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Showing posts from February, 2009

Daily Hil

That could totally be the name of a newspaper column. Hmm, anyone know where I can pitch that?! Ha, I kinda like that.
Work is a little slow today...um, actually, dead. Noone in yet. Haha. Awesome. Thats ok though, since id rather blog anyway.
Sometimes I wish I could just go back to when I was a kid and live those years. How fun...the hardest part of my day was getting home for dinner. Or deciding which boy I liked. Or which backstreet boys song we would replay over and over in the car on the way to herhseypark. Or....you see where Im going with this. Life was what it should be...fun, but hard (school, boys, sports), and happy (not idealic, not perfect, not cinderella-esque) but happy.
I think I am a better person now that I ever have been. I think I have great life perspective. I think I have a great work ethic. I think I am worth a lot. (And not in a bragging type way, just learning to love myself-growing up and being me type of way). I appreciate what I do for myself and others, a…

Oh, Holy God

I am a hot mess. I change my mind about where I want to live, work and play every day. Probably multiple times a day. I feel scattered pretty much all the time...I feel like I should leave Lancaster. I know my dad would have wanted to me to do that...he used to tell me to. However, the ultimate decision is ok then, if not Lancaster, where?! I mean, there are 50 states, not to mention 7 continents. Umm, dad, help?!??! Im a little girl lost.
Officially a little girl lost. I think I nailed it. Nothing that I try to do seems to work. I feel like those around me make it look easier...say, Eric just driving to LA without a job or money or friends or an apt. Yet, hes doing it. Or, liking Aaron. He couldnt care less, really, and im annoyed about that.

I am so frusterated (and scared). I want a fun job, a fun boy, and a fun place to live. Where that is and who that is are unknown. Life is unknown and I feel like I want a fucking break. I want some answers. I want my dad. I have never felt more l…

armstrong visit

here is a pic of when uncle dwight and aunt kathie visited! this is the only pic my mom sent me (sorry, no pic aunt kathie!!!!) but it was so great to see them! looooooooooooooooooooooooove my family so much!

"just like me"

new song...by jamie foxx...download it! i know what youre thinking...i dont like jamie foxx either. but this song is fun! it kept coming on the radio when aaron and i were driving in sc, and i got addicted to it.

speaking of sc, i didnt get too many pictures because my digital camera hates me. its not working. so i brought a disposable....hahahahhaha yes i sure did! (dork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so i managed to get a couple of aaron, and one of us. he then took the camera and took a few "surrounding" shots...kinda like what drew always does. i just got them developed today (soooo weird to have to do that...WOW!!)...and, they are soo cute! well, he is soo cute. i do like the one of us...but the ones of him are sooo adorable. i will have my mom scan one and upload it...to share!

its 9:20pm on sunday night. i think ill go watch some tv and relazx. i emailed a-dog my "feelings". ill let you all know the verdict when i get it. please pray for me. i mean, i dont want to g…

ive gone to carolina in my mind...

this song now has a whole new meaning to me! haha!! :) ive always loved james taylor, and while listening to him last night this song brought me right back to last weekend in SC. i have to admit, i have had a bit of a hard time with missing him since i got home and this song was perfect.

i want to take a minute and thank ali for chatting yesterday. im pretty sure we could talk for days..weeks even, if it werent necessary to do anything else...like say, live!! haha. we had to cut it off after a little more than an hour (hehe, i decided i should probably help those pesky customers), but god damn, i love her. looooooooooooooooooooooooove. so thank al, you keep this little spaz-tastic chick in line. and sane. and clear-headed. and i know, i KNOW, thats not always easy...hehe. but we are a great pair. yes yes yes yes.

oh, and id like to give my brother a little blog shout-out. his advice for my daily life confusion is to "follow my head". thanks bro...i love you. you know how craz…

la la la

dont you just hate it when you see pictures youve taken and they dont seem nearly as cute as you thought they did in your head. god, i hate that.

*anyway, random rant now out of the way. moving on...

there are days where i feel like i have "it" figured out. i have ideas about where i want to work, live and do. i strongly believe that its not really where you are, but with who, or why. i learned a long time ago (college) that you will keep in touch with the people you choose to despite distance. flick and i are still best friends and have conquered all sorts of distance, etc. i have the same core best friends from HS...and over the holidays we all hung out so often, and it was amazing. nothing seemed to change. the guys and the girls.

that said, i am entering a new phase of my life where i am thinking about my future. maybe marriage, maybe kids. and that means sacrificing things. like maybe moving/uprooting soon. starting over in a new city. why cant life be easy (just this once…

a few thoughts (gotta clear up some space in my brain)...haha

sold a jumpsuit yesterday. yes, thats right, you read that i sold a jumpsuit. HAHA! i am sorry, i appreciate trends and peoples tastes...but i must be missing something. i am just not sure where you would wear it. but, i am happy to sell it. im pretty much game to sell anything...package up some tin foil, wrap a bow around it, and hope to sell it. yep, anything for a dollar. haha.

i am hoping to have an important converstation with aaron asap. i need to know a few things...i just really hope i dont freak him out and lose what weve worked so hard for. my mom thinks this relationship is great...and shes always right about stuff like that, so im going with it. hahaa. but i really feel ready to figure out the next step. i just hope im not going to get my heart broken.

its been super windy here in lanc more in the past year than most. mom and i think dad is just playing outside and making it known he is there/here/everywhere. i like that thinking. granted, im not a total fan of wind (is anyo…

i love family

uncle dwight and aunt kathie just stopped in to say hi!! they are passing through PA en route to see dwight in NYC and came to see us at work. sooooo great.

it was funny showing them around the store and having a laugh at some of the stuff that alyssa has bought for us recently. we just got in some jumpsuits (?!?!), a denim tank top (!?!) and a pink beach cover up (!?!). yess, i am serious. i was thinking id wear the jumpsuit for the fashion show coming us just for kicks since its just so ridiculous. haha...too much.

when they came in this morning, aunt kathie showed us pictures of uncle dwights breakfast at lindon diner. 2 full plates of eggs, bacon, toast, etc. the picture was hilarious...and yet, so fitting for uncle dwight!! (what i mean is, this is not the first time this has occurred. however, i had the priveledge to be there the last time!!)

they both look great. it was so fun to see them. i always get so happy around family. they make me feel like i can do anything. "see you…

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me! (well, in my head he does). or at least my dreams.

its a pretty freakin complicated thing, love is. especially in the beginning where you are trudging your way through feelings and emotions that you want explained. you want to talk about certain things, but not scare off the boy at the other end of the conversation. you want to know he thinks of you like you think of him. you want him to want you.

aaron is that for me right now. i just see it working. things he has said, things i feel, things we do, things i say, etc. it feels right. i just need to convince him of the same...any suggestions. drug him?! haha just kidding.

he texted me earlier that he got the worst fever last night, and felt awful. i told him he was going through hilary withdrawal/detox. haha. yes, id like to think im right. he really liked my magazine spread...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

welllll, hopefully we will figure it out. again, to be continued....

that screaming you hear...its my arteries

pizza, fries, nachos, wine and cheesecake. yea...and that was just friday night dinner. soo, if you get word of me in the hospital due to a heart attack, dont be surprised. haha, just kidding.

south carolina was a ball. it was great to see aaron and hang out for a few days and watch some tennis. however, it was FREEEEEEEEEEZING!!!!!!!!!! i think the high was in the 40's. brrrr. i was under the impression that it was going to be at least in the 60's. i was sadly mistaken. so i pretty much wore the same thing all weekend.

i journaled the trip while i was flying, so im a little tired to blog too too much, but i have to say, it was hard to come home. when aaron dropped me off at the airport (well, after he walked me in and kissed me goodbye...twice, hehe), i cried. im not talking a little twinkle in the eye...or a tiny tear. i called my mom and nicole, and cried. it really hurt me to leave him. i was so bummed.
the future has yet to be figured out. id like to take a minute and thank …

a bunch of updates

i finished george andersons book this AM. i had purposely taken a few days off from reading it...it is such an emotionally heavy book that i really needed to step away from it. it ended on an amazingly light note. the last few chapters talked about hope, living life in spite of loss and tradegy, and a bit of a question-and-answer section. he explains that our loved ones might be physically gone, but they love to hear from us and love for us to pray, and are never truly "gone". how beautiful. i truly feel like my dad is around and i love that...this book was a really nice, albeit difficult, read. i recommend it to anyone that needs perspective. i certainly cant have enough of that...haha, right drew!??! hahaha.
i leave tomorrow morning for hilton head to spend 4 days with aaron. went to bed last night and woke up today with unbelievable pressure in my head and horrible sore throat. awesome. haha. i was reminded by some best friends and family that these nerves i am feeling wer…

the sounds of sirens

as i was leaving my apt this morning an ambulance was whizzing by. its siren was soo soo loud and it totally made me lose my focus and drop my keys as i was locking my door.

see, ever since i rode in the ambulance that took my dad from our house at bent creek, i have always flashed back to that morning when i hear the siren or just see one driving around. en route to hospice i had no idea just how much my life was about to change. call it naivetee (spelling??!), but i thought he'd get checked and come home. ha.....wow. i guess i dont need to go into what actually happened......

anyway, so just one of those things now i guess. so funny how certain sights, sounds and smells bring back memories (for better or for worse). i also find myself looking in the front to see if i know the driver or passenger, if maybe they are the same people that i drove with. granted, i cant realllllly see in...they are either driving too fast, im driving and cant really stare, or just cant see in tooo well.…

here it is...the first look at my magazine ad

this is one of the pictures being featured in fine living lancaster magazine. i am told it will be a full page ad....haha!! and we are using it as one of the pictures on a billboard here. so without further adue...


ok, so its stupidly small...sorry, it wont upload better than that. AH! but it will be better in pring anyway...ha, omg it makes me laugh.

birds chirping

im pretty sure as i was getting ready this morning i heard some birds chirping. oh holy geez, thats gotta mean spring, right?! haha i sure hope so! its supposed to be a beautiful day today…which makes it hard to be inside, but ill take it! its amazing what a little sun can do for ya, you know.

and rachel, after reading your comment to my previous post, i had to comment back…the chocolate deal you make for drew sounds perfect for him!!!!!!! in fact, it made me smile…and think of him. it just sounded so drew…the boy will most definitely love it…death by chocolate is his motto.

it sounds like you guys have a fun weekend planned. (always fun to see the rents,i know). haha…yea, im interested to see what aaron and i do, if anything. dinner im sure. i got him a funny card, but with me flying down, i didnt get a present (yet…?). haha. i cant wait to fill you in on gossip…i truly hope it goes swimmingly. his ex-gf has been facebooking him a lot lately, which is totally pissing me off. shouldnt i…

spring is in the air

omg, so many things are happening right now. first of all, nothing makes this chick happier than lighter days and warmer weather. it is completely mood enhancing :) haha. i totally do not belong in cold.

also, we just got the picture proofs for the magazine and billboard i will be on. oh holy jeez, i cant wait to share it with all of you.

only a few days until i fly to south carolina to see aaron. i like him a lot, but am a little apprehensive about this trip. im not sure if its due to the heaviness of what is happening in my life right now with dad, or the fact that ive had so much time to think about it that i am nervous, or a healthy mix of the two. we are going to be sharing a hotel room for 4 days, so were going to be like a married couple for a while...haha, made me laugh yesterday. i think hes excited...dear god, i hope he is. eek! i get in on valentines day, so i hope its special :) i will keep you all posted on how i feel about it closer to the time...i may need some moral supp…

the 1-year mark

i do not think we could have had a better year anniversary for dad if we tried. having drew and rachel join us for the day was inredible. i love those two so much its silly. we looked at pics and watched a video of last thanksgiving which was just about the funniest thing i have seen in a while (so thank you for that guys!!)

aside from the perfect company, i think the day was spent really well. it wasnt super super sad or dramatic, but really special and easy. it was fun to celebrate my dad, knowing how great a life he was, without going over-the-top in terms of tears. (lord knows we have enough of that every other day, haha).

its hard to believe its been a year. i was joking with my mom about how i think i was in a fog 98% of this past year...giving myself a few days in there where i felt something other than numbness. i think there were a few normal days in there...maybe not. really, i dont know.

i want to thank everyone for their love and support each and every day. we all got incredi…

great start to the weekend...

and i hope it continues to be this way. mom and i went to yoga this morning and sweat out all our tension and bad thoughts. briala (the teacher) really spent time having us relax, close our eyes and think about life. she told us we are perfect the way we are and the practice of yoga isnt to learn what isnt right with our bodies, but how to live within ourselves and be present in the world. everything she said (as yogi as she is...and though i love her, she is a total yogi) it was the perfect thing mom and i needed to hear. this is a stupidly difficult weekend with more than enough room to feel shitty. thanks briala, you started the day amazingly.

we almost didnt go to yoga this AM though. we got home from the movie last night at 10 and were tired. it was a 2 hour and 10 minute movie. long sucker (omg, we had to pee sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad at the end, haha). the audience was like one big high school classroom. soooo funny. i think my mom liked the movie way more than me...and i…

movie night

tonight after work mom and i are going to go see "hes just not that into you". i have been so excited to see this movie since i saw the first trailor for it like a million years ago. should be a nice way to detox from the week...and prepare for the working weekend and anniversary of dad. i think bradley cooper is adorable and i just cant wait to see him, haha.

the following weekend "confessions of a shopoholic" comes out, so i think i wanna catch that too. though, i must say, the preview didnt really entice me. so i take that back.

what cracks me up about tonight is that i dont think my mom is super excited about the movie as a whole as much as a way for her to just laugh a little. i think shes going for the popcorn. much like my uncle dwight, she will never watch a movie without it in the theater. she LOOOVES it. its her favorite "dinner" hahahaha. its a 2 hour movie, which shocked me...id thought it would be shorter, but as long as its entertaining im go…

the to-do list you can actually do

courtesy of real simple magazine (given to me by gamma one random day), this is a practical to-do list for those of us that are super obsessive about them. they keep me sane...i love them...and this one is just humorous. if you have ever added something on your to-do list that was super easy to do just so you could cross it off, you will love this.

* hit snooze
* shampoo; rinse; repeat
* forget to floss
* eat bagel
* forget to put laundry in the dryer. clothes can be permanently
pressed (whatever that means) tomorrow
* screen phone calls
* see mailman coming and realize Netflix and bills are still on the
kitchen counter
* get sucked into a movie on lifetime
* grow anxious as Meredith Baxter (Birney?) murders the dad
from 7th Heaven
* put off remaining duties while readng celebrity gossip
* decide for yourself "who wore it best"
* skip pilates
* eat a burrito
* pick up The World is Flat on nightstand
* read paragraph. put book down
* leave eye makeup on
* lights out


haha, nothing is e…

it all (really) started 2 years ago...

today, february 2nd, marks the anniversary of my dads cjd diagnosis (in 2007). 2 years ago today we were told the most devastating news i could have ever imagined. only 3 months into my new job in philadelphia at urban outfitters, i felt like my life was over. being away from my dad felt stupid...so back to lanc i came. these past two years have been the most sickening, hurtful, humorous, enlightening, and all-around surreal years. we experience things in our lives that color our journey. i know i am stronger and more resilient than i ever knew. i have seen love in ways i never knew were possible. i have seen and felt tears and laughter that fill my heart. i have so many people that hep me through life...i hope i do the same for them.
i find myself thinking of my dad all the time. sometimes i find it too difficult to glance at the pictures i have in my apt or on my fridge...sometimes his beaming face is just too much. i did, however, bring a few pictures to work with me today to keep m…

go cardinals!!!!!

i have had some sort of hatred for the steelers all my life. i can not explain it, i just do. they are just that team that i have no interest in. them and the flyers. being a native pennsylvanian its kinda weird i guess, but im ok with that. haha.

they are in the super bowl today. against the cardinals. i have so much LOVE for arizona...so i must say my heart is with them today. granted we are working all day, but i hope to catch some of the game later. (and i hope the commercials are cool. my faves are the e*trade commercials...the baby is soooo funny!!!!)

and what has happened to the halftime show?!?! i know a ton of people love bruce springstein...not me. its not fun anymore. thank you janet jackson and justin timberlake...you guys sucked it up, and it has sucked ever since.

its a little warmer today, thank god! i see the light at the end of the winter tunnel of hell. haha.


(ok, countdown to see aaron: 13 days...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - had to sneak that in there!!

read all about it

my mom recently gave me the book "walking in the garden of souls" by legendary medium george anderson. she didnt me the impression that she looooved it, but i thought id give it a shot. we have very differing ideas of what we consider"good books" so its always amusing when we read the same books.

its a very heavy read. i am only able to read 2 chapters at a time before i need to take a break. its a very emotional, spiritual, soul book. its amazing though. i find a lot of similar persective to what he says in terms of bereavment being a "one step forward, two steps back" process, finding a new "normal", etc. i like that he explains that even though he communicates with the souls, he has no advantages in life in terms of lessons learned, or the ability to better his life. he cant create a million dollars for himself. he cant avoid failure, loss or torment. he cant succeed at everything. and he certainly isnt privvy to any answers we "normal&qu…