Friday, July 29, 2011

the weekend of september 30 might actually kill me

last night katie, ali and i went to a movie on the water (outdoor movie screen on the water) and while snacking on the most delicious popcorn, candy and chocolate we talked about doing the down and dirt mud run 10K

i am moving September 30/October 1
i am running a 10K mud run October st2nd

2 things that very much need their own weekend. im doing it at once. i am a girl of extremes.

i am running it with a few besties. theres a chance we might die. going down smelling like mud and being covered in sweat is exactly how id like to go out.

Monday, July 25, 2011

the big guy has a birthday tomorrow

its like clockwork...grief, i mean. you find yourself experiencing times where the heaviness of what you have lost doesnt seem to be the focus of your thoughts. other times you find tears are a mere word, though, memory or pictre away. grief is a funny thing. it cant be cured, and it cant be stopped. if i am being optimistic, i might even go so far as to say grief represents just how great something once was in your life that you just cant imagine life without it.

that was dad. i know he is all around me, and sending me signs when he can. i just dont get it tho...death. what?! in the same sense that its SO easy to gain weight, its SO easy to just die. poof. over.

id like to think he'll be up there munching on some cake and dancing all around the room. though he was a bit on the shyer side, he could definitely shake it! especially when provoked :) haha, youre welcome dad. id personally request "our" songs (we had a handful) and just laugh until i keeled over.

58. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! i know im a few hours early, but your birthday deserves the exctra time.
my dad would have looked great at 68. 78. 88. 98. he totally could have made it to 98. i bet he would have still had a 6-pack..and been tan and agile. and probably still working. crazy he was :)

this week has been mentally tough in regards to my dads birthday. its amazing what living in the most magical city, with the most magical friends can do to a girl. while i have my days of blahs, where i just cant find the point in what happened no matter how hard i try, more often than not, im ok. i want my dad to be proud, and i have a lot to live for, so i ultimately am not going to sit at home and wallow in the depths of dispair. hed cringe if he knew i was sad.

my dad's smile could light up a room. my dad could break down all my girly annoyances and make me feel beautiful. he ran with me. he actually thought i was a pretty cool person. he listened to the backstreet boys in the car with me. we balanced it out with metallica, the foo fighters and coldplay, but he still let me have my silly girl music. and boys? he was a saint. he loved meeting boyfriends...(probably wanted to secretly have them killed), but he was so cool with all of them. he visited me throughout college. he believed in me...even when i didnt feel he had a reason to. he never once complained in front of me how hard he had to work, how tired he was, or how sick he felt. he never complained out loud about fat days, annoying people or stupid, trivial shit. we gosspied in our own world, but he never let me feel like the world was a big, scary, tough place. i joked with him about girl problems, makeup and falling in love (it happened a lot). haha. he was there when i had a pregnancy scare at 13 (you dont want to know. but its cool, ali had one too). WE ARE WEIRD. he was there for all the bruises, scars and soccer games. he was there as a friend, a dad, a coach and a superhero.

if you are still reading this, whoa. congrats. basically, writing is my therapy. i work through thoughts, and feelings that my  head is full of. i come to know this: while i may not be able to talk to or touch my dad, he is with me always. i am so much a part of him...i feel it, i know it, im told it.

so there ya have it folks. life is a day-by-day journey of ups and downs. its good, its bad, its happy and its sad. but its 100% worth it, 100% of the time. and if you ever think otherwise, spend a day with ali and i...we will make you happier than you thought possible :) oh, i guess some credit is due to prosecco. and chocolate. and boys. and sugar. and birthdays. and boys. get it.


i think that was the most perfect day of my life. if i could spend every day like yesterday, WHOA!
basically it included a movie, drinking, cute boys, lots of chocolate, sex and the city, shakespeare in the park, wedding shoe shopping, a snack-fest in starbucks underground, a trip to brooklyn library, a walk all over brooklyn, a hilarious heart-to-heart, a sunset stroll, ice cream cake, wedding chatter, more boys, grocery store sampling and dinner. ended with a shower and a true fight not to go to bed. but the day had to end.

ps, if you havent already, you must try frozen bananas covered in chocolate at TJ's. holy hell. DELISH!

and my friends, its back at work today. but its going to be a fun month ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


i felt it starting around 4:30pm. that familiar feeling that tears are just a moment away. i kept my focus at work, but it weakened a bit on the train. i pressed the + key on my ipod to increase the volume so that my head could focus on something else.

then, as i got off the train, it happened. i teared up. a phone call to mom was all i needed. i was in the grocery store loading up on candy and dinner for later, but she talked to me until i got home.

there are times where i just cant be strong. with dads birthday a week away, im feeling particularly vulnerable. i fear the hole that is left will never be filled...even in a small way, by a love of my own.

im scared for that. its funny, after my previous post about how magical some moments have been, im still human, and still fear im not enough for someone. i might not be pretty enough. or rich enough. or thin enough. or popular enough. i dont have my dad to tease me about my boy nonsense...haha, im sure hes up there with his head in his hands, being like "god, i just gotta tell her to relax"...

dad, i know what youd tell me. and i want to believe it, i do. mom says it too. (and we all know shes always right)...i just am not convinced. but, mom knows best so ill trust her on this one :)

thanks for getting me through today mom. its me and you on this journey and im really lucky you let me be me and are there for me. its pretty cool how were weak and strong at exact opposite times.

ohh life, you are so hard and complicated, sad and cruel sometimes. but dad, i know youre up there looking down. and i know we will be ok. right?! a sign would be nice :) haha. im overdue for one of those.

night all.

new york city

a lot of cool life moments have happened in new york, even before i started living here.
there is such a magic to this city...the lights, the pace, the energy.

with my dads 58th birthday upon us, i begin to take stock in my surroundings. id give anything, and i mean anything to have him back. even for one more day. i went back through herleys past headline news, and just relived some cool moments on behalf of my dad. he was a special dude. ill be completely honest with you bloggie, im not convinced i will find me one of those. whats scary is that i actually do want to to fall in love. for the first time, i actually think im ready for a real relationship. ive dated some amazing guys, no doubt, but in college i was playing around, and with aaron, well, my dad had just died and i couldnt completely focus on us when i was so newly grieving. ive met and dated a few boys in nyc, and its been fun. but i have yet to feel like i found "him"

the boy that i will end up with will be strong. he will be up for a fight, cause ill be honest, ill give him one (not even necessarily on purpose, mind you). he will know how to give me space, but also knock down my walls. he will be cute, of course, but in no specific way. i dont really have a type, i just know it when i know it.

i can count on one hand the number of times ive really, realllly liked a guy. i crush on everyone, but in this case, i mean like. the kind of like where you talk about the future, trips, moments and life. the kind of like where you introduce each other to friends and family. the kind of like where you attend personal ceremonies, family traditions and learn to have your own secret code. the kind of like where you no longer feel embarassed about things, but learn to love the imperfections that happen.

i wish i had met matt now. i loved him in college, but at 18, 19 and 20 i was not ready to hang with one guy. i went to school with 42,000 kids. all horny, and most hot. timing was just off. i still love him now, as he was my first love (sorry high school, you dont count), so he always has a piece of me. we still keep in touch, but we are sadly separated by 3000 miles.

a big part of my heart also belongs to aaron. what we share(d) (past, present and future) is something i really cherish. again, we both made mistakes, but were human. ive learned a lot since that relationship. our relationship spans cities states and time zones. i wouldnt deny a second shot with heart says its ok :)

in terms of peter. well, thats ones a question mark. we have chemistry, and hes totally adorable, hes just very gun shy. he apparently never goes after girls. thats tough, cause im not that shy, so i dont do well when the dude is shyer than me. we have a pretty drunk month of august planned, so im sure there will be updates.

aside from boys, im finding a good place within myself. i welcome junk food into my life, i enjoy cooking with friends, and i refuse to not eat something because it contains sugar, fat or a lot of calories. life tastes good, and it sure doesnt come weighing in at 80 pounds. i work out hard so i can think less about what i eat. hell, if my dad could eat M&Ms, ice cream, snickers and beef, and still have a six pack, im pretty sure i can too. and if a little sugar is going to help get me through a very stressful 12+ hour day, then so be it.

i like waking up without a plan. i like when brunch falls into place, when a movie date just presents itself or when a trip to the hamptons becomes totally necessary. i also love days when i have nothing to do but errands and a run. knowing i have a day to get shit done, run and get ready for a night out is bliss.

im psyched to move to hells kitchen. im psyched about my roomies and im psyched about double/triple dates. im excited about having people around...all.the.time. im excited to get ready to go out, to cook together and have slumber parties. woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

and hopefully throughout all of this, one of the 9.4 million people in this city will fall in love with me. i have my doubts, but its possible, right?! riiight?!?!

hopefully the rest of the work day will go by pretty uneventfully. sometimes you just need those kind of days.
especially since sara and i, once again, ate our way through duane reade's candy aisle. yum!

Monday, July 18, 2011

the magic of AC

i lasted long enough. my internal organs were about 6565656 degrees, and i knew it was time.
i finally got a window AC unit. holy hell, my life has vastly imroved. for fear of an energy bill, i dont keep it on much, usually just when i sleep, but WHOA! you cant live without AC, you just cant. its like the internet, its not a luxury, its a necessity.

on another note, saw harry potter last night. i have not read any of the books, and havent seen a single movie. im a sucker for hanging out with friends, and boys, so i went. OMG OMG OMG it was awesome!!!!!! i really loved it. had no idea. didnt see it coming. but go see it...NOW. its amazing.

ok back to work :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

its monday. im hot. and tired. and my brain was thinking random things...

1. When I hang out with my family and friends, I feel so happy and free and understood and cozy. I think I can eat whatever I want with them and not gain weight, and actually believe there are cool boys out there that like me! Basically what im saying is life is not nearly as cool or fun as when I am with my mom or friends. But I think we all knew that, right?!

2. Why is it that the guy you want to text you doesn’t, but the dude you don’t give a shit about won’t stop?

3. One of the most annoying things is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! And they always, ALWAYS sit in the seat right in front of me. Doesn’t he see I want to put my feet up? Happened Saturday night, haha!

4. What am I looking for? What do I ultimately want? I want my future husband to know BETTER than me! I want him to make me feel safe. I want him to be my best friend. I want him to ‘get’ me. to get ‘it’. I want him to be handsome, tall, sexy, funny, smart, a gentleman, loyal, and successful. I want to be fascinated by him. I want to respect him and believe in what he does. And vice versa. I want him to be the missing piece in my life, and add amazingness to my extended family. My parents wouldn’t want me to settle for anything less! It may sound like a lot…but its worth it!

5. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too good at being single, and that I won’t know how to make room for someone else in my life if/when I find them…or when he finds me?

Susie Kelley, Inc.

had an amazing weekend with mom! (and gamma!)

basically, we ate a lot of popcorn (yay movies, and sheetz), candy, and home cooked meals.
we rented a movie, went to see one, kicked ass in body pump and had an impromptu dance party (we even dougied!)

curious to know what else we did!? we launched Susie Kelley Art on Facebook. We created a fan page so that my mom can showcase her talent. She has entered an art show at the end of Septemeber (spread the word!) and we are now launching her full steam ahead. I am focused on being her business manager and being in charge of getting her name out there, grabbing freelance accounts, etc.

Susie Kelley, Inc. has been launched.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

hilary kelley in hells kitchen

i see a blog renaming in the future. hk in hk. HA!

the countdown to the big manhattan move has begun: 11 weeks.
ok so not a super scientific countdown, but im not that crazy. or bored enough to actually count the days.