its official!

im engaged! haha just kidding. that will be a fun announcement though, huh?!

haha ok, but really, i have a move date. i will be leaving LA and returning to my roots august 26th. just in time for one of the best parties of the summer: alis engagement party!

i cant believe this year has come full circle. although drew and i will not be ending the year by running the san fran half marathon this year, we are planning to run one in north carolina in november. (and if you can believe it, there is a half marathon in lancaster called the "amish country half" that i kinda want to check out. not sure of the crowd on that one....haha, ill stop my judging here. :)

anyway, the LA to NYC is on. officially 37 days and counting......

its dads birthday in one week. thats hard. i really find it so strange that he is no longer here. it is definitely something that i am always going to struggle with. death is something that is so beyond my thinking. i remember dad always struggling with how he felt about religion seeing as there is no way to prove there is a god, heaven, hell, etc. its all belief. im a lot like that. the world tells me he is dead, but as my dad, he is always here. i refuse to ever say out loud the word "dead". i dont like it. its too hard. i look at pictures, i talk about him out loud, i remember my childhood...he was always there. he helped get me through puberty, boys, and college. he helped me survive moving to arizona, passing my drivers test, getting my period and failing my first and only class. he helped me realize my potential, helped me move to my first big city for my first big job out of school and even some funny dates. he and mom were both instrumental in me becoming me. i know that never goes away and i am finally realizing that my friends and family want to help me continue to grow and live life. i dont need to run away anymore. i dont need to prove that i can do it on my own. (fleeing to LA and finding a job, apt, and life on my own was something that i needed to do for me). i feel like i was having delayed onset grief. my way of dealing was to say "fuck you" to the world. i now understand myself better, and finally get what ali has been telling me..."hil, when you struggle, i struggle. when im sad, youre sad. as best friends we all go through things together. youre supposed to share all that with me...let me share the burden". for so long i felt like i had to do it all alone, as though i had something to prove. i dont. the funny thing is, my family and friends love me as is. (i know, theyre crazy!) haha.

its funny....growing up, i mean. you learn all these things, you struggle, you succeed, you make money and lose it. you laugh, you cry and get pissed. its all worth it. all of it.

thank you to those that have continued to be my rocks. i have had a very odd, fulfilling, crazy, annoying, hilarious, fun, few years. its knowing that i have all of you that has made it possible. (especially you mom)

Comments

Popular Posts