saturday the 14th

that just doesnt have quite the same ring as friday the 13th, eh? oh well, itll have to do.

so here i am on a saturday morning after a really, really late night out, drinking a latte and eating popchips. why is it that i cant sleep worth shit on days that i can (it is saturday, afterall), but am desperate for sleep during the week, when i have to get up. grr. just one of the many ironies of life i suppose.

12 days until moving day. its going to suck going a few days without cable or internet, but hey, a girl can survive right?! im going out for a celebratory dinner tonight with the armies. so excited.
(so i moved out here a year ago...and was in such better shape. 15 pounds lighter, kinda strict, etc. life just got in my apologies. except, my clothes dont fit. haha.)

id like to think dad is up there smiling down on me. if he is proud, nothing else matters. id like to think i am getting to a point where i believe someone will love me for me. i tend to "run" so-to-speak when things get too serious. i know this. i know i dont really let dudes fully into my life. i am trying to change this. i am at a point where i am ready to love someone. have someone just love me. not kinda, not a little...but really love me. granted, i dont know if id know a real, healthy, normal relationship if it smacked me in the face (thank you A), but ill get there. i know how smart, funny, etc. i am. i know how amazing of an athlete i can be. i know the amount of food this chick can shovel in. i make no apologies for me. i will never be 90 pounds. i will never turn down fresh made cookies, or after dinner drinks. i will always be a runner. i may not run a 6-minute mile, but that doesnt mean im no good.

i guess, the thinking is..if im not the best, why try? i will never the the fastest, skinniest, tannest, richest, etc. so what?! there is always someone else. im finally at a place where thats ok. I AM ME. hilary armstrong kelley is a kick ass chick that can get pedis with the girls and beers with the boys. my guy friends want me on their sports teams, and the girls want me in their circles. thats enough for me.

i have an appetite for life. going through grief after my dad, i shut that down. i craved order. strict schedules. i didnt want to do anything that i couldnt control. i felt as though my life was already spinning out of control. i have now come to find that i am ready to welcome the world back to me. i am ready to take weekend trips to places, get drunk with buds, spend the night in strange places. all of it. not that i hadnt been doing that, i just want to do more of it. one of my top three weekends this past year was when my three best friends came to LA. i havent packed so much fun, food, drinks and insanity into three days in a really long time. i loved EVERY MINUTE. did we worry about waking up and running? NO. did we binge on ice cream? YES. look, im not saying thats the key. i am not lazy, and have no interest in getting fat. but, to quote the movie eat, pray, love, "im just done with the guilt". so what if i miss a run. so what if i am not 90 pounds. life is too short.

i am a corporate woman. i have paved a resume full of amazing experience. i have amazing friends. i have met amazing people. me. just me. i have. i have lived in amazing cities. i have worked hard to get good things for myself. me. i have. at 26 i cant be too hard on myself. i have done a lot, seen a lot, tried a lot, dated a lot, kissed a lot, tasted a lot, experienced a lot.

not to get all melo-dramatic (spelling??!), but i disagree that the grieving gets easier. if anything, i find it gets harder. you keep living your life, wishing the person you lost could just be there with you. you can no longer share anything with them. i talk to dad before i go to bed, but lets face it, hes not here. talking to his spirit is amazingly fulfilling, but id like him here ;). however, that kind of thinking will not get me anywhere. this next step in my life, next chapter if-you-will, will be incredible. dad will be in my head and heart the whole way, as always. i am a strong, independent chick. new york: here i come.

thank you LA. you have given me what i came here for. but, i am ready to leave. you were a fling. now i need the real thing. spoken like a true boy crazy girl....haha.

more to come. xoxo


Anonymous said…
sounds like you have really learned a lot about yourself hil, and you are doing excellent! Excited to get you here in NC!

cheers to adventures, eating, relaxing, and living/experiencing the best life you can!

You have grown and accomplished so much in just one year! :)
Cathy said…
You've come a long way Baby. I'm proud of you!! I won't be here when you return, but we will see each other sometime this fall...maybe a holiday?

Good luck with the move and all that NYC has to offer!

Love, Cathy