dad? is that you?

as many of you know, i spent the weekend fending off the flu. i did nothing but lay around all day, and cook myself cozy little meals. (which by the way, were delicious). i proved how much i can cook!

as a side effect to being so sick, i tried to sleep as much as i could. throughout the nights, i kept getting wiffs of "that smell". for those of you who have been with me throughout this blog, you know what smell i am referring to. its the smell of dad in the hospice room. its the smell that lingered days after he was gone. its the smell that i will carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that reminds me so vividly what we went through, and what i never want to experience again.

its actually pretty weird. this smell is something that is so vivid, so pungent, so unique to this time in my life. i pretty much think that either dad was with me throughout the nights, or so was death. i guess both, considering its dads smell, and it stemmed from his body at a time when shit was being ravaged and our lives were ransacked. i hope i dont die...i hope its not that. i hope it was dad. i hope he was there, aiding me through my time of need. he knew mom couldnt physically be there, so he was  :)

things have felt pretty heavy, i will be honest. i think im getting over my cold, but some depression and sadness has made itself a nice little home. mom and i have had some crazy, therapeutic calls filled with tears, sobs, laughter, confusion and love. mom and i dont sensor each other, we dont sugar coat. we are each others rock, but also puddle. you wanna swear, cry, laugh at anything?! you call me, and lets yell it out! thats what we do.

but were sad. life without dad its pretty fucking un-kelley-like. i miss his advice, his emails, and god dammit, i miss calling him at work and laughing with his secretary that hes busy and cant get the phone. i miss him hugging and kissing me, and letting me know that life will be ok. now, how are we supposed to know?! who is going to be the big poppa for us?! this isnt fair...and not only that, it doesnt make sense. it doesnt FUCKING make sense.

life is definitely interesting. sometimes great, sometimes not. my dad should be a part of it. i had a lot of time to think about things while i was laying around. i thought a lot about dad, and i kept reliving all these amazingly funny memories of our lives. i remember his face, his voice, and loving him so much. i see a lot of me in him, i want to live up to that. i want to be like him. those are some big shoes, i know. but im his daughter...so, if i aim for the stars, at least ill fly knowing that i am a kelley.

i know dad was with me. i smelled him. and mom, you know, that smell is not something you can imagine. it as real. 2 days. i think thats the reason we are all so emotional too. his spirit is around...letting us know he is ok.

we love you dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
come visit anytime, all the time! i am happy to smell you! :)