Wednesday, December 31, 2008

la la la

can you believe its already december 31st?! its that time of year we reflect back on the past 12 months and think ahead to all the things we want to change, improve, keep the same or just plain appreciate in the coming year. i have not decided on my new years resolution yet.

as i reflect back on the past year, there are obvious lows. some pretty shitty moments. but, you know what, there are some pretty freakin great times too. im happy to be alive, happy, healthy and loved. my heart is full of love from friends and family, and that of a certain boy :) hahaha. we all lost a huge piece of ourselves in 2008...some lost a brother, some lost a son, a friend, a coworker, a husband, uncle, brother-in-law, some lost a dad. the events of 2008 have made me realize how precious life is, how priceless friends and family. how truly loved i am. thank YOU for that. all of you. i mean it, i just cant say it enough :) xoxo

in the meantime, ill work on my resolution and post later... :) loooove you all!! happy new years eve!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

getting inked

as many of you know i have been throwing around the idea of getting a tatoo of dads initials for a while. nothing huge, nothing gaudy, nothing in a really obvious spot...just something for me. i thought, first, the bottom of my foot would be cute...but, umm, im not really ok with being bed ridden for something like that. i mean, i am on my feet all day at work...might pose a problem, haha. ive since thrown around the idea on my upper wrist...behind my ear...side of my foot...etc. i think im leaning toward upper wrist. i usually wear a zillion hair ties and a watch so itll be my little secret. mom mentioned her lower back. i will keep you all posted on final locations :)

at work today, mom told me she wants to do it too. so next week we are thinking about doing it. most likely next saturday...eek!! im pretty sure its going to hurt like a bitch...but i know i can handle it.

ultimate renuion

last night all my fave girls and i reunited in lanc! we all met at mt friend katies house to just hang out, talk, watch movies, and eat cookies.

well, 8 bottles of wine later...!!!!!!!!!!!
haha, needless to say, i didnt get home until 5am...and i am now at work feeling pretty hot. haha, totally just kidding about feeling awesome. but it was the most fun night. and well worth it ;)

i will repost later when i have pictures of all of us, but i was so happy to hang out with everyone last night. it truly felt like no time had passed. though we have always done a good job at keeping in touch with each other, we all share a really unique friendship. we relate to each other like noone else...can make fun of each other like noone else, and can know exactly what we are thinking like noone else. thats pretty special.

at around 12:30 we decided it was a good idea to hit the bars. dear god! we saw pretty much everyone we knew. it was hilarious.

it was time to leave the bar at like 2:15...and the night just couldnt end, right?! haha. so we went to a buds house and continued our marathon night. we finally decided that it was time to go to bed at like 5...i mean, really?!

but, it was so much fun and we are planning another get together...this time in NYC mid january. hats off girls...we still got it :) haha...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

marley and me...and room 12

dammit marley. you made us all cry!!!! haha, of course im talking about marley and me. mom, gamma and i went to see it today. it was cute...but, dear god, so sad. it hit home pretty hard with everything with dad, but also cali (who mom and i put down not long ago). its tough watching owen wilson be so vulnerable and sad without it breaking your heart.

overall it was a great christmas. i got some great presents, and hopefully gave out a couple good ones too!! :)

we started the morning going to hospice. we spent some time hanging out in room 12. they are renovating it so noone was in there. wow. it was heavy. mom had a breakdown. she and i spent some time hugging...just staring at his bed. it was so empty. the 6 days we spent there were some of the longest, weirdest days. that room began feeling so big...our entire world. it felt smaller today...colder, absent. i feel we brought warmth to that room. we both got cold and chills while standing in that room...i pray to god it was dad.

i want to believe that things are going to get better...get easier...get lighter. not in terms of grief (as i will always hold on to him)...i mean it in terms of life. i would like to know that we will always be terms of jobs, a house, love, etc. when dad was sick he promised me that i would never be homeless. he told me he would never let that happen. i know he is my angel...i know he will make sure i am safe...its all i need. im a pretty durable girl...but i think its time we all had a bit easier, no?!

i was talking with another volunteer today about dad and she was sharing stories of her past. she ended the conversation by asking me how old i was. i said 25 (eek!!), and she told me how impressed she was with how i am handling what has happened. she told me i must have been raised well. i told her that there was nothing more true. dad and mom, you did good!! pretty neat compliment. im not one to normally say that (i mean, im not bragging)...but thats a cool compliment to my family too.

but, in the end, it doesnt feel fair. and i cant help but think that. it just isnt fucking fair. i hope there is a hell of a christmas party going on up there!! maybe dad will even stumble after a few glasses of wine and fall back through the clouds and come back down here........

so many thoughts

merry christmas!! we have just a few days left in 2008, and i thought now was a good time to think back to what this past year has brought us. things im thankful for, things i lost, things that inspire me, things i fell in love with...

*family. without you all, i have no idea where i would be. it is thanks to you all (haha, and, well, i guess ill give myself a little credit!!) that i have the energy and confidence to pave my life. to take chances. to take risks. to be rejected, accepted, right and wrong.

*laughter. without it, i would not be a kelley. ha! through so much hurt, i have laughed. it is contageous and has helped others. it has helped me. it is truly the best medicine...even when it seems impossible to find the good in something.

*memories. they can bring on tears, but also they have helped me heal. there are so many times when i feel so fragile, i will look through my journals, pictures, writings, and emails and see just how interesting life is...what i have seen, thought, felt, said, experienced, and believed. i have been through so much in my life...seen so many things, smelled so many things, heard so many things...good, bad and indifferent. what is so magical about life is that at any given moment i can remember events that have helped shape my life. that is truly priceless.

*me. as i get older i am finding out so much about myself. i am learning to be proud of myself. to assert myself. i feel that self-esteem is earned and i work on mine everyday. i am strong. i am confident. i am ambitious. i am my best ally...and toughest critic. but i wouldnt want it any other way. i know how to push myself...and when to back away. i had my first sorta-love-sorta-infatuation this year. i "love" a lot of guys...i mean, i am truly boy crazy...but one came in my life this year that has meant more to me than i ever thought id let. he came into my life in february...our story really began then. whatever happens in the future...i thank him for so much. which leads me to...

*aaron. i know it seems crazy to be thankful for a boy. well, you know what, no it doesnt. cause i truly am thankful for him. he visited lancaster (me) in february (about 2 weeks after dad). he was in town for a few days...we caught up, hung out, etc. it was nothing serious...i mean we talked all night, etc. but there wasnt anything "boyfriendy"...he just hung out. in retrospect, that whole time is a blur...i mean 2 weeks after dad...dear god, im surprised i knew to put on pants to go out! haha. long story short, i feel like he and i have had the closest thing i have ever had to a really serious relationship. these past 10 months have been really fun...visiting LA for him, him coming here countless times, him surprising me for my meeting up in NYC...etc. its been such a trip. so many people have told me how great we are together. strangers call us barbie and ken. weve been called boyfriend and girlfriend by many hotel lobbies. his family loves me. mine loves him. so, if nothing else, i have had a blast meeting a guy i hope is always in my life. my wish for the new year is more of this. i really like this one ;)

*music, movies, this blog, and other forms of entertainment. i mean, sometimes its great to just zone out!! there have been countless times when whatever im doing, puting on a song can change the mood...a fun song if im sad, a cute song if i want to think of dad, etc. movies are the greatest way to leave reality for a few hours. my blog is free therapy. i sent a few entries to a publishing company and got a book offer. while it didnt pan out to what i thought it should, it was kinda cool. so keep you eyes peeled for me to top the bestseller list one day!!

of course i am thankful for many more things. happiness, health, friends, my car, my kitties, love, a job, etc. but i think they were all (even if indirectly) included in my above bullet points. life is pretty damn great. even when its not. i want to thank all my family and friends for just being in my life. you help define my life. i am so proud of us all...everyday. xoxo

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

merry christmas eve day to all!!

i hope everyone is having a fabulous holiday season...despite any and all bad weather you may be facing.

mom and i are working today until 3...hopefully we have another great day of sales. WOO! (though, y ou can all gauge my thoughts from previous posts on that...haha). we are then heading to gammas house to open presents and church at 8pm. (late night for mom!!!)

as for christmas...we are volunteering at hospice for a few hours, then going to a movie with gamma. she wants to see marley and me. im totally not into that, but its christmas, and if going to see it would make gamma happy, im happy to oblige. then back to the grind on friday! (um, and hopefully getting our paychecks...a week late)...but ill keep you posted.

what about you all...are you all excited about everything?? how is your day going??
i love you all so much and am thinking about how special my family and friends are.
thank you for being in my all are a part of me and i am so thankful!! xoxo

Sunday, December 21, 2008

its my blog and ill bitch if i want to

i try to not really be much of a "bitcher". i try to find the good in things. really, i do. but im struggling right now with a few things.

is it too much to ask that a boy that i like, like me back. i mean genuinely like me back. ask me how im doing every once in a while, just text to say hello. simple, stupid, yet cute things. apparently, the answer is a resounding YES. wayyyy to much. i cant do it anymore. i cant send care packages, texts, cards or anything else if i never get anything back. and im not a stalker...these things were for thank-yous, holidays and birthdays. (and approved by family and friends...i mean, i know it sounds like i went overboard but i really didnt...swear!!!). i didnt do any of these things so that i got anything in return...its just that i feel a bit like it all went to waste. sad.

if you own a business you need to pay your employees every 2 weeks. this is not up for discussion. im sorry. i have bills, and landlords and bill collectors dont appreciate "oh im sorry i cant pay this month, i didnt get my paycheck"...yea, doesnt fly. so, really, i need a paycheck...every two weeks. or i need to quit. this is the second time (out of two times) we have gotten paid wayyyy late. UGH!

can my skin please clear up?! its really pissing me off. im trying everything i can...good god!

im sure i can think of more things i could bitch about, but im starting to annoy myself :) haha. and getting a little bummed about the boy thing (i have a one track mind i swear). but i really liked this one...theres gotta be a boy out there that will like me as much as i like him. i mean, there are like 2 billion people in the world right?! i can list about 1 billion ive liked at one point or another, ha!! i think maybe ill just become a nun. (i said this the other day, and a great friend of mine told me id be kicked out before i even became part of the convent)...theres someone that truly knows me! haha. but yea, just a little sad, frusterated and low about it. i thought we made a good match...think hes just not that into it. god damn it.

dear dad

i was in bed last night thinking about my dad. i thought it would be cute to write him a letter.

dear dad,
it is december 21...and cold as shit outside. i miss having another person around that refuses to fully embrace toes shoes, capri pants...yep, i am rocking it. noone understands quite like you...haha.

its the perfect time of year for you and i to grab venti coffees from starbucks and blueberry muffins and sit and chat about everything. i miss our political conversations (god, i always felt so smart being able to talk to you about real life things...i felt so powerful debating with you), read the NY times, talk about boys, read the comics, share life stories, tell you all about the boys i love, like or hate...go shopping-ish, go running, and just sit and talk to you. (haha, i just noticed how i mentioned boys twice...HAHA!!!).

i wish i could watch you open my christmas presents this year...and spoil you with snickers bars and peanut M&Ms. id love to get a glass of wine with you...and go for an after dinner walk. i want to huff and puff my way through a run with you, and maybe even plan our next half-marathon. i want to do errands with you and blast the backstreet were ALWAYS such a sport. we could have more of our father-daughter movie date nights. god, i loved those.

there is so much more i want to write to you. i have more respect and honor in you being my dad, friend, hero and idol than you will ever know. your life was taken WAYYYY before your time. you are my so much of my heart, strength, and zest for life. i hope i continue to make you proud and live life in your honor. i love you. i am so proud to be a kelley...thank you for everything you have done for me, and all that you continue to do. xoxo

ps...i hope you and your dad are up there getting a kick out of us trying to live our lives the best we can. i hope we bring a smile to your face everyday. i hope you are still running, still laughing, still working your ass off...basically, doing all the things you love. i hope youre eating lasagna, french fries and grilled cheeses. i hope youre drinking wine, and having fun. i hope you miss us. i hope you are proud of what you see. i hope youre warm, happy, and healthy. i hope you have everything you deserve. i want you back. we all do. we will never be the same. we will always be a bit empty. i hope all my chatting to you and praying isnt annoying (haha ;))...i hope you know how much we miss you and how much we love you. youre the best dad...i hope you see us and feel us everyday :) i hope.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

the brick is in place!

hi all!
drew came to visit us at the store today, and we were able to jet out and see the brick we had made at hospice for dad. its in the most perfect spot...right outside room 12 (his room) beside the octangular covering. mom was soo soo happy to see that its in a good spot. I LOVE YOU DADDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo

can you believe Christmas is in 5 days?! im really looking forward to volunteering at hospice. its funny, even now when an ambulance passes me i cant help but be reminded of the day i rode with dad to hospice. it may be naive, but i didnt think that that was it. i thought we were going to stabilize him, and head home. not even close.

i welcome any and all memories of dad. though some bring me to tears...i truly think they are happy tears. tears in response to how much of a HUGE part of my life he is, was and always will be. i think about him and talk to him everyday. i know he is proud of me. i just wish he was able to physically hug me, kiss me, give me advice, run with me, go to movies, and grab a drink. what scares me is that i will never find a guy that is good enough. i dont know that i will be able to find a guy like dad, or drew. i just dont know...

i do a lot of thinking these days. about how fragile life is. but how miraculous a ride it is as well. how important it is to tell those you love just that, and not let the madness of reality get the better of you. to not allow jerks, and moody people affect you. they do not deserve it. but also, im learning not to allow guys who bring me down to remain in my life. at least not waste time and energy on them. friends...sure. any more of myself...not a chance. i find that i dont have patience for stupid shit. for grudges. my job is not to please everyone all the time (thank you for that advice daddio!!!). i am me, you are you. lets just be happy with life :)

i want to say i love you to all my family and friends. you make me realize how lucky and loved i am. i hope i do the same for you. you fullfil my life in ways that i only dreamt possible. i wish nothing but happiness, health and positivity in the new year! lets continue to join together and have the best 2009. 2008 was a fucking hell of a year. but without all of you, it would not have been possible to understand any of it. i am so proud to know you. and have you on my team. i know my dad is smiling at all of us. thank you. i love you. xoxo

please keep in mind, the lettering rules for the brick were extremely rigid. haha.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


thaaaank you aunt cori (and crew) for the christmas card!! SO CUTE!!

it was funny though, as until i read the back of the card (so sweet) i forgot you all read this blog! haha. i forgot that friends and family can see this. that made me realize that, A) i need to update lots more and B) gave me a great laugh that all my dorkness is shared by all that i love

i love you guys sooooo much! hope everyone is good, and everyone is getting ready for christmas! xoxoxo

so much to say

i feel like its been a while since i wrote about anything of substance...things that realy fill you all in on my life.

well, its tuesday. its a shitty day outside. how can it be so wonderful one day, and 12 hours later be so miserable? good grief! well, it IS december 16th afterall. haha. and really, im happy, loving life, and this is such a fun time of year. i can suck it up and find the good in scraping the ice off my car...walking to my car down the street in the pouring rain...going nymb as i change lights outside of azura. life is funny, and these are the moments that i think mold us into good characters. (and i will learn to wear gloves, a coat and long pants one day. ehh, actually, thats a lie. i totally wont). hell, my dad never did. :)

one magazine azura has signed on to advertise with is called "fine living". the first issue we will be featured in comes out first thing february (you know with all those pesky deadlines and being far ahead, january is being worked on now) we are throwing around ideas for the shoot. its going to be a music theme...models rocking out with guitars and the issue is honoring an F&M music teacher i believe...that, and the new music theater downtown. best part?! guess who is going to be the model? yours truly!!! haha, what a riot, right?! i think itll be hilarious...quite frankly, im quite nervous. we will be getting hair and makeup.

*note: its freaking snowing outrageously right now!!!!!!!!! GRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (heyyy, at least our heat works, right?!?!)

so i will keep you updated on all things hilary throughout the week. my biggest hope is that sales continue...hopefully, getting better too!!!! the photo shoot is happening within the next week, so ill post that too! we are planning a fashion show for february so we are busy doing that as well.

ohh and lastly, im getting my hair done tomorrow and am dreaming of the perfect thing i want to do, but what the hell is that?! i just dont know what to do with it! my mom just got hers done yesterday...went "really blonde". haha, it was cute...i teased her a little...i mean, she was always "really blonde". her hair looks awesome...and it IS...super blonde :) haha. but you know how you go in wanting the perfect shade, highlight, cut, added colors, etc. but really, at the end of the day, what is that?! i just hope i can figure it out :) haha. i loooove my hair dresser, and she knows me and my head so i have no doubt itll be great.

ok, back to work!!! more later! :)

Monday, December 15, 2008

just another manic monday

wow. my body hated me this morning. it was SO hard to get my ass out of bed. after going out throughout the week and getting little sleep both weekend nights (getting home past 3 AM and needing to be up and ready to be alive and working by 12) i was a little slow today. i am really starting to find working 7 days a week is not humorous at all. but thats ok, the kelley girls are realllllllllllllllllllllllllly good at being happy, strong and we will be fine.

this weekend was so fun. we went to all different bars, had way to much to drink, and flirted with all sorts of boys. pretty fun little life. haha. just kidding.

i have a new crush! hope i get some pictures soon so i can share him with you. but i love being boy crazy...keeps me young, and happy.

k, back to work! xoxo

Sunday, December 14, 2008

hey, its OK! love candy canes, its a wonderful life, gingerbread lattes and all that other shamelessly seasonal stuff. consider spanx pants an exercise plan. leave it for somebody else to clean up (for once)

...if you always have to peek at the person next to you at dinner parties to remember which fork to use first ask every one of your friends for advice, and then do the opposite think plain old condoms are perfectly fine. so what if they dont glow in the dark or smell like strawberries never fantasise about being a lady who lunches. its much more fun to be a woman who lives

...if you kind of liked your presents before they were unwrapped. (saying so? NOT OK!!)

10 reasons being perfect is overrated

*when you finally find a guy who's thoughtful enough to pick up his socks, he'll make you pick up yours too.

*avoiding chipped fingernails means no gardening, no pistachio eating, no "heart and soul" playing. not worth it!

*nobody interesting has neat hangwriting.

*well, its exhausting.

*have you seen the venus de milo? awe-inspiring-and yet, missing two arms.

*your being a size 4 wont make him better in bed.

*every happy family has a pathelogical liar arsenist cousin who owes them $2000. or some such.

*mutts are just the cutest.

*breast implants need replacing every 10 years or so. just FYI.

*if you act like a perfect professional all the time, no one will talk to you at the office holiday party.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

special visitors

drew and rachel came to lanc today!
it was soooooo fun having them in the store. i am pretty much obsessed with the two of them.

i feel really safe and happy when i am with them, near them, or talking to them. they make me thanks guys!!! :) xoxo

ok, well back to work...but i love you guys!!!! SO MUCH!!!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

im tellin' ya...i have helped quite a few shoppers that have just left me baffled, or cracking up, or awkward, or just plain pissed off. its amazing how different people are. how people act in everyday certain people have manners and others dont, and the utter lack of knowledge people have in regards to hiding the fact that they are rude, ignorant and pissy.

look, bucko...i had a rough night last night too. i didnt sleep well. im pissed off. i have to go to the bathroom. im stressed about the economy too...i may not make rent. i have to clean my apt. i need to go buy cat food and vacuum. but i wont act like that to you. all you should know about me is that i am happy, working hard, and will do anything to make your shopping experience wonderful. so, please, do the same for me. dont throw a pile of clothes on the floor. dont demand anything...simply request it. please, thank you, and a smile are all free but are universally appreciated.

it is my job to help you, and, believe me, i want to. i want you to look beautiful or find something for a loved one to do the same. i want to make you happy, and smile, and boost your confidence. i want you to find something that takes your breath away, that surprises even you. all of that makes me happy. but you need to work with me. we are on the same team.

that said, happy shopping! haha :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

hey, its OK!

ok like ive said before, i totally love these posts! this one especially grabbed me...i can totally relate!! really want to get married super-duper bad. discover all your new music courtesy of the hills. secretly hope that your exes consider you the one that got away. find the word "panties" totally creepy. take a quick YouTube break at work. A sneezing panda can really clear the head. buy it without trying it on-especially if you are wearing more layers than a piece of baklava. laugh inappropriately every time Maury says, "Billy are the father" wish you came equipped with guy GPS. ("Turn left at the next man to avoid heartbreak. Recalculatin!)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

light up a life

just got home from the "light up a life" ceremony at hospice. it was beautiful...but freeeeeeeeeeezing. it was held outside...and it is just so crazy cold. but i channeled my inner John Kelley and kept it tough. haha.

there were a few songs, and then the best part...they lit up a dozen or so trees. it was a cute moment. we walked around the trees...and then tried our darnedest to find dads brick. little dark though, haha. i cant wait to see it!!

we were given a program that listed all the names honored over this past year. its so crazy...if i see his picture or name i lose it. i can keep it strong if i need to, unless i do either one of those. oh geez. we got pins too. cute little memento.

well, dad. youre now officially shining out there for the world to see!! (granted, i think you shine all the time...but even more now!!! :) :) :)). thinking about my dad makes me happy and feel special. i want him back so bad. they had a speaker say a few words tonight...he spoke psalm 23...dads favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its been a busy week with all these ceremonies...and it feels soooo good. were really looking forward to spending christmas at hospice. i cant think of a better place to be :)

twas the night to remember...

last night my mom and i went to the candle ceremony at the snyder funeral home. its a yearly ceremony they put on to honor those lives lost this past year. they mentioned this year saw 541 lives lost. its a rather short deal...a few songs, the lighting of a candle, and a prayer. its sweet...and not too drawn out. (you know how sometimes these things can be a bit of a production, and lose their purpose and feeling)

but i have to say, it cracks me up...i go to these things with the best of intentions of keeping it together and just putting up a little front of strength. it was a simple setup of flowers with the speakers off to the side so we could all watch a video of the pictures of the lives lost this past year. the video flashed either the name or the name with a picture. wellll, as you can imagine, as soon as i saw dad i cried. not in that over-the-top manner but into my tissue. good grief!!!! and so as the night progressed i just felt weaker and weaker and lost my ability to reel it in! haha. i didnt get overly annoyingly sad, as i was in public afterall, but definitely affected. we were fortunate enough to see his picture flash twice...such a happy, sweet picture.

ive had a lot of reflective moments recently. ive really had some downer at a point where i could really use my dads advice. with jobs, boys, and being a girl. but more on alll those thoughts later :)

tonight is the ceremony at hospice. mom and i are both really excited...i cant wait to fill you all in on how it goes. the best part!? im finally going to get to see his brick laid out!!!!!!! ohhhh, itll be so special. and tonight i will be bringing a box-o-tissues!! haha. xoxo

Monday, December 1, 2008

john kelley...err, gary?!

so there is this guy that runs around drew and rachels area that apparently (upon hearing from them) has an uncanny resemblance to dad. his running style, his apparel, and chiseled face all resemble dad. (i cant wait to see him!!!!).

being dorky, rachel and i have these conversations where we dissect how we think it is totally dad just keeping his eye on us...little does gary know that my dad has taken over his body, haha. welllll, the other day, he stopped rachel randomly to introduce himself. no reason at all. just saw her walking emmitt and decided to say hello. totally crazy!?? i mean, noone does that. he even took off his glove and shook her hand.

and gary...4 letters. john...4 letters. i told you, dissect everything! soo, either i want rachel and drew to take a picture (haha, stealth mode...cant let him see!!!) or i want to see him. its totally funny and makes me smile thinking that dad is still roaming around. god bless him, hes still his normal attire. god love him!! xoxo