so im back from christmas break. it was lovely to be home :) while i cant live there quite yet, there is something so safe and happy about being home. i guess thats why its home :)
this year helping out with christmas dinner at hospice was super difficult. the moment we arrived i had a raging headache. i felt heavy and oddly sad. while food was heating up in the ovens i ventured down the hall to my dads room. i stood by the door to look in (i didnt want to go in since someone was in there) and just stood still. memories of those 7 days came flashing back to me. i stood there outside the very room where i lost my dad. i thought i had gotten to a place where i could be ok with all those memories, but i dont think that will ever be true. after a few minutes i walked back toward the kitchen as mom was walking toward me. i broke down as she hugged me so tight.
"mom, i need a minute. i didnt know this was going to happen"
"hil, take all the time. i am so proud of you"
even writing this is tough. i cant imagine fighting this battle with anyone other than my mom. she is so supportive of those mini breakdowns and i am so thankful for her. i helped a bit longer and ran home. my head was so heavy and hurt from holding back so much emotion that i knew a run was the only thing that could help me. i cranked up my headphones to a pretty deafening level and ran home. it wasnt super long, about 30-40 minutes or so, but man, it felt good.
ok, on to happier things :)...
say hi to buddy!!
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