Tuesday, October 27, 2009

dad? is that you?

as many of you know, i spent the weekend fending off the flu. i did nothing but lay around all day, and cook myself cozy little meals. (which by the way, were delicious). i proved how much i can cook!

as a side effect to being so sick, i tried to sleep as much as i could. throughout the nights, i kept getting wiffs of "that smell". for those of you who have been with me throughout this blog, you know what smell i am referring to. its the smell of dad in the hospice room. its the smell that lingered days after he was gone. its the smell that i will carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that reminds me so vividly what we went through, and what i never want to experience again.

its actually pretty weird. this smell is something that is so vivid, so pungent, so unique to this time in my life. i pretty much think that either dad was with me throughout the nights, or so was death. i guess both, considering its dads smell, and it stemmed from his body at a time when shit was being ravaged and our lives were ransacked. i hope i dont die...i hope its not that. i hope it was dad. i hope he was there, aiding me through my time of need. he knew mom couldnt physically be there, so he was  :)

things have felt pretty heavy, i will be honest. i think im getting over my cold, but some depression and sadness has made itself a nice little home. mom and i have had some crazy, therapeutic calls filled with tears, sobs, laughter, confusion and love. mom and i dont sensor each other, we dont sugar coat. we are each others rock, but also puddle. you wanna swear, cry, laugh at anything?! you call me, and lets yell it out! thats what we do.

but were sad. life without dad its pretty fucking un-kelley-like. i miss his advice, his emails, and god dammit, i miss calling him at work and laughing with his secretary that hes busy and cant get the phone. i miss him hugging and kissing me, and letting me know that life will be ok. now, how are we supposed to know?! who is going to be the big poppa for us?! this isnt fair...and not only that, it doesnt make sense. it doesnt FUCKING make sense.

life is definitely interesting. sometimes great, sometimes not. my dad should be a part of it. i had a lot of time to think about things while i was laying around. i thought a lot about dad, and i kept reliving all these amazingly funny memories of our lives. i remember his face, his voice, and loving him so much. i see a lot of me in him, i want to live up to that. i want to be like him. those are some big shoes, i know. but im his daughter...so, if i aim for the stars, at least ill fly knowing that i am a kelley.

i know dad was with me. i smelled him. and mom, you know, that smell is not something you can imagine. it as real. 2 days. i think thats the reason we are all so emotional too. his spirit is around...letting us know he is ok.

we love you dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
come visit anytime, all the time! i am happy to smell you! :)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

being a kid was the best

a bunch of us were reminiscing about our childhoods today. we agreed that we grew up with some pretty incredible tv shows, dolls, toys, parents and sports. we had some of the best cartoons and movies. it was so fun (and funny) remembering all of our favorites.

not to mention all the fun things you get to do without really thinking about it. all those soccer tournaments we played in...i definitely wasnt thinking about how hard it would be for my parents to give up their weekend. or driving me to school. going to amusements parks. cooking dinner every night. my god parents are amazing, arent they?! thats not to say that being a kid is easy as pie, but if you had parents like mine, it was pretty phenomenal. and my friends: we were, and still are, a stellar bunch :)

more thoughts to come tomorrow, but id like to think the best is still yet to come. i like to be in the moment...sure, being a kid was fun. but  being an adult has its perks too :) hope there are tons more life lessons and good things to come!!

lets publish this baby!

i have some fun news!
i am not one to usually talk about things like this for fear that i come off too into myself.
however, this one is pretty exciting.

i entered my book into a lotus bookworks contest, and it got chosen to move on to the next round!! if you know anything about me, you  know how precious this book is to me. its a huge passion of mine to get this baby published...i have a freakin dad to honor here!!

just wanted to share. i know it doesnt mean it won or anything remotely close, but its fun to think other people will get to look at it/read it/maybe want to publish it :)

keep those fingers crossed!!! (please). and maybe, for good measure, toes too!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

my 200th post!

can you believe it!!! bloggie is 200 posts old!! wow! i have LOVED every minute of blogging. my rants arent always happy-go-lucky but the underlying therapy and bigger picture are. what this blog has given me is an outlet to put my thoughts on "paper". the added bonus is that i am able to share my life with friends and family, despite being so far away from some of you.

so, here it is...monday again. i didnt sleep a wink last night. i wanted to fall asleep so bad. i think there was so much going on in my head...sometimes i just cant turn it off. i blame aaron. haha. in this case its a good kind of blame. he got me so excited about hanging out that i think i was riled up. doesnt take much :) haha!!

got a bit of ADD here, so this post is to be continued :)...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

whats up dad!

as many of you know, i often talk to my dad. its usually at night, when i am alone, or before bed. that, or with mom and drew, and we are chatting to him/about him. it had been a pretty hectic week last week, and i found myself talking to him on my way home one night. i was caught in yet another LA freeway traffic jam.

and you know what. i teared up talking to him. as i talked to him, i felt like he was with me. i got all sappy and teary. i find that i am struggling with the dichotomy of loving life, and feeling like "what the fuck is the point"

here is a fucking class act, a thundering example of stellar athlete, father, son, brother, husband and friend. he was gorgeous, ambitious and ungodly amazing. he was a mentor. he was strong. he was all these things and so much more, yet he is gone. what chance does that give the rest of us.

so, i will forever struggle with this. and i will continue to talk to my dad. i will continue to live with his spirit around me at all times. i will do my best. but i will be vulnerable. and confused. and i cant promise that i will ever understand it.

haha, i can just imagine him up there thinking "ohh man, hil, im trying to watch the game"!
haha, just kidding. he was the best. what the hell happened?!??! im in a dream. sundays are for sure the worst...the worlds lazy day. its definitely a tough one to get through.

on that note, i am going to go watch some tv and chill before another week. dad, we'll talk soon :) (haha, about an hour?!) 

Friday, October 16, 2009

one of lifes simple pleasures

one of the coolest things i notice in life is seeing an older gentlemen and women holding hands. or laughing together. out to a movie, at the mall, or just drinking coffee. can you imagine the life they have lived together? they were lucky enough to find each other, and even luckier to want to work hard to make it last.

i have fallen more in love with this since the loss of my father. i am intrigued by older men, and often picture my dad at that age. i project my parents onto older couples in my head...it brings me happiness and i love to think how they would be.

that, and i wonder, too, if that will ever be me. but i digress. me and boys...hehe.

i think being married is somewhat of a dying art form, but i dont think its gone. i think we sometimes get lazy. love is pretty cool (from what little i know of it). i know how hard relationships are...complicate that with kids and life and man, its a wonder any of them last. but my family has provided me with the best examples. all of my family. BUT, i sometimes wonder if i am going to be like my grandfather. hes pretty happy, and we have pretty similar styles...in that we dont need/want to get attached to things too much. were pretty independent and act like "love 'em and leave 'em types). i have exceptions to this rule, but i dont know...it does seem i have followed in his path thus far. HAHA...mom, i can just see your face right now :) 

Thursday, October 15, 2009

yea...thats about right

running a marathon is definitely on my life to-do list. but i have to admit, it conjures up the exact same thoughts as the chicken. i mean 26.2 miles really is crazy. but good crazy. i-want-to-do-it crazy. as soon as life calms down a bit (yea i know itll never happen), drew and i are planning to run one. i cant think of a better running partner...can you drew?! haha...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

this is absolutely what i believe

i was reading this magazine the other night, and read this quote from jessica capshaw. granted, its not so much who it came from, but the quote itself. she shared a quote from her mom that always kept things in perspective for her: "a person builds a life and then goes off and does a job. hopefully you enjoy that job - but it cant become your life, which is about family, friends and things that are permanent"

yep, thats pretty much how i think. its my motto as well. just cool to know others feel the same way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

lemon, lime and all that jazz

yea, that title means nothing. im feeling super random, bored, giddy...and that title just felt like it summed it up. we are having another gross day here. (not that i can see it, we dont have a window in our office)...but my ride here was rainy and cold. welcome to california!

it actually makes me think of home. ive been thinking about a lot of things recently. i constantly think about dad, and how similar he and i are/were. though an extremely friendly guy, he was pretty independent. he enjoyed his space. thats me. he liked certain foods, liked to run, liked to do things his way. he was easy to get along with, and definitely more than happy to lend a hand, but like me, liked his life his way...and doing it his way. thats me.

i love to have a good time, i love to travel, i love to go to new places and try new things, but i also really love to be type-A. i love lists. in fact, i make them for everything. i love to schedule. i love to plan. im a weird dichotomy. i get it :) its definitely not lost on me.

i refuse to make apologies for bullshit. i wont put up with it (to an extent). i live for my family and friends (and me!). if you dont like me, piss off. if you dont like my friends, piss off. i dont live to make sure everyone likes me (it would be great, of course...but unfortunately, its never going to happen). my dad taught me so many great life lessons that i continue to live by. that is one. i wont treat you like a bitch and gossip about you to make myself feel better. you may do it to me, but i wont to you. my damn conscience wont let me. i will bust my ass for you...if it turns out that you burn me, or something of the sort, youre on your own.

granted, i could go on and on about all that. basically, i realize this. i have truly incredible people in my life. people that would die for me. people i would die for. people that make me laugh and cry and feel good, and special. people that make me want to be a better person (but come on, this cant get better! haha just kidding). i dont have room for anything less. thats basically it. life is too short to be surrounded by energy-suckers.

team kelley, baby :)
(ps, drew, i totally see you rolling your eyes!) haha......

Monday, October 12, 2009

new york state of mind

...and shes off! momma kelley is heading to nyc tomorrow :) i cant think of anyhere id rather be than on that train, heading to see, not only the city, but ali! and stern! and katie! and so many others! guys, im there in spirit!! :)

this is such a pretty time of year back home. all the colors and crispness. the warmth of the heat inside. fires. throwing on a nice, thick fleece and sitting inside on the couch. i really love it. (to a point...its that damn -30 degrees and soon-to-be-winter freezingness i hate).

its chilly here in cali right now, so i feel a little bit like im experiencing "fall". im not getting the full effect of the leaves changing colors, or the way i would feel with my mom near me. but i wont waste time on the blog being a baby about it.

on a side note, congrats to drew for living his first week in north carolina. fingers crossed they get the house they want...more updates to come!!

happy monday everybody!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

a new twist on boxed wine

if you are like me, when you think of boxed wine, you think of your college years. it reminds me of the years i spent in tucson, slumming it with boxed wine and mickeys 40s. they were fabulous times. truly fabulous. and i have more than enough memories of good friends and i waking up to boxes and bottles all over our apartment :) we thought we were cool. and we were, of course ;)
we just drank ona  budget. "2 buck chuck" was a best friend too.

now, at age 25, i am no better at classy drinking. sure, ive gone to swanky bars in new york, LA, lancaster and philly, and drank $20/glass wine with dinner or during nights out. ive even been schooled by my uber-classy grandfather on the art of really drinking red wine. really appreciating it. but, more often than not, we buy whatever wine is on special, or at least under $12. we snag the cheaper wines, the cheaper beers, and get whatever is on tap at the bar. 

i think its cool to have experienced all sorts of types of drinking. i like good wine, i like good vodka. but, sometimes, i just like a good time :) haha.

all this brings me to my discovery. target sells boxed wine...quality boxed wine. you read that correctly. this is no oxymoron. the boxed wines you will find at target include pinot grigio, merlot, sauvignon blanc, just to name a few. and the boxes are beautiful. i know i know, that doesnt matter...its whats inside that counts. whatever...thats a lie. 

so, get yourself to target, and experience the classed up boxed wine that i so excitedly discovered today. so much so that i had to share a picture! haha. lets toast to it!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

becoming my dad

here i am, at work on a saturday morning. what happened here. haha just kidding.

i think hed be proud. or, at the very least, sympathetic of the fact that spending saturday morning at work may not be exactly what i want to be doing. 

anyway, have a great weekend everybody! :)

Friday, October 9, 2009

welcome to foodbuzz!

i created a profile on foodbuzz (mom and i are creating a cookbook afterall), and am trying to grow my blog!

i want to grow this blog baby of mine, and incorporate new things. i think product reviews, fun recipe ideas, other random thoughts i have, events, movies, and all things "life" will be addressed! thanks ahead of time for keeping  up with me :)

check me out: http://www.foodbuzz.com/foodies/profile/hilarmy

cute overload

in a bid to make my blog adorbs, i came across this site: http://cuteoverload.com/

it immediately stopped me in my tracks. i mean, how cuuuuuuute is this site!
its name is perfect ;) haha.

so, bear with my while i try and figure out how/what/when im updating my blog.
i have so many ideas, its hard for me to rein in the ADD and focus :)

happy friday all, happy friday!!

10 little lies women tell each other

  • sure, you should totally get a third cat!
  • im glad he went for you. im not that into italian soccer players
  • honey, thats just water weight - itll come right off as soon as you have the baby
  • this was really fun. i love a good closet clean-out
  • of course you and your boyfriend can stay with me for a week. ill just sleep on the couch - its no problem
  • nah, i dont really want dessert either
  • bethenny who? i dont even watch that show
  • no, no, yours is much mpre tasteful than the typical tramp stamp
  • i know hes bad for me, and i promise i am so over him
  • you went with plaid walls! nice!

isnt this just the perfect little blog post to make you smile, laugh and destress on a friday? yes? then i have done my job :) tgif, baby!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


The "footwork for CJD" memorial walk is super exciting. While I wont be able to make it this year, as already explained, I want you all to have the most up-to-date information since I think this is an amazing event, and one that I feel so fueled to want to grow!! Please follow Nikki at her blog: http://cjdhope.blogspot.com

Despite not being able to attend the event, I am still going to do my best to raise money.
So, if you, or anyone you know, would like to help donate your time or money, please let me know. You can donate directly to the CJD foundation, at http://www.cjdfoundation.org, or directly through Nikki (send her an email and let her know you got her email address from my blog curecjd@gmail.com)
...that way she doesnt think shes getting weird spam :)

You can also send any donations through facebook: John Kelley has a page, as well as this event.

Thank you, in advance, for all your support and faith in this. I am so proud to be a part of this cause. Hopefully this will only get bigger, better and more successful!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Footwork for CJD 2009

its that time again!!
i got the email letting me know about this years event.

even though i wont be able to attend this year, as its in west virginia, i am obsessed with all things CJD and wanted to let you know about this. i have requested that this event become national so that i can help run/start/whatever a branch here in california. i will keep you posted on that! :)

for those of you on facebook, join the event "footwork for cjd 2009" to show your support, and friend nikki bland (morgantown, wv network).

im going to try to raise some money for this, so if we all band together, i think wed do great!
what do ya say?? LETS DO IT!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

22 thoughts we have every single working day

6:30 am: go to the gym? id rather die. hit snooze.

7:30 am: i really should have gone to the gym. tomorrow i will go.

8:15 am: uh-oh, did i wear this outfit two days ago?

8:16 am: oh no! ive run out of febreeze.

8:25 am: right, so your bag needs to sit down more than me? note my death stare.

8:31 am: damn, hes caught me looking again.

8:45 am: i just want a latte. stop confusing me with the choices of sizes, flavored shots, and variations of foam...

8:55 am: oh no, its the old "trapped in the lift with the boss" trauma. proceed to boring chat about the weather.

8:57 am: must master the art of small talk. career depends on it.

9:03 am: morning papers. same thing every day, wait - red wine is definitely good for you! result!

10:30 am: i want lunch now.

11:15 am: shit, shit, shit, totally forgot the boss wanted that report by 12. ill tell her its totally ready.

11:45 am: i suppose i better get off facebook and write the damn report.

1:00 pm: seriously, is there anything better in life than a grilled cheese?

4:40 pm: gah. afternoon slump. injection of chocolate urgently needed.

5:45 pm: thank heavens for make-up. and oil sheets. otherwise id be a mess.

7:30 pm: a starter, pasta, garlic bread and an enormous dessert. ah well, ill go to the gym tomorrow. definitely.

9:00 pm: i will leave the bar now.

10:30 pm: cant they invent a gadget that wipes your make-up off for you while you sleep? and brushes your teeth, perhaps?

11:oo pm: wish tomorrow was saturday.

yep, this is all about right ;)

how normal are your morals?

i was perusing this months UK cosmo...and came across this little snippet. i thought it was pretty funny, and am more than happy to share it with you all :) have fun seeing where you fit.

8 'weird' things that are very, very normal:

1. supermarket grazing. those who eat items in the aisles without declaring them at the checkout (i am guilty of this...right mom and dad?!)

2. selling our souls. almost half of us would sell a celeb kiss-n-tell story to the tabloids. (ABSOLUTELY!)

3. suffering from price amnesia. one in four women dont tell their partner the true cost of new shoes. meanwhile, one in five go the extra mile and rip up the receipt or credit card statement.

4. fibbing to preserve our integrity. 45% of women reduce the real number of notches on their bedpost for fear of being labelled promiscuous. a shameful 29% of men up their figure to impress friends.

5. recycling gifts. a whopping 78% of women have no qualms about passing off a second-hand gift as a new one. (not weird. sometimes i think my friends would love something i wont. its smart!)

6. saying "i do" - but for richer, not poorer. an honest 38% of singletons would marry a man based simply on his bank account. (this is funny to joke about, not really do. come on girls!)

7. checking his inbox. 28% of women would read their partners emails.

8. wondering if it really was his boss who just called. an incredible 66% of us sneak a peek at his mobiel when hes out of the room.

there are so many other things that we could have fun talking about here too. so many things!
but its fun to see where you stand. sometimes in life you gotta be immoral :) haha....

Monday, October 5, 2009

hey its ok...

...to be secretly relieved when its not sunny, because you can justify staying in bed.

...to only know which bars you frequented last saturday night after they appear on your bank statement

...if your five-year-old cookery book has never been opened

...to have more make-up in your desk drawer than on your dressing table

...if you dont want to go on that blind date. sofa + twilight + giant bag of kettle chips = so much easier

...to make him carry your bags even though they arent that heavy

...if you turn out the lights and keep schtum when you hear, "trick or treat!" at the front door

...to not want to lend your flaky friend your favorite top.

...if you have an irrational fear of being crushed by the ticket barriers at the train station

...to re-apply your lipgloss when someone pulls out a camera, but still act 'candid'

Thursday, October 1, 2009

happy october!

woke up this morning and realized its october 1st. wow. what the hell happened to summer?
y'all are going to think im nuts for saying this, but hear with me. ive dealt with ridiculous heat since i have been here (mom will attest), and its FINALLY cooling a bit at night. its not cold. duh. not even remotely considered fall (to anyone that has ever lived through a real fall day), but i can finally sit in my apartment and not feel like im going to pass the fuck out. there are even times during the night that i pull the covers on. yea! i know! its exciting!

im still not totally used to the fact that i call LA home. its so weird when i write check or letters and write my return address. im like, what?! feels ok though...knowing a lot of people i look up to and love have lived in LA and have been very successful. yea...thats the path i want to be on. or am on. i dont know yet.

what sometimes helps me get back into a feel good head space is listening to a song that brings me back to a certain memory, or just one that i really like. pictures are always fun to look through (even when they can be very, very sad). blogging. that always clears up some head space. zoning out to TV. even bad TV. daydreaming of my future business plan with mom :)

im pretty good at keeping my head above water. not to say that im not super sad at times. i am. but sometimes i dont have the luxury to cry or hurt. and i figure my energy is better put toward remembering dad and his life, mom and our hourly hilarity, and so much more. theres so much to be happy about...and i want to spend more time on that. there is always going to be a part of me that is pissed off about losing something more precious than my own life. im always going to be pissed that we were robbed. and dammit, im going to be pissed that i cant hug, kiss, laugh with, shop for, email to, call, text, and run with the most amazing man i ever knew. we will be reunited one day. and until then, mom, you and i need to do IT! it. business. life. all of it.

team kelley. i am more proud of my name than anything else. and thats something noone can ever take away.