hitting that proverbial brick wall

randy pausch so famously described hitting brick walls throughout his life, and finding ways to either knock through them or jump over them. i feel like i am at a place where i have hit one. now, how i am going to find my way around it...im just not sure :)

i feel a bit like ive come to a crossroads in my life. im not one of those people that needs all the answers right now...but enjoys moving around and creating my life in different cities with people. it probably doesnt help that my best friends are all the same in this regard.

do i go to california and see if aaron and i make it happen? do i make my life work there, and get a job and have fun. do i stay here and hope we work it out? do i change my life and see what happens, or stay here. im not afraid of change...if anything, i thrive on it. i feel so strongly about this boy...something i am not used to feeling. would i move for him?! yes. but im no fool...there would need to be commitment on both sides.

i know how short life is. i know how exciting love is. i know that no matter what, my best friends are always there...something we all proved to each other the other week. my friends are in my pocket no matter what. they encouraged me to follow my heart..."hil, fuck....you belong in LA. we all know you will make it anywhere so just give it a shot...do it!!"

then theres that little thing of what i want to be doing. i think working 7 days a week is really starting to annoy me. i still make time to go out (often) but it frustrates me that i dont ever have a day off. life is not work. even when you are passionate about what you do, there is more to life than work. also, retail blows. retail 7 days a week blows. and i hate to complain, i really do but im feeling oddly trapped in a weird head space, weird world.

the next few weeks/months will be telling. i will need to make some decisions about some things. i could really use dads advice and help right about now. thats another thing...i was so much better off with him in so many ways. god dammit. god dammit. god dammit.

so where does that leave me? ive got some things to figure out, but i will. there are times where i get scared and confused, but mostly im excited about the future. aaron says its going to be a great year...ill take his word for it. life is all about risks...no matter what, its going to give you shitty days, pissy people and unfortuate events. but you keep going, and youll have a ball creating those moments of triumph, fun, love and inspiration. and if that means i have to throw balls to the wall, and move...well, fuck, im up for it. whatever happens, life is going to be great. and i will knock over that brick wall...and continue on until i hit the next one ;)