i thought

i thought moving to LA was going to clear my head a little. i thought it was going to help me to understand why certain things happen sometimes, and that my life will work out. i thought i was going to find a great apartment, find a job, and hopefully hang with some good friends. i thought a change of pace, scenery, state, and routine was going to make me feel like i was bettering myself.

did i think wrong?

i find that i am missing all the things that make me happy. i miss my mom. i miss gamma. i miss going for walks, going to movies, and girl-chat drives to king of prussia talking about our lives. i miss laughing with besties, and watching the leaves change. i hate being cold, but the east coast is home to me, and i think i need to go back.

dont get me wrong...i have some great friends out here, have been doing some really fun things, and had a blast showing mom around (which, annoyingly cant happen nearly as often as i want. which would be, say, every day). ha, yea. its true. ive had a ball going out to clubs, dancing to super trashy music, and meeting some great people. and kissing a few (right mom!!!??).

but the things that make me super happy, and that im living the life i want with the people i love? yea, im not finding it so much. for me, a job is a job. my passions involve writing, modeling a bit (hehe), raising awareness and money for CJD, and blogging. i feel so strong about these things, and i want to do them. i want to make money being happy. i dont enojy sitting at a desk all day everyday feeling like im not doing anything. the bigger picture is pretty much that life is short, and if youre not doing something that you ultimately care about, why are you doing it.

granted, i have bills to pay. so until i figure out how to make money through the above avenues, im sadly stuck. why cant drew move out here?! haha....dmk, its not too late?? mom, you gotta come here too. ultimately, its not cali that matters. its WHO. i love so many people out here...im just in a funk. ive been thinking about dad a lot lately, and what life means. ive been thinking of fun names for blog titles, articles, book titles and who knows what else.

lo and behold:
blog and jog
cjd took jmk. wtf.
single in the city
pa to la: and back again?

haha, ok just some titles im throwing around.

basically, mom, id like to work for you. with you. for you and cathy. for US. i think we have some brilliant ideas, and i am eager to work to make them a reality. really. its with you that i am most happy and most me. thats the key to life, no?? so, mommy, i neeeeeeeeeeeeed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as you all know, i think a lot of things. my brain is ADD all the time, and it runs wild all over the place. its why im better off doing a lot of things, as opposed to one thing...especially when it doesnt include any of the things i truly love. or those i love. mom, thats you. haha.

thats all my thoughts for now. my head hurts ;)
love you all: xoxo

edited to add

teaspoon
cherry on top
icing on the cake
tablespoon
mixing bowl
sugar and spice
pumpkin spice


just a few more thoughts.
ok, on to the next idea. next big thing.

thank god its friday. literally :)

patty cake
bite me
butter
sugar & salt
vanilla
cake batter
baby cakes
batter
sweet bite

ok...im clearly bored and work...and daydreaming of names for this cupcake place my mom and cathy are going to run. anyway, there are some. now onto halloween costume ideas. i have a couple of ideas im throwing around. ill keep y'all posted. lunch time!

its 2:17pm...what are you thinking about?

if you are at work, its most likely why isnt it 5 yet? or better yet, 5 o'clock on friday not thursday. its kinda depressing that some days i take it hour by hour, counting down until i go home. just today, a coworker was counting down the day starting at 10am...first looking forward to a lunch break, now eagerly awaiting freedom. why do we do this?! ohh yea, bills. they need to be paid. dammit.

we spend so much time at work...god damn. sometimes it really is a drag.
ok, so now its 2:30. im pretty ready to go home. im sorta looking forward to getting some groceries tonight...watching a little CSI:miami, and making some dinner. im excited to clean up my apartment a little bit and check some emails. hopefully talk to drew and hear about his day.
you know the kicker?? once i get home, time will fly until its morning again and i repeat my day.

but im doing it. working hard...making money. (ha, well thats up for debate). im making a name for myself. (look, this is my pep talk...stop rolling your eyes. stop laughing). i can tell myself what i want to hear :)

so, i cant talk about work anymore. its bad enough im at work. making it more painfully obvious how much longer my day is is just depressing. bye bye :)

hi dad :)

there are some nights when i get into a zen mood. i put on some fun tunes, think about life, and feel like blogging. these are the moments i contemplate those i love, those i wish to love, things i could do without, and thoughts of the future. these are also the moments i think about you, dad.

you see, i miss my dad. i miss so many things about him. his smile, his advice, his opinions. his drive, dedication, wit, work ethic, and motivation. his emails, phone calls, frustrations, loves, distastes, and his face. his ability to make me feel successful. his strength.

i have a lot of qualities from my dad, and for that i am very grateful. now if i could just find a guy like him (right mom!?). hes watching over me...this much i know.

i think he is my north star. and for all my fears (rational or not), i truly feel safe when i think about him. i wish he was here. i dont understand. i want to raise money to cure CJD. i want him back. mom and i are strong as steel, but he should be here. i wonder what they have him doing up there?? :)

soo, hi dad! hi god! hi everybody that is friends with my dad!! i hope you guys are having a ball...and enjoying all the ridiculous things i do. or dont do. or say. or...well, i think you get it.

...and hey, mom: i love you. i mean, i really really love you. thank you for being you. thank you for being my bestie. thank you for being on the other end of the phone call....every time. thank you for my other half of genes. the kelley girls :) mmm, such a nice ring to it, no?! i love you!!

flicky!!!

ali flick i love you.

i think time stops when we chat. i really do. i mean, its nothing to kill a few hours chatting...and yet its never enough time :) i am so lucky to have someone like that. thank god we love to listen to each other talk, bitch, laugh, cry, be silly or annoying, stupid, sad, funny, smart, loving, or really nothing at all. you see, ali, you make me feel important. and quite frankly, myself. i feel so refreshed after i talk to you. i feel so much closer than i actually am to you. i feel like we are bicoastal besties and that the only reason we cant hang out as much as we want is cause life is stupidly expensive, and i dont quite make 6 figures. close, but not yet :) hehe...



just talking to you makes me excited for the future...and us living near each other. each with our boyfriends or hubbies (hello ryan and aaron...err, whoever, HAHAHAHA!!!) in one of our many houses. thats right, while we will have a house on the east, we wil definitely need a west coast house. or at least one in a warm weather area. im ok with florida :)



ill keep you posted on the crush :) and all the details in between, as you well know.



i love you so much :)

love, B



ps...we really gotta look into getting royalties from gossip girl. we started B (and F) wayyy before they did :)

and you thought your monday morning was tough...

i flipped on the news this AM (thats right dad, your daughter watches the news...and on her own free will, no less!!!!) only to hear about a 30-year old man assaulting an 83 year old woman in her home last night. he broke in, and assaulted her. wtf?!?!

ok, there are way too many issues here to even begin thinking about how to dissect this. first, are you really that bored? or angry? PMSing, perhaps? lonely? a stupid fucktard??

yea, im going with the last one. what kind of person assaults, well anyone really, but an 83 year old woman? dear god.

how does someones interworkings get so messed up.

thats all the time, energy and space this story gets, as my blog is not dedicated to all things wrong with the world. it is, however, a great place to vent frustrations regarding stupid things i hear. kinda fun. and this one was just nuts?!!!

hey, its ok!

...to be totally judge-y about plastic surgery, but then whiten your teeth obsessively

...to order only the stuff on the menu that you can pronounce

...to be secretly terrified of getting sucked down the airplane toilet

...to write down the key points you want to cover before making an important guy phone call

...to ask for a surprise party

...to believe that foods eaten while nursing a pal through a breakup are "sympathy" calories and dont count

...to consider Skee-Ball your best part

...to buy the jumbo-sized box of condoms. you have a goal. the goal is the expiration date. GO!

happy birthday foxes!

haha, that can totally be taken two ways. (they are cute, so it works...haha)

last night was the birthday party for aaron and bryan. they are now offically 30!!! its so exciting :)
anyway, i had sent them birthday cards earlier in the week, but was soooooo psyched to see them out. it had been a little while. one of my best friends, craig dewey, came with me. he came over to my apartment earlier and we hung out before we headed out.

ok, so lets address the elephant in the room. or on the blog, rather ;)
i am not one of those people that "get over" someone...at least i dont phrase it like that. i think that sounds incredibly rude and ignorant. sure, my relationship or opinion of someone may change, but its a shift in perspective. "im over you" is just stupidly mean. what happened between aaron and i sucked, sure, but i ultimately think his billing me was a reaction to him feeling hurt by me first. i have had numerous convos about this with ali and craig and they agree. of course that doesnt make it right, and surely not ok, but it makes him human.

he was the first guy that i truly, truly liked on a deeper level. well, the first one out of college. im hopeful that living in the same city may reignite something. i mean, i surely have a crush on him. ok, ok, i see all of you rolling your eyes!! and i get it. you love me, and dont want me to be hurt. but i like having crushes on people. and hes a crush. for now...just a crush.
(shhh, i may want more...hehehehe.....but ill keep it to myself for now!) haha...

drew...i know, you are just shaking your head. but you know me...having a stupid crush is just what i do. no worries...not planning our wedding, or uber romantic date nights...just keeping it at a distance. but crushes are necessary :)

ok, thanks for listening guys!

"damn, yous a sexy bitch..."

thanks akon!
i know, i know, my music taste is amazing. and very tasteful. its the title of akons new song...and i think it does a pretty good job summarizing what i look like right now.

you see, im recovering from lip surgery i had on friday. not sure how this little lip issue started (as, quite frankly, the past 6 weeks of my life have been a fantastic blur), but i had a mucosele develop on my lip. or, rather, in it. essentially its when the mucus cells in your lip retain liquid and create a cyst. pretty yummy stuff. anyway, i had put up with it long enough and couldnt take it any more. it was starting to really grind at me. i kept biting it, it was getting in my way when i would talk, and after i confirmed that there was no chance it would go away on its own, i knew i had to get it out.

i googled oral surgery centers in los angeles and picked the one that was pretty close to my apartment. long story short, i got it out. HURT LIKE A BITCH!!!!!!!!! please excuse my language, but when he took my lip between his two fingers and jabbed a novacaine needle in there, i about died. it made tears run down my face!

at that moment, i felt so scared and sad. i was in so much pain, and found myself staring up at the ceiling of an unfamiliar doctors office, alone. it was really, really weird. then, wouldnt you know it, i called my mom and she talked to me until the doctor came back in to do it. she assured me the hardest part was over...she was right. the rest was a trip. i was so tense that i was practically hugging myself...the doc promised me i could relax.

PS...the doc was fantastic!! i mean, really really fantastic. he made me feel great. he made sure i was comfortable at all stages. even called me that night to check in. yea....thats a good sign of a good one. so, even though i never do this, i gotta give myself props. i really can do good! haha.

so, here are some post-op pics. i look hot!!
please, enjoy :) hahaha...

10 reasons you're the best

youre the kind of person who realizes that the airport security people - breathe, calm - are just doing their job

on the bus, you stand up for pregnant ladies (take a hint, men!)

when you borrow the dress, you return it - dry-cleaned

you tell her when she has spinach in her teeth (instantly fixable), but not when she has gained five pounds (you know she already knows)

you like target and tiffany about equally

you offer to babysit, and - yep - acutally do

you arent perfect...but then none of the best people are

you dance, giggle, hug, sing, curse and cry so that no one is left wondering how you are feeling

you dont post pics where you look great and everyone else looks nauseous

you give great birthday



of course there are zillions more reasons why you are the best. these are just fun and light-hearted. know that you are amazing the way you are. (cause i sure think so)

happy one month anniversary to me!

haha! :) i have been working at american apparel for one month.
on my way to work this morning i was talking to my mom, and we were talking about how crazy it was that she visited me 3 weeks ago. what kind of time warp am i in?!

ok so this post has taken me all day with work and everything. happy anniversary...is it fridya yet??! haha

hey, its ok...

...to have the odd crazy night out on a sunday. it is technically still the weekend.

...to be secretly glad summer is winding down. no need to wax every inch of your body in autumn...phew

...to spend three hours writing a three-sentence email to the guy youre trying to ask out

...to want to kill anyone who dares talk to you on a monday morning

...to not quite have the emotional strength to delete that toxic ex-boyfriend from your facebook friends

...to cringe whenever you see the abbreviation LOL. doubly so when its LMAO. laughing my ass off? not remotely - and even less so now

...to own green, blue and gold eyeliners, but end up sticking to good old black

...if you pick up a coin in the street. but draw the line at pennies...unless theyre heads up

...if you get the barman to serve you by accidentally-on-purpose giving him an eyeful of your cleavage. whatever works


i just love reading these in magazines. just so entertaining :)

i believe

aunt martha sent me this this morning. it almost brought me to tears (happy tears), and made me feel so good. all these things are so true, and just gave me the chills.

i believe...birth certificates show that we were born..death certificates show that we died. pictures show that we lived!

i believe...that just because two people argue,doesn't mean they don't love each other. and just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do love each other.

i believe...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

i believe...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

i believe...that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. same goes for true love.

i believe...that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

i believe...that it's taking me a long time and im still working to become the person i want to be.

i believe...that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. it may be the last time you see them.

i believe...that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

i believe...that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

i believe...that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

i believe...that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

i believe...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

i believe...that my best friend and i can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

i believe...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

i believe...that sometimes when im angry i have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

i believe...that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how manybirthdays you've celebrated.

i believe...that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

i believe...that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

i believe...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

i believe...that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. it could change your life forever.

i believe...two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

i believe...that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

i believe...that even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.

i believe...that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

i believe...that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

i believe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

this is so beautiful. it is so easy to get caught up in the craziness of life that sometimes reading things like this bring you back into a clearer perspective. so enjoy it :) i certainly did.

welcome to the blogosphere!

guess who is now officially a blogger?! MOMMA!!!!!
thats right...now you can all follow sus on her blog: http://hamilton-skpa.blogspot.com/
i will add it to my blogroll for easier access, but it deserved a shout-out here too!

happy (belated) one year anniversary!!!

my blog is officially one years old!!!!!! as of august 2009, i have been blogging for a year. i cant believe i missed it. well, actually, i can as i was in the middle of moving 3000 miles from home.

over the past year, this blog has given me more therapy, joy, pain, and perspective than i could have ever imagined. what started off as a suggestion from aunt martha morphed into an amazing passion of mine. it led me to write my book, "heaven couldnt wait" in honor of my dad.
it made me understand that i am human, and will always struggle with life (like any, and all, of you). it made me understand how loved i am, and how much strength and confidence people have in me. it made me laugh and cry, remembering and living through very real feelings.

this blog is something i cant wait to grow. more posts, pictures, stories, and anecdotes will be coming. it will remain a testament to my dad, as he is the reason i began it. little snippets of him will be sure to sneak in here, as i continue to live by celebrating john kelley.

i think back to a year ago: august 2008. wow. first of all, i now have dark hair. something i wasnt sure id ever have! :) i live in los angeles now. i wrote a book. ive grown so much and learned so much about myself. i have been floored at how resilient this family is. we are strong mother fuckers. remember that game, red rover? picture us as a team...noone gets through.

and thats how it will always be!! i cherish the moments i have that allow me to breakdown. i love seeing my moms face light up when we get to hang out! i still get chills when i talk to my dad, and smile ever time i see his face (in pictures). my eyes are always open to hidden clues that he is there and i am pretty obsessed any time i talk with drew.

i could go on and on and on, but i will end this by saying, happy birthday blog! may we enjoy many more years together!!! :) xoxo

"did you watch the VMAs last night?"

...um, MTV has pretty much sucked since we were in high school. it was all fun and games at the height of boy band mania, but not so much now. i mean, britney spears is a tragic train wreck, michael jackson died, green day, U2, coldplay and other noteworthy bands dont get within 500 yards of it, and they havent played a music video since 1999. or thereabouts :) however, a coworker must start her day with daily gossip, so that was the topic du jour. "omg, i totally dont get lady gaga...like, that performance freaked me out" was among one of the topics we discussed.

yea, i got nothing. i dont listen to her music. and she never wears pants. trying to be stupidly crazy is not cool. its stupid. i respect uniqueness, not overtly needing attention. theres a HUGE difference.

this coming from a girl who does, however, like lil wayne, flo rida and akon. yea, i dont get it either, but i blame it on a ghetto gene i have inside me. stems back to when dad and i would bust out to nelly in the car.

anyway, back to the office. it just makes me laugh sometimes at what we talk about. with certain people the conversation topics are so forced, yet i make the effort to not let them feel that way. secretely i am smiling in the back of my mind knowing that i couldnt give a shit about what we are talking about. kill them with kindness though...haha :)

the VMAs?! sure i watched...lets talk about it. haha........

congratulations sba!!

saturday, september 12th, 2009...sarah got engaged! :)
i know what you all must be thinking. you thought itd be me...figuring it made the most sense that id settle down first. hahahah!??!?! i couldnt even keep that joke going for 5 seconds :) excuse me while i finish laughing ;)

anyway, congratulations sarah!!! i am so excited for you guys. i dont know much about all of this, except for what i learned from drew...so i have to say im pinching myself for you. i cant wait to see the ring!! :)

all my best to you guys...youre both amazing, and i am so happy tim is a part of the family. (now can we please all cross our fingers for a cool guy for me. i seems to date the douchbags) :)

lets take a moment

and remember those lives lost on 9/11/2001.
can you believe it has been so long.

i remember exactly where i was, what i felt, and how unbelievable
the sight on the TV was.

so, in memory of all those lives lost, the families left behind, and that fateful
day that exposed unheard of evil, lets all take a moment to think about how
lucky we all are. i love my family and friends and am so happy to be alive.
thank you all for being in my life :) xoxo

what the hell was that?!

i found out why california would prefer you to not talk on the phone while driving. well, actually, they forbid it. you can catch glimpses of people who still chat anyway, or are just using bluetooth, desperate to text, chat, or whatever.

so here i was...chatting with mom while on the way to work. i was heading down melrose, about a half mile from the freeway, when i felt a jolt and heard a huuuge crash. wtf?!??! i swore for about 2 minutes on the phone and looked to my right. all that was left of my passenger side mirror were two cords, flapping in the wind. i had hit a parked car, and knocked my mirror clear off. ?!?!?!??! ok, its funny now. and the more people i talk to, the funnier it gets, as i am starting to wonder how and why it took me so long to do this!! haha.

now, remember, i am still on the phone. in shock, shaking a tiny bit and still swearing, i laugh for a sec. and ask the obvious, "hey mom, what the fuck do i do?!" what i wouldnt give to see her face that very second. my mirror is gone. if you know anything about my precious baby golf, you know that it is not short of dings. mom has hit it 6 times alone, and has left her mark. because of that, i have lost all obsession with car vanity. buuuut, what the hell!??! this particular morning, i think i was a combo of things...pissed and annoyed we didnt have labor day off, annoyed it was monday, tired, and just not paying attention. i didnt think i was that close to the car. but i was. going home from work that day i tried to find my mirror on the side of the road...no luck. and the next morning i didnt see it either. soo, eventually ill get one. until then, i drive a ghetto car. now, not just dinged up, but officially missing parts! hahahaha.

you go get 'em hil. just keep truckin :)

as im sure you all appreciate my ridiculous stories, there will be more to come.
love you all!! :)

these updates will get better!

i swear, i will update more frequently coming soon! i looooove to blog, and i looove to update everyone on what im doing, thinking, wearing, saying, laughing about, loving, hating, or just randomly seeing.

for now, id like to share with you all that aarons birthday is in 9 days...hes going to be 30. of course my little brain is just filled with loads of fun ideas for it...it would be amazing if we were "something". flickster tells me he doesnt deserve me. (thats why shes my bestie!! haha)...but truthfully, id like to give this a second shot. i mean, we waited for us to be in the same god damn city. we are now. id like to think that turning 30 will turn on a switch that makes him realize that he has a great thing in front of him. i think we would make, do make, and did make a cute couple. yes, he made a bad/stupid/rude decision. i made mistakes too. lots. so, aaron, if youre reading this, lets try again :) no games, no stupid shit, just fun. just life. just real.

ok, back to the present :)
a bunch of us are going to eric hughes housewarming tomorrow night. ive been excited about this since he invited me...caaaant wait :) he and i talked about coming to LA for months...he made the move. weeks later, here i am. i still find myself not totally realizing i live here. nope...still hasnt registered.

i had a great convo with dad last night. often, i talk to him. i am in need of a good cry. i feel it right on the brink...itll happen :) but i talked to him last night in my car. im so sad and scared and pissed hes gone. i hope hes proud of us :) i know he is...i just know it. life is so surreal sometimes. i find it so refreshing to constantly remind myself of what is important. stupid drama at work? NO. past mistakes with aaron and i? NO. life is all about what makes you happy...im excited about the possibility to see what can develop with us. i cant forget that people have said how great we are together...or how we are made for the long run. i think we just tripped over our own feet. my family, my friends...you all are my life. and i thank you. i live for you. i hope i am enough.

and you, mom. one step at a time for us :) its only going to get better for us...i just feel it. funny comments, live calls and funny laughs at night keep me chucking along. the distance sucks...we know. but we are making the most of it...and as we get settled we will work out better ways to see each other more often. cause this "not seeing each other for months" just aint gonna work. NO SIR.

thanks everyone for caring. truly. sounds so trite...but i mean it more than you know. this blog is my baby, and i am so proud that i have people that truly care enough to want to read it. i love you all soo soo soo much. hope everyone is having a fabulous week!!!!!! love you :) xoxo

if i had a million dollars...ok, just $100

there are sooo many fun things i want to do to my apt.
for starters, get one or two more hanging hooks for scarves, necklaces and whatever else.
i also want to finally get those hanging letters at anthro and put HAK somewhere on a wall.
(you know, just in case i forget my initials or something)...haha. honestly...i just want to go nuts in anthro. sooo, those ideas are in the pipeline. as well as many others, but i wont bore you.

lets see. we work tomorrow. a holiday that is supposed to celebrate laborers, and we are working. hmm. ok. whatever.

thats all for now. clearly i dont have much to say today. well i do, but its not appropriate for my blog ;).

happy labor day everyone! :) catch ya later