very stressful 12+ hour day, then so be it.

i like waking up without a plan. i like when brunch falls into place, when a movie date just presents itself or when a trip to the hamptons becomes totally necessary. i also love days when i have nothing to do but errands and a run. knowing i have a day to get shit done, run and get ready for a night out is bliss.

im psyched to move to hells kitchen. im psyched about my roomies and im psyched about double/triple dates. im excited about having people around...all.the.time. im excited to get ready to go out, to cook together and have slumber parties. woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

and hopefully throughout all of this, one of the 9.4 million people in this city will fall in love with me. i have my doubts, but its possible, right?! riiight?!?!

hopefully the rest of the work day will go by pretty uneventfully. sometimes you just need those kind of days.
especially since sara and i, once again, ate our way through duane reade's candy aisle. yum!

the magic of AC

2011-07-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

i lasted long enough. my internal organs were about 6565656 degrees, and i knew it was time.
i finally got a window AC unit. holy hell, my life has vastly imroved. for fear of an energy bill, i dont keep it on much, usually just when i sleep, but WHOA! you cant live without AC, you just cant. its like the internet, its not a luxury, its a necessity.

on another note, saw harry potter last night. i have not read any of the books, and havent seen a single movie. im a sucker for hanging out with friends, and boys, so i went. OMG OMG OMG it was awesome!!!!!! i really loved it. had no idea. didnt see it coming. but go see it...NOW. its amazing.

ok back to work :)

its monday. im hot. and tired. and my brain was thinking random things...

2011-07-12T13:55:00.001-07:00

1. When I hang out with my family and friends, I feel so happy and free and understood and cozy. I think I can eat whatever I want with them and not gain weight, and actually believe there are cool boys out there that like me! Basically what im saying is life is not nearly as cool or fun as when I am with my mom or friends. But I think we all knew that, right?!

2. Why is it that the guy you want to text you doesn’t, but the dude you don’t give a shit about won’t stop?

3. One of the most annoying things is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! And they always, ALWAYS sit in the seat right in front of me. Doesn’t he see I want to put my feet up? Happened Saturday night, haha!

4. What am I looking for? What do I ultimately want? I want my future husband to know BETTER than me! I want him to make me feel safe. I want him to be my best friend. I want him to ‘get’ me. to get ‘it’. I want him to be handsome, tall, sexy, funny, smart, a gentleman, loyal, and successful. I want to be fascinated by him. I want to respect him and believe in what he does. And vice versa. I want him to be the missing piece in my life, and add amazingness to my extended family. My parents wouldn’t want me to settle for anything less! It may sound like a lot…but its worth it!

5. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too good at being single, and that I won’t know how to make room for someone else in my life if/when I find them…or when he finds me?

Susie Kelley, Inc.

2011-07-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

had an amazing weekend with mom! (and gamma!)

basically, we ate a lot of popcorn (yay movies, and sheetz), candy, and home cooked meals.
we rented a movie, went to see one, kicked ass in body pump and had an impromptu dance party (we even dougied!)

curious to know what else we did!? we launched Susie Kelley Art on Facebook. We created a fan page so that my mom can showcase her talent. She has entered an art show at the end of Septemeber (spread the word!) and we are now launching her full steam ahead. I am focused on being her business manager and being in charge of getting her name out there, grabbing freelance accounts, etc.

Susie Kelley, Inc. has been launched.

hilary kelley in hells kitchen

2011-07-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

i see a blog renaming in the future. hk in hk. HA!

the countdown to the big manhattan move has begun: 11 weeks.
ok so not a super scientific countdown, but im not that crazy. or bored enough to actually count the days.

indepence day

2011-06-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

as we approach july 4th, i cant help but think back a year ago when i was spending the 4th down in huntington beach, ca. ive thought about this a lot throughout the year, thinking about my year in LA verus my year (so far) in NYC.

im pretty happy that ive experienced life on both coasts. while i think im done with cali for a while, at least if i had to set a plan, i am happy i did it. my life is back east, and new york has been magic to my life. i get why it isnt for everyone...but it is for me.

there is an energy here that is truly incredible. and the boys...whoa. east coast boys are so different than west coast boys, its pretty hilarious. though i do dig both, i am happy with my east coast options at the moment.

i am gearing up to move into midtown and out of brooklyn at the end of the summer. im moving to hells kitchen with 4 girls. yes, you can help, thanks for offering :)

two different cities, two different years. same person, crazy different experiences. i wish things could have turned out different with aaron, but i guess timing was off or something?! :) haha.

ok ok im babbling. im thinking about what i should do with my hair when i head home this month (i know, soooo important), im thinking about how great it will be to have monday off, and im thinking about boys. boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys.

ill be back later when i can focus. this is ridiculous.

southampton reflection

2011-06-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

im obsessed with the matching undies we cousins got this weekend. yes the world should think we are "so hot" when staring at our ass. in bright orange cotton.

im pretty impressed by how much we eat. yea, we rule.

we dom. plain and simple. and yes, dwight, you gay dom.

packing a cooler to sit on the beach and drink was one of the coolest moments ive had in a long time. there is nothing id rather do than hang out with family and play with puppies. with my toes in the sand.

...unless of course its crush on boys. whoa.

if you dont like hammonds pretzels there is something wrong with you. drew, i have no idea what happened to you. :) our family should own stock in that company. or be spokespeople. oo, business opp?

if you are out shopping and people are being pissy, laugh. and tell them that if spending the weekend in the hamptons is their idea of a rough life, they need to reevaluate a few things. having to stand in line at panera to order is no reason to be a bitch. lighten up lady. and get laid. (maybe she should have mozied on over to VS to get some saucy underwear).

watching you tube with family is by far the most hysterical thing you can do. EVER.

there are times when its completely appropriate to drink wine like water. and hit on cops. and break into friends houses and set of their alarm. and eat M&Ms for breakfast. and not shower for a day.

thank you nancy for an incredible pilates workout. holy hell you worked my body. we all walked around the weekend like 98 year old people. whoa.

this weekend heightened my need for a puppy. laura and i think a co-parenting will work :)
man oh man, there is nothing like puppy love.

i need a crush. a good one. suggestions/help welcome.

sometimes you just need your nails painted bright red. toes too.

homemade cupcakes really are the most amazing things on the planet. amazing job ali.

its funny how everything is better with family. youre having fun working out, you eat fun food without going crazy or overthinking it, you get to sit and drink on the beach reminiscing about life then and now, and you get to drink lots of wine laughing about everything imagineable. family makes life magical. you feel untouchable. i found myself looking around the room just being so happy at who was there.

you know your family is cool when they all admit to beiber fever.

its a good sign when you cant possibly fathom going to bed to spend one second away from family.

cant wait to do it all over again soon :) xoxo

winning

2011-06-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

yeaaa charlie sheen. you crazy bastard.

we have this thing at work called RDA cares where you volunteer to do a number of things to help. it can be cleaning up parks, donating clothes, donating time, etc. various prizes are given out sporadically, and this last time I WON! the gift could not have been more awesome (except if i had won an ipad2). i won $250 to the charity of my choice. yayyyy....lets cure CJD, baby!!!

we dom (this will continue to make me laugh until the day i die)

2011-06-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was AWESOME!!!!. laura, dwight and i drove out to the hamptons fri night, and hilarity insued immediately. one of the best road trips i have had in a long time! i swear, you can see ANYTHING in new york city. so much so, that i feel confident saying that if you havent seen it in nyc, it doesntt exist.

fast forward to arrive in southampton. we had been texting and chatting with everyone en route, so it was fun to finally arrive. we were greeted with the hugest hugs and laughter! and we met baby leroy!!! obsessed.
uncle andy had pizza ordered by the time we arrived so we got right to grubbing. while sitting and eating, we were laughing about so much stuff and having an awesome time. there was a knock on the door so uncle andy went to go answer it. he announced that the pizza guy was back cause he had forgotten to leave one of the pies. dwight was so funny and was like "hope its hawaiian!!" we look up in pizza anticipation and in walks DREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the night before uncle andy had emailed me trying to get drew to come surprise mom but when i called him he said no, he just couldnt do it. sneaky boys, very sneaky. of course mom cried. then we ate cupcakes.

the night was spent just enjoying good wine, food, and family. and 6 pounds of hammonds pretzels. this crew can put it away :)

we woke up to fruit and bagels, coffee and puppies!!

just want to give a big THANK YOU to everyone this weekend. had so much fun. writing all the things we did saturday and sunday seems tedious, as i lived it. it was a classic weekend...and i am so happy and thankful to be a part of this family :)

hi, im hilary

2011-06-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

figured i needed to re-intro myself as its been a hell of a long time since i blogged. whoa.
ive been living in my apt in brooklyn for just over 8 months. holy hell did that go by fast.

lets catch up shall we? father's day was yesterday...the actual day was a lot less painful than all the buildup of consumerism all over the place. cards and deals and commercials everywhere advertising father's day. the actual day was spent with best friends, eating all over nyc. pretty perfect. it had been a pretty tough 2 weeks or so...i found myself feeling pretty vulnerable. despite having gotten so strong, there are times my head just wants to cry. i was rewriting a few pages of my book (that i will publish one day, you watch!) and did tear up a bit. when i get in the zone of writing about those past 3 years, my thoughts become so vivid. the sights, the smells, dad's face. it is all so clear.

its summer here in the city. WOO! not having AC sucks...and makes for some awfully hot nights, but im so happy. im happy to be slumming it in nyc, im happy to not be getting nearly enough sleep, im happy to eat chocolate and candy at 3am with my best friends, im happy to be going on all sorts of crazy, fun, good and bad dates with all sorts of boys, go to fun restaurants, bars, walk across bridges and meet famous faces. nyc is right where i belong.

i am moving in about 3.5 months. im moving in with one of my best friends, a coworker and a random (who is super awesome). we will be living in hells kitchen (which is ironic, cause when i came to look at places before i went to LA, it was my fave area). seems it was meant to be :)

the best part of life is that its clean and easy one minute and messy and sad the next. some days i wake up feeling pretty put together and strong. others, just sorta cloudy and unsure about why i dont have dad around. i swear i could write a 100000000000000000 page book on my thoughts and it still wouldnt cover everything.

every day there are questions i dont understand, things that arent fair and people that piss me off on the subway. sometimes i get so hot in my apt i cant sleep very well and have moments that i dont really feel like commuting to work. you know what? it all makes me laugh and smile. im happy to have moments like all those that provide fodder for best friend drinks out, dinner or sleepovers. life is soo fun and i like every bit of it. all the good, all the bad. all of it. i miss my dad the most out of everything, but i hope hes watching down having a bit of a laugh at his daughter. i hope to provide him comedic fodder for the rest of my life.

i will be back with more updates. but know that life is good. even when its bad :)

ready, set, whoa!

2011-04-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

first, let me start by saying today marks the first official day i am an RDA employee and not a freelancer with The Premier Group! wooo!

the last few days, and most of last week has been a combination of creepy weird, sickenly hectic, super sad and really fun. sounds like a bi-polar, drug-induced bad trip doesnt it?! welcome to my brain. and life :)

im happy work is crazy busy...i mean, working on 656 projects at once is a bit headache-inducing, but thats ok. im proud and excited to be working hard. im including a few pics of a recent charity basket i put together on top of the other deadline-crazed things that seem to be happening. im pretty proud of it. my office bestie sara and i kicked ass on it.

so much going on, but ill update later. i just thought lil ol' bloggie needed a picture. she was getting a bit boring. that, and i really am feeling so much right now. im majorly PMSing...explain to me why we need to have a period, again? thats right...we dont. thanks mother nature.

with my happy monthly gift, im experiencing a bit of daddy depression. mixed with a gnarly hangover, id say, houston we have a problem. HA!

ok, more later!

bestest birthday week

2011-03-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

hApPy bIrThdAy b!!!!!!

while it started this past weekend, we are celebrating the life of my bestest this whole week.
ill start by saying it was the most awesome weekend.

a few of the highlights:

I fell in love. oh, like your surprised. ha!

no really, I did.

Arizona WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won a backrub and $2. it was a BIG deal.

I don’t know how to sleep anymore.

we lived on chips and guac, cake and ice cream, butter and biscuits, pizza, wings, beer and french fries this weekend. nope, don’t feel bad. fatter, but not bad.

we went to the comedy cellar and have never laughed so hard and had so much fun…the headliner was colin quinn. he was by far the worst comic, which tells you how great the rest were.

we had a brunch for around 14 people…when it came time to sing ali happy birthday, the next tables over joined our fun. were fun people

I shared my cake spoon with a cute boy.

im now obsessed with hint-of-lime tortilla chips. they are crack in chip form. right, ali?? ha!

I gave myself a hair trim. ha!

im confident that i will survive this week...but its TOUGH. there have been points during the day when its actually been hilariously painful how tired i am. 10000000% worth it. did i mention i have a crush?? poor guy :) haha.

there was sooo much more to the weekend, but the highlights do a pretty good job summarizing. why did this week start with such shitty weather?? hi spring! come back. thanks.

2011-03-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

its monday baby!
i was pretty much in and out of the apt yesterday, but caughts snippets of the newest season of the real world on mtv. (ps, anyone else think this is the most ironic name for this show? should be called "spring break". or "drunken hook up". or just plain "sex and alcohol" or "std giveaway"). anyway, i digress. they showed one of the roommates having a tender moment regarding how he was going to tell him roommates hes on a show called "fratpad" where dudes live together and are pretty much naked and do crazy things, have sex and who knows what else. he emphasizes that he isnt gay.

my confusion here is this: how are you that cool with all that stuff when you arent gay? i have a ton of guy friends (both gay and straight) and none of the straight guys would just chill with each other naked. or touch each other with their shirts off. or have sex with each other for entertainment. or videotape it for youtube.

um yea. google it...let me know what you think.
i have my thoughts...and im pretty confident in what i am thinking.

continuing on the trash tv train, tonight is the finale of the bachelor.
while i couldnt care less, sometimes its fun trash tv. granted, its always more fun when you like the dude.
i just dont feel that attracted to a 39 year old. not being ageist (hes cute, sweet), im just not there.

im stinking tired today. i slept so bad last night. ugh.
we have an older guy in the office who lost his father a week ago. hes still out.
looking back, i really wish i had taken time off. can i bank those days now? i just didnt have the
luxury to take days off without pay...i support myself and needed the money. kinda makes me
appreciate salaries.

im moving in super slow-mo today. this post has taken me about 6 hours. lordy. im just hitting send, and will write something more profound later. heres to enjoying some trash tv later.

because its friday...

2011-03-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

from the lovely ladies at Glamour, here are 12 things every woman deserved in life:

1. a statement bag, even if the statement is "who cares about statement bags"

2. more than one square foot of space on any form of public transportation (umm, id suggest never moving to nyc then. this just doesnt exist. and if you try to gain personal space someone will push you, yell at you or flat out punch you. ok, maybe not actually punch you. but probably)

3. fresh flowers once a week. self-picked dandelions count. (remember when you were little and you rubbed dandelions on your face? no? only i did that? ohh, ok)

4. a say in whether and when you become a mother. (if im ready now, does the boy have to say yes?)

5. love you can feel, even from 1000 miles away. (or 3000. ha)

6. a few days filled with flip-flops, tropical sunsets and the sound of steel drums. (or, if youre a kelley, wear sandals and shorts all year round)

7. a teen mom marathon the day youre home with a fever (i can think of a million shows id rather watch, but you get the idea)

8. at least one person you can call at 3:28am. (haaaa)

9. the shinier hair, thicker lashes or plumper lips you just shleed out $12.99 for

10. orgasms on demand, sans or avec partner

11. one pet (yours or someone elses) who has a special thing for your lap

12. a truly excellent profile picture

i added my comments in parenthesis. i feel it gives it a bit of a personal touch. that, and i always read these with such sarcasm that i feel compelled to comment. i dont totally feel the whole list, so i feel like i need to give my 2 cents.

2011-03-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

hello there folks.
its thursday (thank god) and this shit-tastic weather outside better clear up by the time i head home, cause i didnt bring an umbrella-ella-ella with me today. awesome :)

...but im told that its supposed to be like end-of-the-world monsooning all night. fabulous. im going to get drenched. cool. nothing i like more than being shoved on the subway after a long day at work, then doing all of that WET. with other wet people.

as a side note, i filed my taxes all by myself this year. WOOO! high-five for being an adult. and if i avoid jail, even better (hoping i filed correctly, etc). i feel pretty smart and accomplished about it, i wont lie. literally, all by myself. go me. (you can make fun of me, thats fine. its the little things that get me excited). haha!

also, today marks the 1 month anniversary of my job. more on that later.

RIP mr dewey. yesterday morning one of my best friends lost his dad to pancreatic cancer. he fought a good fight, but ultiamtely joined my dad yesterday...hi guys!!! i hope youre showing him the ropes, dad! i love you!

aaand, on that note, i gotta go. so much going on and so much to share!....in time :)....maybe.

if you ever meet him...RUN!

2011-03-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

I worked at the Corporate HQ for American Apparel in the fall of '09 to the fall of '10.
The company CEO is Dov Charney and he is infamous for being a skeeze. I could share thousands of horror stories that I personally experienced, as well as thousands more from people I know.
Here is the most recent lawsuit pending against him:
(why is he not in jail yet???)

American Apparel CEO Hit With $260M Sex Suit

By Dan Rivoli
Law360, New York (March 8, 2011) -- American Apparel Inc. founder and CEO Dov

Charney was hit with a $260 million suit on Friday from a former employee that reportedly
claimed Charney forced her to perform sexual acts on him for eight months.
Irene Morales, a 20-year-old who worked in an American Apparel store, filed the suit in the
Supreme Court of the State of New York, County of Kings, accusing Charney of holding her
prisoner in his Manhattan apartment and forcing her to have sex with him, according to
published reports.

Morales met Charney in August 2007 while she was a 17-year-old sales associate at an
American Apparel store in Chelsea, N.Y., the New York Post reported. The suit says that
Charney threatened to fire her if she did not tell him about her sexual history and send
him explicit pictures, according to the Post.

When she turned 18, Charney allegedly invited Morales to his apartment. When she
arrived, he forced her to perform fellatio on him, the Post reported.
The allegedly nonconsensual sex lasted for eight months after the first incident in
Charney's apartment, the New York Daily News reported.
Charney continued to press Morales for sex, using threats of termination as leverage, the
Post said. Morales was also pressured to visit Charney in Los Angeles where American
Apparel is headquartered, according to the Post.

Morales eventually quit American Apparel, where she had been promoted to store
manager, after being on the verge of a breakdown, according to the Post.
The suit says that Morales has undergone psychiatric treatment and is suffering from
"serious psychiatric injuries from which she will never recover," according to the Post.

I feel so gross even reading this, knowing I worked there. I got a letter in the mail the other day telling me the nurses office within the building is shutting down. I thought it was odd, as the company prides itself on "on campus" care, and this got me thinking things werent good. Then theres this article. whoa.

Im happily retired from AA...and I have my reputation in tact. There are still several people there that I adore and keep in touch with...hell, we were a tag team that lived through a lot (A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT) together. hi guys!!

I think its time Dov left. His hobbies and interests do not gel well with corporate leadership. It like Charlie Sheen syndrome...for anyone else, hed be fired and in jail. Cause hes the CEO...he gets bailed out. so stupid. what are your thoughts???

a few confessions

2011-03-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

the beibs shouldnt have cut his hair. major fail.
(is this going to be felicity part 2?!)

charlie sheen is cool. i dont care if you dont agree. i think hes all manic, all crazy, and all hilarious. the fact that he sleeps with strippers, has no teeth, takes drugs and drinks a shit ton doesnt matter to you and me.
we dont plan to marry him, let him meet our mom, or be our kids father. he is on a tv show to make us laugh.

i may or may not have a crush on someone. ok i may.

i will never again go on a blind date. having a friend set you up is not a blind date. setting yourself up is.

im not sure i will ever be comfortable seeing throngs of naked women in the locker room of gyms. thats private stuff sistahs, why are you letting it all hang out for strangers? without going in to too much detail, it is fascinating to see the different ways women prune themselves (or not). hey, im forced to see it, i have to share my thoughts.

i will never outgrow my love for the backstreet boys.

depspite really not caring at all for the show, i sometimes flip to the bachelor to lose myself in meaningless TV. it makes me care less when i think the dude is a douche.

more to come. happy monday.

funniest item of the day.

2011-03-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

mom, this is for you.

i was planning a presentation with a coworker of mine for total cereal.
their team is coming in to see what we have put together, as well as show us some stuff.

long story short, my coworker (andrew) was like, i wonder if theyd care if we called it totes.
"totes cereal. its totes delicious"

without hesitation, i declared it genius. pure, marketing genius. i was like "its a shoe-in to grab the younger audience and make it cool. total cereal would be so hip"

granted, that WILL NOT be the real marketing campagin we present to them.
but i think its pretty fabulous! watch this space in case it happens. hahaha! you heard it here first.

i love ny.

2011-03-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

you know whats funny? i have come to love sex and the city so much more now that i live here. granted, i agree with tim in that, life is NOTHING like that. literally...nothing like it at all. how in the world does a freelance writer buy manolos all the time?! or how do all 4 girls get to eat lunch with each other every day?! yea, exactly. not real. what i love is the absurdity of it all. but its kinda true, it certainly skews what people think is attainable/real/cool, etc. real is way cooler. but thats why its a tv show, right?!

i officially declare myself a bicoastal lifer. i have love for both coasts, and people i adore and couldnt live without on both.
i prefer shorts to pants, but have rediscovered the thrill of winter. i still hate winter coats but love the feel of new york. there is an energy and magic here that make you feel alive, and enough crazy here to make you feel normal.

so, here we are again, monday. lets dance.

2011-03-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

on friday, its time to partayyyyyy.
or, relax after a long week at work. whichever works.

i am absolutely ravenous today. i blame mrs. you know what.
i literally havent stopped eating since i got up this morning. haha.

anyyway. its friday. im looking forward to a pretty low-key, yet very busy, weekend.
i have a lot to do, but looking forward to packing my days doing it.
its tough to get too much shit done M-F with a full time job...so between socializing and going out,
i have to use the weekend to be an adult and grocery shop, clean, pay bills and run (god, i hope i run this weekend). i dont log that much sleep during the week due to all thats going on, so id like to get more than 5 hours of sleep too. yea yea yea.

cheers to a fun weekend! now, if i could only find me some of that charlie sheen drug...

2011-03-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

hiiii bloggies.
the other day i received a notice that both email and blog were down. not only that, but my blog was deleted from the web. i freaked!!!!!! FREAKED! (cue spaz jokes here)

annnnyway, after a shit show of me desperately trying to figure it out (no thanks to google, who has NO customer service. yea, wtf?! isnt that illegal nowadays??), we are back!! after my initial panic reaction to reading googles help page of this particular issue telling me its common with instances of copyright infringement, web harrasment or other horrible things, i racked my brain trying to come to terms with how i did this.

well, rest assured i didnt. were back. google had a minor meltdown.

thank GOD its thursday.
thank GOD.
dont have a real reason to be super dramatic...just kinda felt like it for a second.

did i tell you all about my blind date last saturday night?? yea. thats for another time...it was A.B.S.U.R.D
he was sweet and seemed fine...our conversation was crazy. no knock on him, seriously. lord knows im all sorts of weird, and crazy, and spazzy. ill just preface it by saying he used the word orgasm about 15 times within the first 3 minutes. it just get insanse from there. yep. thats right. thats what happens when you go on a blind date in goddamn NYC. ill tell you what, im so happy i did it. i have officially gone on a blind date. it just confirms to myself (if thats necessary, haha) that i am me again. happy, open, excited and willing to try. i feel like my heart and soul and head are all lightening again. i feel the energy of NYC. i was a bit closed off there for a while (yes i think it was necessary. and no, i do not think it was a bad thing. yes i did it on purpose, and no i do not regret it. i challenge you to lose your dad, lose your identity and lose your balance and see what happens. yes, you wanna lose your mind).

dating was not a priority for me for a time being. i will never be the type of girl who "needs" a boyfriend. i just wont. some boys dont like that. i understand how that can be frusterating. believe me, i know ill find a cool boy worthy some day. and i hope he finds me. until then, i will enjoy being boy crazy in a town with 9 million options. ha!!!!!!!

lots more to say. must go though. bye bye!

A GREAT ARTICLE THAT I DID NOT WRITE:

2011-02-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Single Women of NYC: It’s Not Them, It’s You. The plight of the single lady

My years of New York City dating—if you’re counting, there have been 12—have involved a lot of guys, short- and long- and mid-term. My longest relationship lasted two years. My shortest—minus the one-off hookups that we all know aren’t “dates” at all—was somewhere in the range of two weeks. There have been certifiable crazies, like the Eastern European fellow who broke my bedroom window in a fit of rage and told me not to complain that he’d broken my “fucking window.” There was the Jersey boy who worked in women’s handbags; fond memories involve him drunk-puking at the Hilton, then giggling hysterically, running, and “hiding” our soiled comforter in front of someone else’s door down the hall. There was the super-successful corporate honcho with a cardboard box for a nightstand. The best friend with whom I had zero sexual attraction. The self-described “bi-coastal but not in a gay way” guy who didn’t come home one night because he’d passed out in a planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. (We continued to date for at least a month after that.)

Their ages have ranged from nearly 15 years younger than me to going on 15 years older. There were Peter Pan Syndrome–afflicted man-children, full-fledged adult males with zero desire to grow up, maybe ever. There were drunks and drug addicts and maybe once a teetotaler. There were Christians and atheists and Jews. There was a clammer from Cape Cod—a real, live clammer, with his very own waders. There was a man who shaved everything . . . down there . . . every single day. There was the dashing Argentinean only in town for a week; the Ronkonkoma deli worker barely old enough to drink; the beleaguered i-banker who came over regularly just to pass out on my couch. And I can’t forget the “totally eligible” magazine editor who moved to the suburbs while we were dating, convinced me to take a bus to visit him, showed off his two-story brick house with granite kitchen counters and an actual backyard, as if knowing it was exactly what I aspired to—and then promptly married someone else. There were men who have dropped me on my head, literally and figuratively. I could show you bruises.

At some point, I yelled at almost all of these men for not being “what I wanted,” and, as we all do, turned to my female friends for consolation and support. “He doesn’t deserve you,” they would say, my own Greek chorus. “You’re so much better than him.” Then, inevitably: “Why are New York men such assholes?”

If you’re a single, heterosexual woman of a certain age living in New York City, you’ve surely heard some version of the lament more times than you can count: “There are no good single men living in New York City! They’re all gay or taken!” It’s followed by various tales of woe regarding “typical NYC jerks” and the evils they have inflicted upon amazing, upstanding, attractive, intelligent, high-powered New York City women who are so much better than the men they date.

You’ve probably met more than a few aesthetically, shall we say, “uneven” couples, in which the man is short, pudgy, bald—or distractingly hirsute—with one of those pudding faces only a mother (or gold-digger) could love. He’s impossibly rich, and his lady-friend could model for a living, and possibly does. Also, he cheats on her. Only in New York!

And you’ve probably heard, and maybe retold, the modern-day relationship folk tale of that friend of a friend who, after “unsuccessfully” dating in New York for years, met her amazing husband while living or vacationing in Austin, or Boston, or Paris, or Rio, and then brought him back—or moved there herself. Because, you know, you just can’t find a decent dude in this city. It’s impossible. Those who do it are the exception, not the rule. Ask anyone.

Maybe saying and hearing this makes single women feel better. It enforces the belief that there is such a thing as a “plight” of the single lady, and that women can’t be blamed for our lack of success in the New York City relationship game. It’s them, not us.

The problem is, it’s patently untrue. Worse, it’s a cop-out.

New York City, to be fair, suffers its share of problems for the female dater. There are more women than men, which everyone loves to bemoan as the cold, hard cornerstone of this city’s relationship difficulties. According to statistics collected by Richard Florida, author of The Great Reset and director of the Martin Prosperity Institute at the University of Toronto, single women currently outnumber single men in New York by 149,219. This is based on data from the U.S. Census, which, it bears mentioning, does not ask to identify sexual orientation. The good news: This number has actually decreased from 2008’s woman-surplus of 210,000, a gap that caused Lysandra Ohrstrom, writing for the Observer, to unleash the ominous decree that “savvy, well-educated women hoping to find a mate and settle down are out of luck.”

Meanwhile, our fine city was recently ranked the top spot for single men to find a willing lady to smooch, and whatever else, on New Year’s Eve, according to more numbers from Mr. Florida. We were named number one of 2010’s top 29 cities for dudes to live in: a/k/a “paradise for men,” according to gratuitous macho website AskMen.com. Luisita Lopez Torregrosa, writing in Politics Daily, called the ratio of men to women “scarily in favor of men,” and advised ladies to “go West—San Diego, Dallas, and Seattle. It’s where the boys are.”

As Tamsen Fadal, relationship expert and the female member of “America’s only husband-wife matchmaking team” told us, “New York is like a candy store to men. If they think, ‘This girl’s not giving me what I want, or pushing things too quickly,’ they find someone else. It’s an unlevel playing field.”

Of course, love is inherently not a level playing field—its terrain is rocky, uncharted, completely unfair. The beautiful, the smart, the successful, and the young will attract more than their allotment of admirers, while the ugly, the desperate, the “too old,” and the socially unfit for whatever reason are just not going to have the same dating opportunities. If you’re a die-hard optimist, maybe you believe that there’s someone for everyone, but there are far more somebodies for some, male or female.

If you’re a single man who has moved to New York City, chances are it has to do with being good—even the best—at something. Hence the workaholics, status-aholics, power-aholics, and whatever else ambition breeds. Meanwhile, the streets are plentiful with ever more attractive women. Amid all that, there is a sense of perpetual youth, a staving off of the trappings of adulthood—like “settling down and getting married”—far into our 30s and even 40s because, frankly, we can get away with it. And there’s so much to do! Why get married when you’re having so much fun? As one man admitted, “Guys in New York have unrealistic standards for what their lives should be.”

But it’s hardly fair to say that New York City women haven’t come here for much the same reasons that men have, or that they don’t have similarly unrealistic expectations. “I think there are a couple of different problems in New York,” says Fadal. “People who live in New York are successful in their field or want to be. We’re not someplace where so much of our time is devoted to relationships. We then realize our years sort of went by.”

This is true of all of us, men and women. Yet somehow, helped along by rom-coms and self-help books and chick lit, at some point we learn to ignore the simple fact that there are two people in every relationship, and that they both have a hand in whether it succeeds or fails. And something else: that the success or failure of most relationships can, if we look at them with open eyes, probably be predicted from the very beginning based on some simple indicators.

Take a “concept” like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” which puts blame squarely on the man’s shoulders. How freeing: He is just not that into you! But at what point did we lose the capacity to be as “Just Not That Into You” as the men? If we’re to expect a society in which men and women are truly considered equals, women have to accept their portion of the responsibility, and the blame.

Here’s the deal, women of New York City: The so-called plight of the single lady? It’s not about him. It’s about you.

Some years ago, having lived in New York City since graduating from college, I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. An older male neighbor who had been invited to dinner took one look at me across the table and said to my mother, “She’s single? She’s pretty. What’s wrong with her?”

You can probably imagine the indignant response that ensued, in which I (and my mom) defended my choice not to be married and not even be dating anyone at the ripe old age of, say, 26, because it’s New York and that’s how the kids do things there, and plus I’d just broken up with someone, and who are you to tell me I should already be paired off and shuffled down the aisle for a life of tedium and domesticity anyway, old neighbor man?

But, really, the question hit home because there was truth to it. There was (and still is) something wrong with me. And it’s the same thing that’s “wrong” with pretty much every single woman in New York complaining she can’t find a decent man, or who has perhaps even given up in pursuit of her own continued drama and mini-amusements with the kind of guys she’d never want to settle down with anyway (safer that way): We don’t know what we want. And so we want a little bit of everything, over and over again.

Auntie Mame said famously that “Life is a banquet, and most poor bastards are starving to death!” But those poor bastards don’t live in New York City, where the banquet is 24 hours a day and everybody wants a piece of everybody else, if just for a little amuse-bouche. We’re free and “grown up” and independent; we can do what we want, sexually and otherwise. Which is part of the problem, if you’re going to call it that.

When asked what he thought about the “plight of the single lady”—and women who blame men for the state of dating in the city, a single New Yorker in his twenties admitted, “I see where they’re coming from, but, in a lot of ways, they bring it upon themselves. I think if girls were more withholding, boys would be more likely to commit, but because boys can get most of what they want without having to commit, they do. That implies that all boys want is to hook up, which I don’t think is true, but I think that is a lot of it. That’s why when a girl says, ‘Oh, sure, we can hook up and I won’t be weird about it,’ they end up yelling at you a week later.”

For every loser I’ve screamed at, there have been nice, normal single guys with perfectly acceptable ZIP codes and ages and jobs and habits who never did a thing wrong but for some reason were chucked after the first or second, or maybe even third, date for being boring, predictable, too nice, too normal, not successful enough, or . . . admitted to no one, perhaps not even myself: too available. The scariest of scary words.

If you’re like me (and I think a lot of us are), you might say you can’t stand drama and that all you want is a nice, stable relationship with someone who loves and treats you well, but “nice” and “stable” have hardly the appeal of words like “exciting” or “passionate” or, well, “drama.” Our status as single, independent, financially solvent New York City women in the year 2011 has us sitting on a mountain of unprecedented options. Options: Those are exciting. So we want all the options, bigger and better and faster and shinier, or taller or sexier or stronger or smarter, and yet somehow also different and completely our own. We want the tippy-top of what we can get—why shouldn’t we? And we want to push those boundaries.

That, to a large extent, is why we live here. It’s not because we wanted to settle down with the patient and reliable plod-along schmo, and have babies and live in a three-bedroom house with a two-car garage where we peaceably grill in the summer and make casseroles in winter until we die. It’s not because we wanted our lives charted out before we lived them.

My high school boyfriend was probably the best man I’ve ever dated. One time, for no reason whatsoever, he printed out a dictionary definition of “beautiful,” circled the word, drew an arrow to it, and wrote “THIS IS YOU.” He left it for me somewhere I would find it, as a surprise. He told me he loved me. But at the end of high school, when I knew I was going away to bigger, brighter things while he stayed in town and continued at the local community college, I tried to dump him over and over again, eventually making out with a random guy in a band on high school graduation night and telling the would-be ex about it the next day. The ex has a little boy, a dog, and a wife now; I don’t even own a cat. But I have options! I wanted them then; I still want them now.

Yet these never-ending options wreak havoc with us, as does the idea that we can dally with each of them without ever deciding on any and just hope it will all fall where it may—that someday our prince will come, and he better be fucking good. As a married friend mused, “Holding out for everything we want—maybe it’s a delusional expectation. Maybe it’s more about self-reflection, an exercise in goals. It’s more you-centered soul-searching than about the guy, necessarily. In most relationships, there’s a huge, huge focus on timing. A lot of it is just a matter of reaching the point where you’ve figured out what you want.”

Florida, the man behind those male-female NYC dating stats, writes on his website that “one reason ladies in the prime marriage years flock to big cities is to compete for the most eligible men,” and intelligent women who gravitate to “vibrant cities are more likely to stay single—for longer, at least—because they rightly refuse to settle for someone who can’t keep up with them intellectually or otherwise.”

“Rightly refusing to settle,” especially for someone who’s boring, otherwise uninspired, or just a bad choice, sounds pretty good—even empowering. Somewhere along the way, “settling” became a dirty word, evoking visceral reactions of distaste and even disgust, particularly for the strivers among us. Take the negative reactions to Lori Gottlieb’s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, which suggests that women who are still single after 35 are just too damn picky.

But I’d argue that it’s not about being picky. It’s about having all of these options, and not knowing how to choose from among them, or whether we even want to. It’s about the years of being told we can have it all, and suddenly being deeply afraid to admit that that house of cards has been a sham all along because no one really gets to have it all. (And so, the self-professed adamantly anti-marriage Elizabeth Gilbert—who ate, prayed, and loved her options into a bestseller and a Julia Roberts movie—ultimately “caved” to marrying her foreign-born partner so that he could live in the U.S.)

Everyone has to make choices. This isn’t to say that if you want a successful career and to be a wife and a mom, you can’t do it. Nor that you can’t do it fairly well. But inevitably, you’ll have to give up one thing for something else. Why should you settle? Because that’s what all humans do when they make choices.

If Carrie Bradshaw were here and an actual person, she would say, “But what about the ‘za-za-zoo’?” And after berating her for that corny terminology, I’d grudgingly agree that, yes, there needs to be something—call it magic, or a spark, or a connection—with regard to our romantic relationships. But the magic pales in comparison to the simplest, and yet most difficult, of things. Knowing what you want. It’s timing, but it’s more than that, because you dictate your own timing. You hold the cards.

If Carrie had wanted marriage and kids back in Season 4, she would have stuck with Aidan. Instead, she got panicked and neurotic and self-destructive and Carrie Bradshaw–esque, and started to have an affair with Big, who was clearly (until the unbelievable ending of the series) never going to marry her. Why do that to yourself? Because you aren’t quite sure you want to get married, either. Because the grass is ever so mysteriously greener in the yard (does he even have a yard?) of the guy who doesn’t want to marry you. And because it makes for good drama, or, at the very least, tragicomedy.

Still, at the end of the movie, or the TV series, everything gets wrapped up neatly and tied with a Tiffany-box bow. In the film version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly is eventually tamed by the love of a good man who has been there all along. In Working Girl, the girl gets her career-with-corner-office and Harrison Ford to pack her lunchbox. In The Apartment, Shirley MacLaine’s character attempts suicide on account of Mr. Wrong, but in surviving finds her Mr. Right. Harry and Sally run through the relationship ropes course as enemies, friends, lovers, and enemies again, only to end up an old married couple. As do, of course, Carrie and Big. It all just seems to unfold, without anybody doing too much soul-searching or goal-plotting, much like a movie. A movie set in New York! This is what we’re supposed to want.

People who have been married will tell you that it’s not all butterflies and lying in the grass together clutching hands. It’s actually work—not magic, and not the movies. Which means the dream we expect for ourselves drastically needs to be tempered with a dash of reality, a dose of self-reflection. As a thirtysomething New York woman said, “Ultimately, marriage has more to do with knowing what you’re looking for. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there that suck, but I don’t think that’s a New York–specific issue. There are all of these successful, smart, workaholic women who have their shit together and strong views and senses of who they are. Their expectations are a bit higher. And in New York, there’s not this worry about being the only single person; we all have friends who are married, married with kids, divorced, single.”

Fewer people are getting married than ever. According to a Pew Research poll published at the end of last year, about half of all adults in the U.S. are married, down from 72 percent in 1960. Four in 10 people consider marriage obsolete. At the same time that fewer of us are getting married, more people are doing it for love—93 percent said it was the most important reason to tie the knot. Love is not something that used to factor into marriages; it’s a relatively modern concept. You might say we’re spoiled by even expecting it, and that it’s entirely unrelated to a social “institution” that was really about property and taxes and making sure you had enough kids to work the farm or protect the homestead way back when—not to mention one of the only socially acceptable ways for women to have sex.

But if you confessed to someone today that you’d married without “being in love,” because you’d simply wanted to get married or have the financial foundation to start a family (or buy more shoes), or maybe because you just didn’t want to spend Sundays alone anymore, they would look at you with a horror akin to what you might bestow upon a person admitting to murder.

If there is a real and current plight of the single lady in New York City, it’s not that New York men are so horrible. It’s figuring out how to balance what you want and what you can get—in terms of love, marriage, and what each guy has to offer—against all of the options, including the imminent biological reality of your decreasing fertility. It’s figuring out if you care about your fertility at all, and if you care about it in light of being—or not being—married. Because at some point, it will simply be too late to have kids.

At the same time, if you don’t want children, then maybe you don’t really want a husband, or as one happily unmarried New Yorker explained, “I’d never been really hung up on having kids. It certainly made dating easier, because I didn’t have the same timeline some of my friends did. No urgency. The same holds true now that I am dating someone. Whether we get married or not is almost immaterial since we don’t plan on having kids. Unless, of course, one of us gets hooked up with really good health insurance. Then we’d get married for sure.”

The fertility question is often a tipping point, and definitely “a challenge for women,” says Fadal. “Men here are very motivated, and their career comes first. They’re not under any age restriction, nor do they face the fertility reality. If that weren’t an issue, I think women would keep playing the field, too. I would. But all the technology in the world isn’t going to change that.” Another married New Yorker agreed: “If you could have babies easily into your 50s, I think you’d go on being single forever,” she said. But we can’t. This is just a biological fact.

It’s also a fact that, at least in the non-romantic portions of life, understanding and expressing what you want makes achieving it far easier, whatever the “it” is. Yet, by and large, New York City women fail to be specific with men about what they really want and instead just go along with things hoping for the best and getting angry when it doesn’t work out that way. Or they’re so specific, with such intricately wrought lists of requirements for what they will and won’t date, that they miss the point altogether—if the criteria is that complicated, maybe they don’t actually want to be with someone at all yet.

Perhaps this is changing. I’ve heard of at least two single New York women who have set their own wedding dates for themselves—minus even a potential boyfriend. Say what you will about the “method,” but I think they should be congratulated for having at least acknowledged what they want while so many of us wait aimlessly for a nebulous “Mr. Right” with whom we will fall deeply and madly in love in the kind of fantasy relationship promoted by romantic comedies. When that doesn’t happen, because it can’t happen—it never happens—we blame the men. But ladies, we are so much smarter than that!

There is nothing wrong with taking your time and sampling liberally from the buffet. As Fadal says, “I caution against trying to settle down before you’re ready. Every guy has his purpose. There’s the guy who takes you great places, the guy you’re sleeping with, etc. If you’re enjoying yourself, and if you do it in the right way, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

And so, the wild and crazy kisser who actually broke your front tooth, which then required dental work; the guy who taught you to always ask for Sriracha in your deviled eggs; the man who introduced you to Wolf Parade; the man who introduced you to really good bourbon; the guy with kids who helped you remember why you do, or don’t, want them for yourself; the bisexual co-worker; the “poonhound”; the one that got away; and the one you let get away on purpose—they all have a place in your dating life. Don’t regret them.

Once you know what you want, narrow the options, make your choices, and go for it. But until you do, embrace not knowing. Make New York your playground and stop complaining about how single ladies have it so hard in this city. Along the way, remember that men are not the enemy. Many of them are reasonable and good and not at all the brutes we’ve made them out to be, even if they don’t want to marry us (and some of them do). One recently confessed that he’d like to get married in the next few years because “I don’t want to be 34 and doing that thing that sketchy New York guys do where they go out and act as though they’re 24. I’ve seen too much of it. . . . It’s a real cautionary tale.” When I told him that was refreshing, he said, “I think most guys feel that way.”

The other night, I had drinks with the ex who’d passed out in that planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. We hadn’t talked in about three months. He bought me two glasses of wine, touched me on the shoulder, and told me I looked “unbelievable.” I knew I could do it all again if I wanted to. Options. Drama. Will I? I’m not narrowing them yet.

By Jen Doll Wednesday, Feb 9 2011

(originally published in the Village Voice)

thank GOD its friday

2011-02-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

no really. im not sure id make it another day this week.

lets start from the top. it was a really long/busy day at the office. ill save my office bitching for later (it is, afterall, friday, and theres cooler stuff to talk about). i headed home and grabbed some grub while trying my darndest to look decent to hit the bar. i got peer pressured into hitting the town last night (thats my story and im sticking to it), so i couldnt say no.

basically, nyc really doesnt sleep. its normal to be at a bar until 4am, 7am...hell, you could probably sleep there if you asked. im sure itd be the least weird question theyve ever gotten!

janine, richard and i headed into town to a bar called the breslin. its pretty amazingly awesome. its attached to a hotel/lounge and another bar on the other side...basically adjoining cooool bars. we stayed in the middle, and grabbed seats at the table...HUGE community table where tons of people were hanging out/chatting/eating. richard ordered bottle service and we got to drinking. it was a blast!

at one point a dark haired guy approached by asking about our drink of choice...wine, last night. we entertained him and chatted for a while. he was cute and fun. i had a thing for one of his friends, so we all got to chatting and had a ball.

at some point during the night i noticed that there was a photo booth on the other side of the room. whaaat??! i dont think i have been that excited in a long time (jk, i literally get that excited all the time. its kinda silly). sadly, it was broken. but, this bar has officially become a place where we are planning to frequent...so be prepared to see photo booth pics in the near future!!

anyway, i would really love a nap. like, i hope i make it home today. eek!
working a full day on 3 hours of sleep is just rough. ahhh well, its why i live here :) ha!

ta ta.

random hello

2011-02-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

happy its thursday. wishin it was friday. planning to meet a bunch o' friends out tonight because peer pressure still happens. haha.

should be cool though. ive heard really cool things abut this place...the breslin.
ill keep you posted about the rest of the weekend...were hitting some other pretty cool spots.

ta ta! back to work we go :)

2.22.2011

2011-02-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

today is day 8 of work (the 6th day of me being on my own). id like to think i do a good job. i know i work hard and do my best...and as my dad always said, thats all i can do.

i am meeting with HR today to discuss perm positions. i was hired as a temp, but i want to explore perm opportunities. i think i fit in, and could do a really good job. fingers crossed. of course updates will come later today.

weekend was great with mom, drew, uncle dwight, aunt kathie and crew. didnt sleep enough and ate too much...but i loved every minute of it. of course we would have killed for the spring weather we had a few days ago, but alas, it was about 2 degrees.

it snowed yesterday. what?!?!? stop! winter, you are over. please move on.
i think its supposed to be a pretty chilly, gross week. awesome.

in other news i have got to go. im getting ADD and need to get back to work. bye bye

a few more isms

2011-02-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

hey, its ok!
...to not consider lust a particularly deadly sin. or pride. or even sloth.
...to shout, "I am not!" when he claims you're hormonal.
...to start your to-do list with a task you've already done.
...to tell your family that you met your current boyfriend through mutual friends and leave out the fact that those friends were Bud and Weiser.
...to begin thinking about lunch at 9:35 A.M.
...to smirk when you see the big, tough guys at your gym tripping on the elliptical machine.
...to demand to be taken off speakerphone.
...to RSVP without a plus-one.

are you sitting there with a smile on your face? are you thinking of things you would add to the list? i hope so. these types of lists are super addicting and help make light of a very busy, stressful day.

one of my own

2011-02-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

hey its ok!

...to love sporting yoga pants whenever possible, and not at all loving actually doing yoga. i think my dad ingrained it in my head that working out is running, or the like. i think my bro shares my opinion on this.

...to not feel like yourself until youve worked out. running, sweating, or lifting weights makes me feel good, and helps me earn and keep my self esteem. i think its so important to do what you need to do for yourself. i LOVE to sweat. (too bad work gets in the way, haha)

...to love to be single and independent,...but still want a snuggle buddy on sunday nights

...to need to talk to mom at least once a day...even when you are 27. that goes for all family...i need to text, chat or email friends and family constantly to know they are safe, and find out whats new. either that, or i stop by. have i mentioned how awesome it is to live 3 blocks from my best friend. yea, its kinda great.

...if you and your bestie think dinner is guac and chips with a glass of vino every now and again. its all about balance, right?!

...to realize at the end of the day that you havent ventured outside. or have eaten too much. yep, it happens.

...to sometimes look forward to bad tv. i am guilty of watching the real housewives after a long day at work when i just want to sit back, eat dinner and laugh at stupid crap! it does nothing to make me smarter...and thats exactly the point

...to buy yourself something online every month or couple months just to say to yourself "job wel done." working hard and living life is tough...you need to treat yourself with presents every now and again. its crucial

...to get really excited when your brother calls just to chat. yea, im still just a little sister who loves her big bro

there are so many things i am grateful for in life. just felt like being a little silly and random and posting little isms that make us who we are. happy reading. ps, is it friday yet?!??!

...

pretty excited about it

2011-02-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

friday, that is.
but i gotta tell you, some crazy shit happened this morning.

lets start from the beginning. i got on the subway and was heading uptown. transfered trains as normal (being shoved, pushed and all that nonsenes, per usual). second stop on train we made the usual stop at 14th street/union square. since a zillion people are both trying to get on and off the train at the same time before the door shut, theres a lot of shoving, yelling and all around new-yorkiness as you can imagine. all of a sudden this man half falls between the platform and subway car (his one leg slipped while the other was sorta inside the subway car). i have never heard a woman scream so heniously in all my life. (just to paint the picture, id like to point out that she was about 5', and latino. she was sassy!). anyway, it was pretty scary...and the dude was pretty hurt. he played it off, as subways dont stop...so he got pulled back in the car, and off we went.

ok, next stop is 42nd street. i get off (along with about 2.5 million people). yea, its a fun time. haha.
im on the street walking to my office and i come upon a chick laying in the street after JUST being hit by a van. yea. there were about 5 people around her...one was calling 911, one was holding her hand and a few were standing around with their jaws on the floor. realistically, there were about 29389384 people staring...i mean, this was crazy to see. she was in the middle of the street, and as you can imagine, new york drivers do NOT want to slow down or stop. its not that they dont care, but they have places to go. and NOW!

then the work day started :)

soo excited it friday!!!

more life craziness to come. have i told you lately that im OBSESSED with this town.

thats right bloggies

2011-02-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

time to change thee old bloggie. every so often i feel the need to change the look of it. keeps things interesting. back later :)

where in the world in hilary kelley?!

2011-02-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

back to blogging! its been like 5 years, no?!

ive been happily living in brooklyn for 4 months now. WOW! its amazing how fast it goes. winter has proven itself to be pretty insane in the city, but i really am loving it. even being without heat for 4 days (still not sure what happened) or so cold i want to scream, or having to walk through 6 feet of snow because noone was able to come out and plow, or deal with the 6 weeks of trash buildup out front of my apartment cause trash couldnt get by....all these things make me adaptable. and laugh at the craziness of ny life.

aside from that, being shoved around subways every morning as i transfer trains, learning what it really means to have NO personal space....EVER, and becoming a solid new yorker with the walking speed of 5555 miles per hour are all becoming part of my daily life.

there are moments at the end of a long days work (work! more on that later!!) when all i want to do is head home and relax. just eat dinner and watch tv...send personal emails. make personal calls. no drinks, no bars, no crowds. sometimes not. the thing with new york is, whatever you want, you can find it. if you want to find peace...you will. for me, its with friends, and at home. or with ali, peter, ryan, chips and guac, and craig ferguson.

im pretty excited for spring and summer in the city. new york is definitely not for everyone. its a pretty intense city...i, for one, cant imagine raising kids here. i need the 'burbs! but, for a single 27 year-old girl, its perfect. i feel myself feeding off the energy here, which i think is fantastic. i catch myself still yearning for those phone calls with dad about what im up to, his amazing business deals, my boy issues, life issues, money issues, or just stupid jokes i heard. i yearn to tell him about the boy i went on a date with, the homeless dude who asked for money to buy booze ("hey, at least im not lying")...or the hilarity of me running after a goddamn subway. me falling down icy stairs, going on countless interviews, my tears, my laughter, my finally getting a job,etc. i want to share it all!! he would be so excited to hear all about it. i want to plan trips so he can come visit, help make my apartment better, hang out with my friends, and shop with me. (ok, ok, or go to central park).

im scared i wont ever feel the way i did before my dad passed away. im scared noone will be able to fill even a teensy part of the void i feel for him. im scared i wont ultimately find a decent boy who will love me (im not sure its possible. im really not). im scared to not have him in my life. he made me better, smarter, more successful and happier. he made me more confident and more special. he just always believed in me. i guess, after three years, im still just not sure. im still numb, and hopeful that losing my dad is something i can figure out.

however, switching gears, i did get a job in this insane city!!! (and shitttttty economy). i am currently the admin assistant to the VP of business development/sales assistant to integrated sales team/promotions coordniator assistant/and all around helper at readers digest. basically, if someone needs something i do it. mainly though, i run the calendar/life of our VP. anytime someone needs her they contact me (unless, of course, its the president. in that case, she calls her directly). upon interviewing i was told it was a temp gig, so im basically just trying really hard to work well with everyone, do a good job, meet lots of people and do my best until they tell me its over. if it turn permanent? ill pee my pants. if its temp, well, this is a great opportunity. im basically just going with the flow...im doing what i need to do, and life will direct the rest. in any case, its a great resume builder, and great life/work experience. cant complain. but, i suggest you go out and buy an everyday with rachael ray mag, a taste of home mag, and a readers digest mag...scroll the list of contacts in the first few pages...those are my colleagues! soo fun! that, and id like to say i helped market the mag by blogging about it. haha. just trying to do my part.

so what else has been going on? i got some awesome valentines day gifts some from amazing guy friends. one noteworthy addition to my apartment is a teddy bear that is HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! hes adorable.

ive been chatting with a few boys i met on an online dating website. a good girlfriend of mine joined and forced me. yes she did. peer pressure. i was forced. soooo, in being a good sport....i saw no harm in simply chatting. this has turned into phone chatting with some uber cute boys. meet ups to follow (amybe?). one even went to ASU (yes, we jokingly fight about it). im still pretty confident in my love for older friends...i DO NOT do blind dates. r-e-f-u-s-e. this city has got more crazies than an asylum, so this chicky knows to be careful.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i think thats enough for now. ill be updating more later.

id like to make note that this past feb 8th (dad anniv) is when i got my RD job. also, the night prior we lost eleanore. and moms herley stocks magically became useful (after 3 years, and a day prior to being trashed). basically, it was the craziest, weirdest day(s). it made me think dad was around....so, HI DAD! woooo.

hey, its ok...

2010-12-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

* to move across the country - or around the world - for love.
its also OK to make him move. youre worth it.

* to never trust a man in silk boxers.

* to buy yourself a Christmas present. wrapping and
putting it under the tree is one step too far, though.

* to not be careful what you wish for.
if you get it, dive right in.

* to cancel plans because The Muppet Christmas Carol is on.
you dont turn your back on the golden oldies, thank you very much.

* to google your own name. you know, just to see.

* if your mom still gives you a Christmas stocking (even if you do ask her to).

* to stare unashamedly at a hot girl - then get annoyed if your boyfriend does.

21st.

2010-12-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

happy holidays!

kinda had a lot to say, but have been attempting this post for about 3 hours (between errands, interviews and work). so, ill try back later. haha

taking a look back

2010-12-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

i was scrolling back through my blog today. i am really excited that i will be able to reread my life over the past few years thanks to my lil bloggie. ive always been pretty obsessed with writing in journals (i think i have about 45 of them), and this is a fun new way to do that. granted, i think written journals are the way to go, as thats where you should keep your secret thoughts and stuff. online is just not the place for that.

i credit aunt martha with giving me the idea to start this blog...something i excitedly began in august 2008. its been a little over two years, and im still in love with it. its grown and changed with me as i have gone through a lot over the past 2+ years.

cant wait to see where life goes these next few year s (and beyond!)

WOO WOO!!

a rarity: a to-dont list

2010-12-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

december is typically a pretty frantic month. holiday shopping, baking, work, socializing, eating a lot, and doing all the normal life things that need to be done. needless to say, you probably dont need more items to add to your to-do list. fret not, as i am happy to share with you some things you dont need to worry about this month (courtesy of our friends at health magazine).

* feeling bad about exchanging that present you totally hate. thats what gift receipts are for!

* bird poop facials - actually offered at some spas. no matter how radiant your skin might look afterward, its still bird poop, and its still on your face! theres no shame in staying with the core spa menu, like a nice Swedish massage.

* sticking to your diet at Christmas dinner. OK, so you shouldnt do a face-plant in the sweet potato casserole and eat your way out, but its one day, people. we say eat what you like and get back to normal when the world isnt awash in rum-soaked cake.

* getting glam for the gym. even kelly ripa says she works out without her makeup and padded bra. were with kelly: its not like were going to burn more calories by having perfect hair.

* breaking up with ben and jerry. so what if a few ingredients are not quite all natural? lets get real - its ice cream, not health food!

* forcing yourself to wear the jeans style du jour, whether its skinny, high-waisted, or boyfriend. knowing what looks good on your body and sticking with it shows true personal style.

* fillers for your feet. a New York City podiatrist is injecting facial filler into the balls of womens feet to help make it less painful to sport skyscraping stilettos. for the same money ($1000 per foot - and it lasts less than a year!), you could buy a whole wardrobes worth of sexy, comfy kitten heels instead.

armed with a few to-donts this month, you are now humored enough to get going on the to-do list. happy TO-DOing!!

Hey, its OK!

2010-12-06T16:17:00.000-08:00

...to tell your friends you love them...stone cold sober.

yep.

LOL!

2010-12-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

a couple lil jokes to brighten your day...

two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. one starts to insult the other one. he screams, "i slept with your mother!" the bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. the first again yells, "i slept with your mother!" the other weasel says, "go home, dad, youre drunk."

a chicken and an egg are lying in bed. the chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile. the egg is frowning and looking frustrated. the egg says, "guess we answered that question."

HA! happy monday.

how do you mourn?

2010-12-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

when i lost my dad, i felt pretty numb. despite having SO much thought going on in my head, i didnt have anywhere to go with it since i wasnt ready to talk about anything. those first few months had nothing to do with mourning or sadness or loss. i was so numb i didnt feel anything. i knew all those feelings were there, but i wasnt able to actually feel them. any time i tried to talk about anything, id sob. i sobbed in a hospice group therapy meeting, with ali, and on my own. ali told me she was ready to talk anytime i was...she patiently sat with me through tears, laughs, and fear. she still does :)

after the initial period of despair, loss and numbness came a "what the FUCK just happened?!!" head space. i was so confused and sad at everything that i didnt know how to process anything. or how to function properly. i didnt feel social...having fun felt wrong. the light that i had in my eyes just faded away. tears flooded my body.

to cope, i decided to go against everything that was naturally me. i wanted to escape my life for a second, so i dyed my hair dark and found a fondness for black nail polish. looking back, i think i wanted to hide. fade, if you will. with dark hair, i definitely felt different than i did with blond hair. and, although my mom is/was/and will always be mortified that i was a brunette for a time, i really liked it. just like my time spent in LA was purposeful, being a brunette was a necessary change.

hell, its not like i went off the rails. i changed my hair.

that said, i can totally understand how a serious thing like this can send you off the rails. i figure if being a brunette is the worst thing i do, ill be ok.

i am now currently returning to my naturally lighter hair. and, for the time being, lighter nail polish. it was a fun period though. i go through phases randomly. ha, dad would be so proud ;)

im heading out to a birthday party, but more thoughts and confessions to come. xo

its that time of year again...

2010-12-03T16:49:00.000-08:00

for new years resolutions! are you thinking about yours?!

i havent officially figured out what mine is going to be, but i think im going to be pretty lax about it. i just want to live my life the way i am, continue to love and play with my friends and family, and laugh...A LOT. i feel like im rediscovering myself, and coming through the tunnel that we went through. gone is the jet black (or super dark violet, rather) hair, and dark nail polish. back are my highlights and fresh nails. im meeting tons of people and having a ball.

aside from the job market being a complete shit show, im loving life. i love new york. im incredibly proud that despite some pretty rough times, i have been able to overcome fear and live life the way i need to. i have lived and thrived all over the USA and am damn proud of that. i have amazing friends! we laugh through the tears and fears of life, cry through the same, and dance when needed. we bond over being broke, but happy, and thrilled we all know each other.

thank you friends. you love me despite any imperfections. you love me because, im, well, just me. you make life worthwhile, and i am so lucky for you.

heres to a sure-to-be incredible new years eve celebration with my best friends! let the countdown begin!!!

12.2.10

2010-12-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

hard to believe we are coming up on 2011. hilariously enough, i distinctly remember my crew and i celebrating the millennium...which DOES NOT feel like over a decade ago! whaaaaaat?!

a lot has happened this year. good, bad, indifferent. im in a good place.

ok, serious ADD has kicked in...ill be back later :) xoxo

happy december

2010-12-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

WOW! december 1st.

its funny, ive been doing a lot of comparisons in my head these past few months...comparing what ive been up to here in new york versus what i was doing this same time last year in los angeles. with me starting the years relatively during the same time, i see it happening a lot this year.

moving to new york, which has proven to have its own challenges for sure, was a great decision. i am 3 blocks from my best friend, and in a city with a lot of my favorite people. (and a few hours in any direction from a lot more).

my life/time in LA has a special place in my life and heart. i made the decision to move to LA to find some closure on some things, get away from others, and prove something to myself. even though i know i succeeded in this, i still struggle with feeling good enough. little by little, we are working on this (i have informally hired ali and ryan to coach me with life)...our stories, advice and date nights are ABSURD and i love every second of it. i am really blessed with such amazing friends....and i am still laughing about the other nights discussion. maybe even still blushing :) haha....

on another note, spending a few days home in lancaster was hilarious. i road tripped it home with a few buddies and it was hilarious. we had dinner and went out to party. we bar hopped college-style all over lanc. it was a lot of fun.

long story short, thanksgiving day was great. we spent it with cathy and eric. LOVE THEM! we played games, and just laughed so hard. we talked about dad and her husband who we lost. it was nice.

friday was more craziness, when we also went out. we met a lot of new people and met up with some old faces. im a bit love sick over a crush i may have been harboring for a very long time.

just to paint a picture of how our night started, amanda, ali and i walked in to the bar and a man came up to us and said "my wife sent me over to buy you three drinks." he put $100 on the table, did shots with us, got us champagne and the night began. it was all hilarity from there (after some confusion on our part about why a wife would send her husband to buy drinks for young girls, but after we overcame our cynicism we had fun with it). turns out it was her boss and she was setting him up cause hes an ass.

hope thanksgiving was great for everyone. i cant wait for christmas break. and new years. im hoping this year will be something special :)

57 years young.

2010-11-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

on top of thanksgiving, we are celebrating moms 57th birthday! as to couple together both thanksgiving traditions and her birthday fun, we are having birthday cake for dessert. i am PSYCHED cause i hate pie, and love cake. yay, thanks mom :) haha.

HAPPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA !!!!!!

a day of thanks.

2010-11-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

i am thankful for a lot of things. my health, my family and friends. ice cream, chocolate and salsa. peanut butter, laughter, and tears. a good hug, story and hand shake. drops of rain, a warm jacket and christmas lights. pictures of my dad. volunteering. movies. popcorn. this list could go on forever....

see, i think a well rounded way of looking at things is to appreciate it all. i wont lie and say i dont like getting gifts every now and again, or enjoy a glass of wine out with friends. i think those things are just as important as family dinners and deep thoughts.

sometimes im thankful i have such amazing friends to get drunk with and wear high heels. sometimes im thankful to be approached my a cute boy who makes me forget my long day and we enjoy a fun subway ride. sometimes i am thankful i have an ipod so i dont have to talk to anyone. sometimes its my health and happiness. sometimes its helping an elderly man across the street, or on/off the subway. sometimes its helping a pregnant woman and her child with her bags.

the beauty of life is that there is so much to be thankful for everyday, for various reasons. i hope that you all have a very happy thanksgiving, and a healthy year. the holiday season has really only begun, so i am so excited for what is in store.

thank you, dear family and friends, for everything. i am truly thankful!

never underestimate the power of something.

2010-11-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

the heading may seem pretty vague, but i think its true. i watched a video the other day on a woman who was suffering from CJD. it was a link posted on facebook on the CJD "causes" page. i thought i was strong enough to watch it. though i feel overly fragile in all matters that deal with CJD, i had my mind convinced id be able to handle this video. i mean, pretending life is all rainbows and butterflies is worse, so educating myself on the cause is something i want to continue to do regardless of how hard it is.

well, i wasnt ready. apparently not by a long shot. the video flooded back all these memories that i had put inside a little box in my mind. a box that i had mentally locked and hid the key.

since then (2 days ago) i have just thought a lot about some things that are frustrating me. i feel helpless and weak and desperate for my dad. he made me feel secure and always promised me id always be ok. he assured me that my fear of one day living on the streets (from the difficulties of the world) would never happen. it may seem like a crazy, irrational fear, but its mine. we all have them, right? but what do you do when that person that was everything to you is taken away? you flail. hello: present tense. haha.

the sadness/frustration/fear/anxiety/etc i feel with the loss of my dad has sort of made me more mindful of how much i kind of like this boy (but cant control the situation), how much i want a really cool job (again, cant really control), and how much i cant control tears. little things, even happy things, are setting them off. UGH!

i said a prayer to my dad last night, and shed tears in bed. i didnt mean to, i just really couldnt help it. i have found 2 lucky pennies since yesterday and i am hoping thats a sign that things are going to be fine. i could really use it :)

ok i have an interview tomorrow, so i think ill go veg for a bit. more updates later :)

a few things i am thankful for.

2010-11-19T10:52:00.000-08:00

there is no shortage of things in my life that i am thankful for, including friends and family, food, movies, music and holiday decorations. i love the simple things the world has to offer...a really good laugh, a warm cookie, and a crush on a cute boy.

the holidays serve as a hefty reminder that i am, however, without one of the most special guys in my life. i hope that i get to a point in life where i am not so worried. i worry about money, safety, and being loved. i worry about the hole that is left in my life. i just dont know how i plan on figuring it out.

i am looking forward to spending a few days with my mom, gamma, and thad (hi thad!). it will be so special.

xoxo

craigy ferg.

2010-11-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

i love him. LOVE HIM.

lil wayne. weezy. love him too.

andy roddick.

dudes with accents.

matt damon.

yea, at 27, i am still boy crazy. thats ok with me :)

hi.

2010-11-16T19:33:00.000-08:00

so im 27. im cool with that. had some funny experiences happen yesterday, which ali sums up as "you know, weird, hilarious and crazy stuff happens...always when im with you". well, B, youre welcome. haha, just kidding. its true though, i always experience weird moments.

i think im going to write another book. i havent decided what i want to write about yet, so i thought id reach out to the blogosphere and get some input. thanks!

its the birthday weekend

2010-11-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

woo woo!! cant believe its already mid november. crazy to think that 2 years ago i spent my birthday in lancaster, last year was in LA and this year i am in NYC.

my weekend/next week is pretty busy with nights out, brunches and dinners, drinks and game nights. kinda fabulous that my friends and i just LOVE being together.

ok, well off to get ready for some festivities. XOXO

on a lighter note...

2010-11-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

a little happiness and lightheartedness from the lovelies at glamour magazine.

please enjoy their list of silver linings of life's lowest moments:

* your bag was stolen, giving you the best excuse ever to buy a new, even nicer bag. joke's on you, robber man!

* after three weeks on crutches, your triceps will be ripped.

* two days of stomach flu = hey! take those jeans out of the giveaway bag...they fit again!

* maybe the fireman will be hot.

* an outdoor wedding in the rain makes for very cinematic pictures.

* if someone steals your identity, that means they have to take on your credit card debt, right? right?

* well, at least you know the airbags work.

* now they can see that, besides being brilliant and beautiful, at heart you're just a regular person with a temper.

* having a pimple makes you look younger.

* the baby. the baby is the silver lining even though you just got a million stitches down there.

happy international cjd day!

2010-11-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

yea i know, not much of a celebratory day, huh? but it is so important to say prayers of remembrance for those we have lost; prayers of honor for those in the midst of their battle; prayers of strength for all those caring for a loved one; prayers of peace for all those who mourn. we need a cure! i had gotten word that drew was planning to get blood tested in may, and find out if he is carrying the gene.

over thanksgiving, i am planning to have my blood tested and sent to case western. i havent decided if im ultimately going to find out the results (there are countless reasons for why i should or shouldnt), but i think its good to get it tested, regardless.

heres to finding a cure!!
(updates to come on my blood work...if i get the results!)

november.3

2010-11-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

well hello there fall.

a bunch of us got together last night at shake shack to kick back and hang out.
flick and i met up at columbus circle (59th street) and walked the 20+ blocks to shake shack (86th street)...it was beautiful, busy, fun, and COLD! nothing beats walking the streets of new york with your best friend, but i will say, its getting chilly. not chilly enough for a late-night stop at pinkberry, though.

AND, coolest thing ever...i am currently watching my first ever DVRd show. yes, i officially am a part of the 21st century. i know how to DVR. woo woo!! i love you craig ferguson!!!!!!!!!

god, i love craig ferguson. LOOOOOVE!!!! in your pants!

officially november.

2010-11-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

HELLO NOVEMBER!

i wanted to start the month by sharing my horoscope. its my birthday month, so it seemed fitting.

Today's Scorpio Horoscope

November 1, 2010

A lovely day for attracting positive energy into your life is in store, Scorpio. You can find yourself naturally drawn to pleasing social situations, and your manner is especially warm and appealing. It's a great time for attracting or enhancing a relationship. A partner has something to say, and it's important that you listen carefully.

Creativity: Good ~ Love: ~ Business: Good

i could get used to that. all good. lets hope good things are on the way :)
happy november :)

tomorrow is november

2010-10-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

holy shit. tomorrow is november. 2 weeks until my birthday. i will be turning 25 (again!?)...haha!!

nah, just kidding, ill be 27 years young. pretty hard to believe. seeing all these little trick-or-treaters brings me back to when i was 6. and, well, last year. im lucky my friends and i havent outgrown the simplicities in life. everyone likes candy...and halloween allows us to binge on a bunch, and not feel bad about it. you can never outgrow sugar highs, chocolate bars and anything rainbow-colored. no sir.

in talking with my mom, i most definitely dont look at kids and wish to be that. i like getting older...i like being able to state my opinion, and make decisions. i like being a contributing member of society. life in your 20s is a mish-mash of confusion, hormones, stubbornness, fear, and all-around angst. though i am not going to miss this, i do know that it is part of the journey.

im excited for that next chapter...the boyfriend (i know, i know, who am i!?!), and settling down a bit.
what i find difficult is that i like to live my life the way i feel i need to...work, workout, see friends, etc. i like to do certain things, eat certain things, run at certain times, etc. i know this is true for everyone, and i just hope i can find a gem of a boy to fill in my puzzle. that is key, right?! i mean if you are going to date someone, he has to compliment you or itll never work.

well, i do have feelers out, and a crush (or several?!). ahhh yes, boys.

coming up on my 27th birthday, i feel good. i feel like i have seen so much, accomplished so much and been really open to life. i have given different cities, jobs, people and opportunities a chance, and have really grown into my shoes. at 27 i feel like i know who i am. i know what i like and i know how to be a great friend. im excited because i have so much more to learn, see and meet, but i like where i am headed. and, although i hate being cold, im excited to be back on the east coast.

the big apple has proven interesting to get used to. its a whole 'nother planet in terms of how things work. you have to take public transportation everywhere (um, yea, hopping in the car and grabbing groceries doesnt exist), and figuring out which subway to grab in which direction and switching platforms has been hilariously ridiculous. i am my own version of a really bad reality show. but thats ok.
if i can live in LA, NYC, philly and countless others, as well as get through the death of my dad, i an do anything. im not really phased by anything. cause i can do it. need the proof. its all there.

well im going to sign off, but not before i wish my little bloggie a happy birthday month! pretty exciting.

happy halloween all! xoxo

happy halloween!

2010-10-31T10:48:00.000-07:00

its that time of year again! halloween is such a funny, crazy holiday. we went out last night, and the sight on the subway was RIDICULOUS. there was a unicorn, 2 girls that were pieces of bread (they kept sandwiching people...it was sooooooooooooooooo funny!!), a zombie, etc. i love how people get into it...what an absurd day, right??

the one thing i cant get comfortable with is masks. to get to the party we were going to, we had to walk a little ways down a pretty dark street. coming toward us was a dude walking alone in all black with the most terrifying mask on that i have ever seen. im typically not ok with those. otherwise, i think its hilarious.

anyway, i ended up being a cat and ali was alice (in wonderland). i took a pic of us getting ready.

ali and i had gotten together earlier in the day to costume shop. note to self: costume shopping the day before halloween SUCKS. haha. we stood outside the shop for 20 minutes like we were in line to get into a bar in college. they were on the 1 in, 1 out, system. whaat?!

anyway, i opted for a cat. costumes are SOOOO expensive, so were trying to think of cute ideas without spending $50+....which, sadly, is very hard to do. oh, also, we wanted to wear clothes, not be "slutty" anything. they didnt have just cat ears by themselves, so i got this little kit thing that came with ears, a tail, collar, and cuffs. we decided it had to be somewhat of a sex-kitten thing....i didnt wear the cuffs or collar. yea, NO. also, my tail and ears had pearls on them. not sure why, but i went with it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

the charms of my apt keep showing themselves

2010-10-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

i thought today would be a great time to turn on the heat and make sure it works. there a little nob on the side of this heater, so i turned it. nothing happened. i kept turning it...and it came off! haha.

ok so i tried twisting it back the opposite direction and reattached the knob. waited a few minutes and kept checking the unit. it didnt get warm.

i was confused and feeling defeated. i went to the bathroom (silly deets i know, sorry) and lo and behold...the heat comes out of a pole in the bathroom! HAHAHA.

so, yea. my heat is in the bathroom. not really sure why theres a heat unit in the main room...it doesnt do anything!

happy lil apt....you are a weird little thing. kinda like your owner, so ill go with it :)

ps...

2010-10-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

amy, you need to start blogging again. and we must meet up soon. that is all. haha!

11 days

2010-10-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

moved in 11 days ago. crazy!! it honestly feels as though it has gone super fast, but i know how much i have been through in the past 11 days. my emotions have been all over the place. ive done a lot of thinking (thank YOU no cable and internet)....haha.

its feeling a lot more like home now. mom was here last weekend and gave it her touch. YESS! thanks mom!! you are THE BEST, as we know. i now have cable and internet, and pics and paintings are hung. i have a few more things im planning to do, but a home is a process...and im in no hurry to "finish".

friends have seen it, mom has been here, and a housewarming party is being planned. flick and i get together all the time (living 3 blocks from your best bud is pretty great) and i pretty much fall in love with every cute boy i pass on the street, subway, or grocery store (what else is new!).

life is a process. its hard, its fun, its hurtful, its funny, its honest. all of it, all the bad, all the good, all the ugly and all the beauty is worth it. i know that to be true. for someone like me who is such a spaz, i sometimes struggle with all sorts of things, but my family and friends keep me grounded.

cheers!

just sayin'...

2010-10-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

if you havent already heard it, please download and play "empire state of mind" by alicia keys featuring jay-z. in it, jay-z sings a line about "560 state street....": this is my street! i got a shout-out!

strictly out of curiosity, ali and i walked down my street a few blocks to see exactly where this building was. when jay-z lived in brooklyn, namely 560 state street, he was selling a lot of drugs and such. we walked by, and its a relatively nice place. just so funny you know!

basically, im just sayin', big things seem to happen on state street. hope its an omen to my life!

time to ramble

2010-10-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

i found myself homesick last night. i had gotten home from running errands, spending a few hours with ali before she caught the train home for a week and grabbing a movie (without cable and internet, i am not in a huge hurry to get home) and began unwrapping my last box. it was picture frames. frame after frame of my family, my dad. i got teary. there are just some times that i get to thinking about life and how much id like to see my dad, talk to him and ask for his guidance. my dad had a way of making me feel smart, funny and beautiful even when i didnt feel it for myself. he had a complicated daughter (arent we all?!) and he just handled me, and everything in life, with such grace and ease. i would give anything to have him visit me in brooklyn, laugh at a joke, go run with me, help me land a boyfriend, loosen up about myself, and see that maybe one day things will fall into place. but he cant do that. i get a sense of ease when i pray at night and think about him, but i cant help but fight just how amazingly sucky life is without my dad.

thats not to say the people in my life arent amazing. you all are. my dad was just.....well.....dad. irreplaceable. in times like now where im adjusting to a new city and trying to find my way, a job, and organize my apartment, a bit of dad would be great. the moments when i fully believe i am not qualified for anything, id like him to tell me he loves me. the moments when i am alone or homesick, or bummed a boy wasnt interested...id love for him to tell me that im a catch, and hes only an email, phone call, text or train ride away. when i am feeling sluggish or tired after too much alcohol, too much sugar and not enough exercise...id like for him to remind me that im a great runner, and hes proud.

i dont mean any of this selfishly. anyone that knows me knows that nothing makes me happier than telling those i love how amazing they are. its just that my dad had a special way of reminding me about all the things i forget about myself.

life in your 20s is tough. there is so much self-doubt and self-acceptance (or not) happening. theres a lot of soul-searching, highs and lows. i know life is tough in all generations for various reasons, but for now, im still learning how to be 26. im trying to find a good guy to be mine. im trying to find something i love to do for a living. im trying to find a balance between wanting to be a great athlete and party animal.

ok, ill continue this self-introspection later, but before i sign off id like to share with you my hellish move. to start, the guy moving me told me on wednesday hed be at my apt between 7:30-8am on friday. because of this my mom cancelled her train cause she wasnt going to get there until 11, and by that time the move would be over. fast forward to friday and he didnt end up getting there until 945. that, and he showed up alone. who the hell shows up to move someone alone?!?! i was pissed. i called my mom. im still hoping to get some sort of refund for this. we had to ask some workers working next door to help with moving. i politely asked the guy why he showed up alone, and he defensively responded, "maam, ive been doing this for 32 years. i know what i am doing, are you questioning my abilities?" i was like, "no, im not at all, i just know that experience doesnt help move furniture, bodies do. seeing as youve done this a time or two, id think youd know this". ha!

well, he got me back. he asked if he could be. EXTREMELY hesitantly i said ok. he then took a huge shit and asked to please leave the apt while the smell diminished. i was MORTIFIED. MORTIFIED!!! a move that should have taken not much time took 4+ hours. he took a few smoke breaks. explained that smoking wasnt the reason he was short of breath going up 2 flights of stairs or the reason he had no teeth. (i didnt ask). defensive much?? haha.

needless to say, i wasnt a fan of my mover. the neighbors that helped were dolls!! i tipped 'em $20. i mean, they did move me. i didnt have any more cash than that, so that was it...but i got 'em waters and sodas. it was funny cause they actually felt bad for me throughout this whole thing. to quote one of them, "i think hes a fucking moron. we want to see you get moved successfully. please ask us for anything you need. lets hurry this up, so jackass goes home". he spent much of the move telling me how rich he was and how he doesnt get out of bed for anywhere near $350 a day. what the fuck?!

thats only the beginning. ive got many more ramblings to share :)
xoxo

sunday

2010-10-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

so here i am, sitting in my neighborhood starbucks blogging since i wont be getting cable for a few more days and i needed to blog. that, and well, escape unpacking and doing things within my apt for a while. i will do more of that tonight, and wanted to use my daylight hours for other things) haha.

ok, its happening again. im job hunting and doing other work instead of blogging.

this will get better, i swear! thanks for bearing with me...i know my lil bloggie hasnt been that exciting.

more updates to come. XOXO

hi there bloggie!

2010-10-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

where did september go?! haha, i dont think i blogged in that entire month. good god! i have been doing so many things in so many places, i just needed a break i guess, sometimes in order to live life the way you want to, or should, you cant help but not have time to write it all down. this post itself has taken me 5 days...ive written a little, and stopped to take care of other things.

i want to wrap up this post and do another one, so here is a pic of my apt. shes pretty small, but perfect for my first new york apartment. apt hunting here is one thing that will never escape my mind. one of my bfs summed it up best, "usually after we experience immense pain, enough time can erase it. take childbirth. its crazy, but people forget and have another. the pain and misery of apartment hunting lasts forever" haha. i thought it was perfectly fitting, and funny.

please note that there are tons to come (mom is visiting this weekend, and we will share tons!), but i want you all to see my new home, as you were so amazing through my move.

hkpa blog 2.0

2010-08-31T08:53:00.000-07:00

as you may notice, i changed my lil bloggie a bit. as i find myself amidst a move of 3000 miles, i figure my blog should change right along with me.

im heading to the city tomorrow for a few days of what i refer to as "spending the day getting lost". its how i got to know LA, and its how i anticipate getting to know NYC. its the best way for me to learn a big city. ill head back to lanc on friday to spend labor day weekend here, and head back to new york to continue apt hunting next week (noone was available to show us apts this week as its a holiday).

im off to get my car.

hello lanc!

2010-08-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

i am back in the land of the amish! i landed friday morning after a red eye home and have been exhausted ever since (doesnt help when you party until 4am with friends, i know...) but all worth it! i have some hilarious stories i will be sure to share...stay tuned!

since i landed, i have had the most overwhelming emotions. i have felt ready to cry, and even want to leave. it wasnt until last night when all my best friends got together to party that i felt safe. my life is in a bit of a limbo right now. im living my life and believe 100% in myself, and just know that i am going to figure it out, but moving across the country definitely does not come without its issues. i cant help but feel in my moms way, and desperately want an apt of my own. ill elaborate, but we are jetting to a movie

i will do some serious posting later with necessary updates and details, but until then, heres a sneak peak at flicks engagement party...we took tons of pics!

saturday the 14th

2010-08-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

that just doesnt have quite the same ring as friday the 13th, eh? oh well, itll have to do.

so here i am on a saturday morning after a really, really late night out, drinking a latte and eating popchips. why is it that i cant sleep worth shit on days that i can (it is saturday, afterall), but am desperate for sleep during the week, when i have to get up. grr. just one of the many ironies of life i suppose.

12 days until moving day. its going to suck going a few days without cable or internet, but hey, a girl can survive right?! im going out for a celebratory dinner tonight with the armies. so excited.
(so i moved out here a year ago...and was in such better shape. 15 pounds lighter, kinda strict, etc. life just got in my way...no apologies. except, my clothes dont fit. haha.)

id like to think dad is up there smiling down on me. if he is proud, nothing else matters. id like to think i am getting to a point where i believe someone will love me for me. i tend to "run" so-to-speak when things get too serious. i know this. i know i dont really let dudes fully into my life. i am trying to change this. i am at a point where i am ready to love someone. have someone just love me. not kinda, not a little...but really love me. granted, i dont know if id know a real, healthy, normal relationship if it smacked me in the face (thank you A), but ill get there. i know how smart, funny, etc. i am. i know how amazing of an athlete i can be. i know the amount of food this chick can shovel in. i make no apologies for me. i will never be 90 pounds. i will never turn down fresh made cookies, or after dinner drinks. i will always be a runner. i may not run a 6-minute mile, but that doesnt mean im no good.

i guess, the thinking is..if im not the best, why try? i will never the the fastest, skinniest, tannest, richest, etc. so what?! there is always someone else. im finally at a place where thats ok. I AM ME. hilary armstrong kelley is a kick ass chick that can get pedis with the girls and beers with the boys. my guy friends want me on their sports teams, and the girls want me in their circles. thats enough for me.

i have an appetite for life. going through grief after my dad, i shut that down. i craved order. strict schedules. i didnt want to do anything that i couldnt control. i felt as though my life was already spinning out of control. i have now come to find that i am ready to welcome the world back to me. i am ready to take weekend trips to places, get drunk with buds, spend the night in strange places. all of it. not that i hadnt been doing that, i just want to do more of it. one of my top three weekends this past year was when my three best friends came to LA. i havent packed so much fun, food, drinks and insanity into three days in a really long time. i loved EVERY MINUTE. did we worry about waking up and running? NO. did we binge on ice cream? YES. look, im not saying thats the key. i am not lazy, and have no interest in getting fat. but, to quote the movie eat, pray, love, "im just done with the guilt". so what if i miss a run. so what if i am not 90 pounds. life is too short.

i am a corporate woman. i have paved a resume full of amazing experience. i have amazing friends. i have met amazing people. me. just me. i have. i have lived in amazing cities. i have worked hard to get good things for myself. me. i have. at 26 i cant be too hard on myself. i have done a lot, seen a lot, tried a lot, dated a lot, kissed a lot, tasted a lot, experienced a lot.

not to get all melo-dramatic (spelling??!), but i disagree that the grieving gets easier. if anything, i find it gets harder. you keep living your life, wishing the person you lost could just be there with you. you can no longer share anything with them. i talk to dad before i go to bed, but lets face it, hes not here. talking to his spirit is amazingly fulfilling, but id like him here ;). however, that kind of thinking will not get me anywhere. this next step in my life, next chapter if-you-will, will be incredible. dad will be in my head and heart the whole way, as always. i am a strong, independent chick. new york: here i come.

thank you LA. you have given me what i came here for. but, i am ready to leave. you were a fling. now i need the real thing. spoken like a true boy crazy girl....haha.

more to come. xoxo

hungry? yea me too...i think ill take a bite of the "big apple"

2010-08-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

countdown: 18 days until ill be on a red eye en route to fabulosity on the east coast.

updates to come later. but im getting super ansy.

today is a very special day.

2010-07-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!

my dad is 57 today. i think one of the entertaining things about life is how perception changes. take age, for example. when you are 7 or so, your babysitter seems so old! at 16, or 18 (of if you were me, 14) you were still a baby yourself. just for the record, i cant believe so many families let me babysit their kids at such a young age. haha. oh, memories.

then, you turn 16. you think youre so mature, so cool. so ready for cell phones, dates, the mall, cars. you think youre parents are lame. you know it all. anything you do is cool. you need all the coolest clothes. (this being abercrombie and gap). you want to drive to concerts with your buds, drink, smoke maybe, etc. basically, just drive the world crazy.

being a college freshmen sounds so young. turning 21 seems crazy mature. 25 even more so. at 26, i feel good about where i am, but it sounds "old". i look at my brother, who, at 30, seems super young. i mean that in the sense that 30 seems younger than 26. doesnt make sense, just my perspective. from there it gets fuzzy. i look at pictures of my family and all my aunts and dad especially redefine age. my parents look way younger than their 50s, aunts and uncles too.

age is just a number. it doesnt make you smarter, funnier, skinnier, wiser or more understanding by default. you have to work at those things. you have the opportunity to always work on yourself and these things. i love that.

at 57, my dad has more spunk, ambition, selflessness, wisdom, jokes, personality and drive then people half his age. he was just that way. he isnt physically here anymore, but i know he is up there looking down and he is all those things.

ok, now that i have done some reflecting, its time to get to the real reason for this post. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDIO. i love you so much and wish you were here. you are the most amazing man, and i am forever grateful for you. im one lucky daughter...you are one hell of a dad. i love you!!!!!!!

celebrity running

2010-07-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

check out this link to find out what kind of celebrity runner you are.

i am...

hilary's Result: Oprah Winfrey

on quiz: What type of celebrity runner are you?

We all have to credit Oprah for making the marathon mainstream. In 1994, she said she would finish a marathon before she turned 40. She finished the Marine Corps marathon in 4:29:20.

Quiz Maker

Take this quiz & get your result

What type of celebrity runner are you? » fun quizzes

haha. this quiz was ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. i run for a lot of reasons and have my habits. this quiz does not reflect any of that. sheer entertainment though. kudos to the crazy that thought of these questions.

just a few things on my mind

2010-07-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

1. i dont get why its called twitter. what the hell is "twitter". im not judging the fact that people do it, but where the hell did the word come from. i cant be the only one who thinks this...

2. family and friends really are all that matter. a fun job, a cool apt and tons of money are all extras.

3. if you cant tone it, tan it! :)

4. dear chelsea handler: you used to be funny. i liked you. i watched your show. what the hell has happened. i find your show rather boring these days, or at least the one time i have seen it within the last few weeks.

5. i dont find twilight intriguing or any other vampire show on tv. just dont.

6. yes i am still boy crazy. i hope i never lose that. i am able to balance it with real relationships, but silly little crushes are super fun.

7. monogamy is possible, if you want it to be. (i hope by saying this its true) haha.

8. i have a lot of friends that are on eharmony. some are dating or in relationships. kinda makes me weary of #7. haha.

9. i think i fell in love twice yesterday. both times in my apt elevator. (ok, not really love. but the boys were cute. cute!!)

10. i dont care what brad and angelina are up to. they wanna adpot 67 more kids...who cares. mel gibson? jesus. tiger woods? gross. this list could go on forever...

i will continue to post lists like this because a) its totally fun and entertaining, and b) i have lots of opinions! yay.

what a year

2010-07-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

this past year has kinda come full circle. i flew to california with a one way ticket, and ill be flying to pennsylvania with the same. as much as i love warm weather (and hate you snow!) i am really psyched to head back east. my childhood and life are back there. i think i can suck it up and put on a coat. haha.

more updates to come...

a little glamour entertainment

2010-07-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

glamour mag has supplied me with a lil reading entertainment many times over the years. here for your enjoyment, are their top ten apps they wish were made: (feel free to share your ideas for apps. i know i have tons!)

iHouseboy: he scrubs the tub and muddles a mean mojito

make these shoes comfy: wave phone and strut

no way youll be at work today: creates and sends genius excuses

gaga-fy: pass it over any outfit and fabulize (that one seems a bit scary to me. i dont want to look anything like her. no offense to her, it just would not work. haha)

bad-date exit strategy: calls you mid-salad, just in case!

red alert: provides a one-hour warning that your period is on its way (how cool would that be. the word cool being used in context here. obviously your period is never cool, but this warning is fabulous!)

insta-puppy: gives you an adorable temporary pooch anytime a cute guy is within sight

the decode-me: translates the actual hidden agendas of passive-aggressive people

eyes in the back of your head: tells you how your butt looks in that

zero-humidity hair: works even in a monsoon of epic proportions

fun, huh! it would be so fun to have a job where it was up to you to create new apps. i can think of zillions that would be so fun, creative, cool, etc.

its official!

2010-07-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

im engaged! haha just kidding. that will be a fun announcement though, huh?!

haha ok, but really, i have a move date. i will be leaving LA and returning to my roots august 26th. just in time for one of the best parties of the summer: alis engagement party!

i cant believe this year has come full circle. although drew and i will not be ending the year by running the san fran half marathon this year, we are planning to run one in north carolina in november. (and if you can believe it, there is a half marathon in lancaster called the "amish country half" that i kinda want to check out. not sure of the crowd on that one....haha, ill stop my judging here. :)

anyway, the LA to NYC is on. officially 37 days and counting......

its dads birthday in one week. thats hard. i really find it so strange that he is no longer here. it is definitely something that i am always going to struggle with. death is something that is so beyond my thinking. i remember dad always struggling with how he felt about religion seeing as there is no way to prove there is a god, heaven, hell, etc. its all belief. im a lot like that. the world tells me he is dead, but as my dad, he is always here. i refuse to ever say out loud the word "dead". i dont like it. its too hard. i look at pictures, i talk about him out loud, i remember my childhood...he was always there. he helped get me through puberty, boys, and college. he helped me survive moving to arizona, passing my drivers test, getting my period and failing my first and only class. he helped me realize my potential, helped me move to my first big city for my first big job out of school and even some funny dates. he and mom were both instrumental in me becoming me. i know that never goes away and i am finally realizing that my friends and family want to help me continue to grow and live life. i dont need to run away anymore. i dont need to prove that i can do it on my own. (fleeing to LA and finding a job, apt, and life on my own was something that i needed to do for me). i feel like i was having delayed onset grief. my way of dealing was to say "fuck you" to the world. i now understand myself better, and finally get what ali has been telling me..."hil, when you struggle, i struggle. when im sad, youre sad. as best friends we all go through things together. youre supposed to share all that with me...let me share the burden". for so long i felt like i had to do it all alone, as though i had something to prove. i dont. the funny thing is, my family and friends love me as is. (i know, theyre crazy!) haha.

its funny....growing up, i mean. you learn all these things, you struggle, you succeed, you make money and lose it. you laugh, you cry and get pissed. its all worth it. all of it.

thank you to those that have continued to be my rocks. i have had a very odd, fulfilling, crazy, annoying, hilarious, fun, few years. its knowing that i have all of you that has made it possible. (especially you mom)

big day

2010-07-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

gamma had surgery today. been a long day of updates and scary texts. she is officially done with the op and mom, uncle andy and uncle dwight are waiting to see her. cant wait to get the call that she is fabulous (ill prob be back east by then, as recovery is estimated at 4-6 weeks).

on another note, the moving guy came to my apt today to take note of everything i am packing. after he left, i went and got some boxes so that i can start packing my stuff (my mom said i could just leave it for the movers, but i asked him today and he told me that fore every box they pack its $58). um, no thanks. i can pack my own stuff. and really, id rather do that.

more updates later! love you
xoxo

you know youre growing up when...

2010-07-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

your friends start to get engaged. what the hell. when did this happen?! i guess despite all the promises to never grow up that my grandmother always used to make me promise just cant happen. the ultimate is going to be when i finally meet a guy that i love for more than 5 minutes and get engaged then we will know the world really has lost its shit.

ive got one of my best friends engagement parties in about 6 weeks. cant wait. im trying to figure out the most creative, funny, yet amazingly perfect gift. i mean this is a girl i have known since i was like 3. maybe 5. and i cant pretend that i am not super excited to meet her fiances friends...well, ive met most, but his new friends. from law school. ali thinks ill find HIM. considering the last guy i really liked (no, aussie stud doesnt count. nor does the adorbs dude i met out at a dance club. both lovely, both fun. neither are long terms if you know what i mean) sucked ass, things are looking up. i have crushes every 5 minutes...just yesterday i passed a stud riding his bike. i thought about yelling at him for his number...but that just seemed tacky. haha.

the decision has been made. i am moving back to the east coast. ill discuss all my thoughts later (i have poured over everything with my mom and best friends for weeks now. its just a lot to type and im not really in the mood. world cup is on :)) im crazy excited. lots of anticipation and excitement. cant wait to spend tons of time laughing, dancing, eating, talking, and getting into trouble with my bests...all the while drinking too much and soaking up the sun. aaaand, i cant wait to date a great guy. thats right, you heard it here first. id like a nice one. peace out LA boys. some of you were fun. some were gross. and one, well, you sucked. (in all honesty, you sucked a long time ago, it just took me a while to quit you....haha). a special shout out to craig for being my therapist. hes taking bets now that said boy is going to come out pretty soon. haha. god, i need a drink.

happy saturday! xoxo

sorry bloggie!

2010-06-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

i dont really have a great reason/excuse as to why i wasnt blogging except for the fact that i wasnt really feeling it these past few weeks. a little time off is always necessary in life no matter what we do though, no?! so i guess thats what ill call it.

july 4th is this weekend and i cant believe it. i moved out here 11 months ago. that is nuts!! with one month to go on my lease, i am in serious thinking mode about my next step. so far its involved lots of tears, lots of stress, lots of chocolate and and lots of late night amazing convos with my besties. yep, pretty much the norm :) thanks guys for all the support (team hilary is incredible and i couldnt survive without you). xoxo

thanks mom

2010-06-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

…for always being my number one fan. from cheering me on at intramural soccer games, to letting me join you in aerobic classes, to driving us all over the northeast playing select soccer you never missed a chance to tell me you were proud of me.

…for teaching me to to be independent and adventurous. i know it sucks that i keep moving around the country and always seem to be living 3,000 miles away, swinging through town only for whirlwind holiday visits or quick weekends. know that home is always in my heart, even if we don’t see each other nearly as much as we should. (that is going to change. ha!)

…for reading my blog. and commenting. i have had several people mention how cool it is that you do that. thanks for being a member of my little community here.

...for being my mom. i know its not easy being a mom to a growing women. we are complicated (understatement?!), but i just want you to know that its really special to me that you support me no matter what i decide.

...for helping me grieve, grow and learn how to live life. you not only let me look to you for help and advice, you encourage it. you never pounce on me in moments of weakness or confusion, you laugh at them with me.

so, thank you. i mean it. really: thank you. i cant wait to see you soon, FINALLY! i love you so much bestie. xoxo

hey, its ok!

2010-05-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

...to laugh so loudly that everyone stares (mom, we got this one down!)

...to spend a whole happy hour making up names for that band you all are totally going to start one day.

...if the erotic appeal of toe-sucking utterly baffles you.

...to not have the kind of dad who plays golf, wears ties, and serves as your personal ATM. (hear that, gretting card people?!)

...if you have a "type". the heart wants what it wants. and the loins. they want what they want too.

...to tell him youll need more than a drawer at his place. please: counter space in the bathroom, room in the closet, and a spot for your soymilk. lets me real.

...to have a couple of holdover phrases from high school that you can get rid of. sweet!

10 things that never cross a mans mind

2010-05-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

* i know! ill write an actual letter explaining how i feel.

* man, i am so in the mood for a sweet little romantic gerard butler comedy.

* if i want us to date for two years and have time together before three kids, with the last one born by 38...god, i need to meet the love of my life tonight.

* i really gotta replace these undies.

* oh, wow, babe, this teapot would be perfect to put away for your mom for next christmas.

* darn this huge penis.

* im boycotting sex until she apologizes.

* two pounds up? no beer for a month!

* no, no, its ok, boss, you dont have to pay me well.

* if you like it, you should put a ring on it!

HAHAHA! had to share this, i just loved it!!!

am i ready to head back to the snow?!

2010-05-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know, i am contemplating a move back east.
this decision is being fueled by a lot of things. here is a little walk through my head: (seatbelts on!!)

* my best friends are in nyc and have wanted me there for way too long
* i love nyc
* i love the east coast
* id have a roomie (and i think i need one...i think its make my life so much more fun!)
* id be a train ride from mom, and drew for that matter
* lets face it, i will find a job. i found a job, an apt, and got my car in 4 days in LA. i think i can do it....

of course there are cons to every pro, and i am able to recognize that. i know it wont be easy or simple, but when in life have i chosen that route?! haha. i work hard. i can survive anything. ive hit bottom in terms of fragility and have been able to work my way through it. im pretty sure nothing, noone and no city can hit me as hard as losing my dad. and for that, i feel prepared for any and all bullshit. look, if i can handle working for dov charney at AA, i can handle nyc.

thoughts?!

happy mothers day!!

2010-05-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

Mom, I love you.

Thanks for always putting up with me throughout all the hysterical phone calls, tears, sore throats, homesickness, tummy aches, spontaneous business ideas and sheer hilary-isms. I am proud to be your daughter. Even more than that, I am lucky to be your daughter. These past 10 months have been excruciating being away from you, but have taught me things I needed to find. I know who I am and I know what I want. I know what I am capable of, and I know how to push myself, and when to loosen up. I have gotten clarity (read: clarity, not understanding, haha!) on our situation...I still dont get it, but I am learning to channel dad when I need to because of everything he was able to give me before he was taken. You are my best friend and I cant wait for our next chapter...in the same tiem zone. Happy mothers day to the greatest mom there is. Youre the best, I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo

i blame my hormones

2010-04-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

i cant quench my hunger for chocolate! 2 chocolate drizzled pita sandwiches, chocolate covered pretzles, a chocolate protein bar, countless nips candies and so on. yum yum! i think im hormonal. that and work has been sucking like crazy. (i swear i had real meals today too...those were just some chocolatey extras!), ps, the boy!? he sucks. im over it. thank you, that is all :)

haha! happy thursday. this little chub is going to continue drowning her emotions in chocolate. yea, its healthy. its getting me through this week. bye bye!

confessions of a blogger

2010-04-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

i still love the backstreet boys. they just came out with a new album, and i love it.

i am in love. at least in hilary world. hes a lucky SOB isnt he?! haha, just kidding.

i am having a ball creating a life here in LA. its so great meeting good people. makes it all worth it when you seem to meet a lot of not-so-good people (nicest way to say it).

i like to hike in the middle on nowhere with great people. the best adventures always happen that way.

i want my dad back.

i saw the hugest penis today from a tiny little bishon. he was dry humping a lab, and it was huge. we all joked that he had the dick of a black man (please excuse the language). it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. took 20 minutes just to go back in. too much information, i know, but this was truly the most hilariously, amazingly ridiculous thing i have seen in a long time! OMG! wish we had taken a picture.

i love bbq-ing with friends. i have high hopes for the summer :)

really wants this boy to work out. (he has the same initials as my best friend. if that isnt a sign, i dont know what is! haha)

i have been a bit absent blogging these past couple weeks. real life got in the way a bit. i really need to add some pics and update what i have been up to. i have visited malibu, hiked the zuma beach canyons, gone to a jazz concert with my boy crush, met some great people, have spent many nights enjoying the weather and bbqing with friends, suffered through work, planned an amazing weekend for my best friends to come visit, gone on some amazing runs, etc. oh, and i downloaded some backstreet boys songs. HA! i definitely owe my lil blog some pictures. i hope to do that soon!!