Thursday, February 26, 2009

Daily Hil

That could totally be the name of a newspaper column. Hmm, anyone know where I can pitch that?! Ha, I kinda like that.

Work is a little slow, actually, dead. Noone in yet. Haha. Awesome. Thats ok though, since id rather blog anyway.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to when I was a kid and live those years. How fun...the hardest part of my day was getting home for dinner. Or deciding which boy I liked. Or which backstreet boys song we would replay over and over in the car on the way to herhseypark. see where Im going with this. Life was what it should, but hard (school, boys, sports), and happy (not idealic, not perfect, not cinderella-esque) but happy.

I think I am a better person now that I ever have been. I think I have great life perspective. I think I have a great work ethic. I think I am worth a lot. (And not in a bragging type way, just learning to love myself-growing up and being me type of way). I appreciate what I do for myself and others, and what they do for me. I want my friends and family (and those lucky boys...hehe) to feel loved and like they are sooo lucky and appreciated. I think most of this annoyance comes from spending what I thought was a good amount of time and energy on something that turns out is just a "posibility" to the other person.

Oo, UPS delivery.....gotta go!!

Oh, Holy God

I am a hot mess. I change my mind about where I want to live, work and play every day. Probably multiple times a day. I feel scattered pretty much all the time...I feel like I should leave Lancaster. I know my dad would have wanted to me to do that...he used to tell me to. However, the ultimate decision is ok then, if not Lancaster, where?! I mean, there are 50 states, not to mention 7 continents. Umm, dad, help?!??! Im a little girl lost.
Officially a little girl lost. I think I nailed it. Nothing that I try to do seems to work. I feel like those around me make it look easier...say, Eric just driving to LA without a job or money or friends or an apt. Yet, hes doing it. Or, liking Aaron. He couldnt care less, really, and im annoyed about that.

I am so frusterated (and scared). I want a fun job, a fun boy, and a fun place to live. Where that is and who that is are unknown. Life is unknown and I feel like I want a fucking break. I want some answers. I want my dad. I have never felt more lonely, scared, confused and helpless in all my life. I almost feel like I am at the point of "fuck it" not try. Its not in my blood to do that or act like that, but im close.

I work really hard. I try really hard. I know I have great friends. However, these past 2 years have been hell for so many reasons. I lost an ally in life. I lost my mentor, and my idol. I lost my direction, my life strength. My core was shaken so deep, and I lost myself. I lost my sense of self. I dont belong without my dad. He was the guy that made me feel so smart and funny and ambitious. He made me feel beautiful and successful. What happens if I never find that again. I mean the guy that I liked this past year has pretty much played me, and I feel like I was a business transaction for him...or a convenience. How shitty.

What if I never recover. Or find my way. My compass is no longer with me, and a little piece I was hoping would help me (said boy) turned out to only be selfishly into his own life. I dont get the feeling that he wants there to be space for me. He said there is a guarantee. No shit, theres no guarantee!??!? Jackass, life isnt a guarantee. His whole argument (and our whole conversation) was to me, a huge cop-out. I feel as though he wants it, yet others. BUUUUT, dude, if im paying for hotels and flights and trips, I want commitment. Thats not asking too much. (And, I have to say, if he really does send me a bill for the hotel room in South Carolina I might lose it. I may consider not paying it). Really.

Ok, this is getting rather lengthy, and I could keep typing for days about what is going on in my head. Hopefully the day will get better. Or I get some clarity. Thats what I need...some clarity!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

armstrong visit

here is a pic of when uncle dwight and aunt kathie visited! this is the only pic my mom sent me (sorry, no pic aunt kathie!!!!) but it was so great to see them! looooooooooooooooooooooooove my family so much!

"just like me"

new jamie it! i know what youre thinking...i dont like jamie foxx either. but this song is fun! it kept coming on the radio when aaron and i were driving in sc, and i got addicted to it.

speaking of sc, i didnt get too many pictures because my digital camera hates me. its not working. so i brought a disposable....hahahahhaha yes i sure did! (dork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so i managed to get a couple of aaron, and one of us. he then took the camera and took a few "surrounding" shots...kinda like what drew always does. i just got them developed today (soooo weird to have to do that...WOW!!)...and, they are soo cute! well, he is soo cute. i do like the one of us...but the ones of him are sooo adorable. i will have my mom scan one and upload share!

its 9:20pm on sunday night. i think ill go watch some tv and relazx. i emailed a-dog my "feelings". ill let you all know the verdict when i get it. please pray for me. i mean, i dont want to get all dramatic, but this is really big. and really important. and dear, just hope he feels the same?! eek!

until tomorrow :) haha....xox

ive gone to carolina in my mind...

this song now has a whole new meaning to me! haha!! :) ive always loved james taylor, and while listening to him last night this song brought me right back to last weekend in SC. i have to admit, i have had a bit of a hard time with missing him since i got home and this song was perfect.

i want to take a minute and thank ali for chatting yesterday. im pretty sure we could talk for days..weeks even, if it werent necessary to do anything say, live!! haha. we had to cut it off after a little more than an hour (hehe, i decided i should probably help those pesky customers), but god damn, i love her. looooooooooooooooooooooooove. so thank al, you keep this little spaz-tastic chick in line. and sane. and clear-headed. and i know, i KNOW, thats not always easy...hehe. but we are a great pair. yes yes yes yes.

oh, and id like to give my brother a little blog shout-out. his advice for my daily life confusion is to "follow my head". thanks bro...i love you. you know how crazy i can make myself... a little no frills advice is perfect.

ok, off to daydream...err, i mean, work. happy sunday!!

PS, enjoy the oscars tonight. alfy (hehe) just texted me about it, should be fun!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

la la la

dont you just hate it when you see pictures youve taken and they dont seem nearly as cute as you thought they did in your head. god, i hate that.

*anyway, random rant now out of the way. moving on...

there are days where i feel like i have "it" figured out. i have ideas about where i want to work, live and do. i strongly believe that its not really where you are, but with who, or why. i learned a long time ago (college) that you will keep in touch with the people you choose to despite distance. flick and i are still best friends and have conquered all sorts of distance, etc. i have the same core best friends from HS...and over the holidays we all hung out so often, and it was amazing. nothing seemed to change. the guys and the girls.

that said, i am entering a new phase of my life where i am thinking about my future. maybe marriage, maybe kids. and that means sacrificing things. like maybe moving/uprooting soon. starting over in a new city. why cant life be easy (just this once) and what i feel be completely reciprocated by said boy.

for the better part of my life i have been completely boy crazy. quite frankly i still am...and i hope i never lose part of that...the fun, easy-going feeling that i can flirt with people (casually, of course). but now, i have met someone who in my own way, have fallen for. for the first time in my life (at least in the most recent years), i see something with him. i mean, i totally see it. a future, settling down, building a life. WOW! this is not a phase for me, im not seeing this as a fling. these feelings are different. "we" are different. what happens if he doesnt feel the same?

(to be i totally need to talk to this boy about his intentions.....)

Friday, February 20, 2009

a few thoughts (gotta clear up some space in my brain)...haha

sold a jumpsuit yesterday. yes, thats right, you read that i sold a jumpsuit. HAHA! i am sorry, i appreciate trends and peoples tastes...but i must be missing something. i am just not sure where you would wear it. but, i am happy to sell it. im pretty much game to sell anything...package up some tin foil, wrap a bow around it, and hope to sell it. yep, anything for a dollar. haha.

i am hoping to have an important converstation with aaron asap. i need to know a few things...i just really hope i dont freak him out and lose what weve worked so hard for. my mom thinks this relationship is great...and shes always right about stuff like that, so im going with it. hahaa. but i really feel ready to figure out the next step. i just hope im not going to get my heart broken.

its been super windy here in lanc more in the past year than most. mom and i think dad is just playing outside and making it known he is there/here/everywhere. i like that thinking. granted, im not a total fan of wind (is anyone, really?!?!)...but thinking about it being dad...ill take it. :)

happy friday! ill be back to write more later :) xoxo

Thursday, February 19, 2009

i love family

uncle dwight and aunt kathie just stopped in to say hi!! they are passing through PA en route to see dwight in NYC and came to see us at work. sooooo great.

it was funny showing them around the store and having a laugh at some of the stuff that alyssa has bought for us recently. we just got in some jumpsuits (?!?!), a denim tank top (!?!) and a pink beach cover up (!?!). yess, i am serious. i was thinking id wear the jumpsuit for the fashion show coming us just for kicks since its just so ridiculous. haha...too much.

when they came in this morning, aunt kathie showed us pictures of uncle dwights breakfast at lindon diner. 2 full plates of eggs, bacon, toast, etc. the picture was hilarious...and yet, so fitting for uncle dwight!! (what i mean is, this is not the first time this has occurred. however, i had the priveledge to be there the last time!!)

they both look great. it was so fun to see them. i always get so happy around family. they make me feel like i can do anything. "see you in LA" is what aunt kathie said to me before she went to go take a nap with uncle d and gamma. so yes, i hope so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me! (well, in my head he does). or at least my dreams.

its a pretty freakin complicated thing, love is. especially in the beginning where you are trudging your way through feelings and emotions that you want explained. you want to talk about certain things, but not scare off the boy at the other end of the conversation. you want to know he thinks of you like you think of him. you want him to want you.

aaron is that for me right now. i just see it working. things he has said, things i feel, things we do, things i say, etc. it feels right. i just need to convince him of the same...any suggestions. drug him?! haha just kidding.

he texted me earlier that he got the worst fever last night, and felt awful. i told him he was going through hilary withdrawal/detox. haha. yes, id like to think im right. he really liked my magazine spread...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

welllll, hopefully we will figure it out. again, to be continued....

that screaming you hear...its my arteries

pizza, fries, nachos, wine and cheesecake. yea...and that was just friday night dinner. soo, if you get word of me in the hospital due to a heart attack, dont be surprised. haha, just kidding.

south carolina was a ball. it was great to see aaron and hang out for a few days and watch some tennis. however, it was FREEEEEEEEEEZING!!!!!!!!!! i think the high was in the 40's. brrrr. i was under the impression that it was going to be at least in the 60's. i was sadly mistaken. so i pretty much wore the same thing all weekend.

i journaled the trip while i was flying, so im a little tired to blog too too much, but i have to say, it was hard to come home. when aaron dropped me off at the airport (well, after he walked me in and kissed me goodbye...twice, hehe), i cried. im not talking a little twinkle in the eye...or a tiny tear. i called my mom and nicole, and cried. it really hurt me to leave him. i was so bummed.
the future has yet to be figured out. id like to take a minute and thank all of my friends and family who told me to shut up and go on the trip (haha, although noone actually came out and said it like that). i know i was a nervous wreck...and i am glad i went.

i really hope we can work this out. fingers crossed for us! (to be continued....)

Friday, February 13, 2009

a bunch of updates

i finished george andersons book this AM. i had purposely taken a few days off from reading is such an emotionally heavy book that i really needed to step away from it. it ended on an amazingly light note. the last few chapters talked about hope, living life in spite of loss and tradegy, and a bit of a question-and-answer section. he explains that our loved ones might be physically gone, but they love to hear from us and love for us to pray, and are never truly "gone". how beautiful. i truly feel like my dad is around and i love that...this book was a really nice, albeit difficult, read. i recommend it to anyone that needs perspective. i certainly cant have enough of that...haha, right drew!??! hahaha.

i leave tomorrow morning for hilton head to spend 4 days with aaron. went to bed last night and woke up today with unbelievable pressure in my head and horrible sore throat. awesome. haha. i was reminded by some best friends and family that these nerves i am feeling were also expressed when i went to LA in july. how funny that i forgot. hehe. (more on that when i get back....). but thank you for those on the opposite end of my trials and tribulations. DEAR GOD! haha.

the magazine launch party was last night. i have to say, id love for my dad to be here to see it. i think hed be soo proud. humored, if nothing else. i am in the magazine 4 times. whew! theyre whoring me out! haha just kidding. i cant wait for us to send out copies and get all your opinions.
ok, back to work for this chick. ill check back later! XOXO

Thursday, February 12, 2009

the sounds of sirens

as i was leaving my apt this morning an ambulance was whizzing by. its siren was soo soo loud and it totally made me lose my focus and drop my keys as i was locking my door.

see, ever since i rode in the ambulance that took my dad from our house at bent creek, i have always flashed back to that morning when i hear the siren or just see one driving around. en route to hospice i had no idea just how much my life was about to change. call it naivetee (spelling??!), but i thought he'd get checked and come home. i guess i dont need to go into what actually happened......

anyway, so just one of those things now i guess. so funny how certain sights, sounds and smells bring back memories (for better or for worse). i also find myself looking in the front to see if i know the driver or passenger, if maybe they are the same people that i drove with. granted, i cant realllllly see in...they are either driving too fast, im driving and cant really stare, or just cant see in tooo well. but i do always try, and i do always smile thinking about them. the driver and passenger with me were miraculous, and hugged me soooo much that day. i think they knew how sad and serious this situation was, and they comforted me beyond what they will ever know.

oh life. how crazy you are. :)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

here it is...the first look at my magazine ad

this is one of the pictures being featured in fine living lancaster magazine. i am told it will be a full page ad....haha!! and we are using it as one of the pictures on a billboard here. so without further adue...

ok, so its stupidly small...sorry, it wont upload better than that. AH! but it will be better in pring anyway...ha, omg it makes me laugh.

birds chirping

im pretty sure as i was getting ready this morning i heard some birds chirping. oh holy geez, thats gotta mean spring, right?! haha i sure hope so! its supposed to be a beautiful day today…which makes it hard to be inside, but ill take it! its amazing what a little sun can do for ya, you know.

and rachel, after reading your comment to my previous post, i had to comment back…the chocolate deal you make for drew sounds perfect for him!!!!!!! in fact, it made me smile…and think of him. it just sounded so drew…the boy will most definitely love it…death by chocolate is his motto.

it sounds like you guys have a fun weekend planned. (always fun to see the rents,i know). haha…yea, im interested to see what aaron and i do, if anything. dinner im sure. i got him a funny card, but with me flying down, i didnt get a present (yet…?). haha. i cant wait to fill you in on gossip…i truly hope it goes swimmingly. his ex-gf has been facebooking him a lot lately, which is totally pissing me off. shouldnt i guess, but it does.

anyway, happy hump day all! the mag launch party is tomorrow night, so get ready for your mags to come shortly!! love you all xoxo

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

spring is in the air

omg, so many things are happening right now. first of all, nothing makes this chick happier than lighter days and warmer weather. it is completely mood enhancing :) haha. i totally do not belong in cold.

also, we just got the picture proofs for the magazine and billboard i will be on. oh holy jeez, i cant wait to share it with all of you.

only a few days until i fly to south carolina to see aaron. i like him a lot, but am a little apprehensive about this trip. im not sure if its due to the heaviness of what is happening in my life right now with dad, or the fact that ive had so much time to think about it that i am nervous, or a healthy mix of the two. we are going to be sharing a hotel room for 4 days, so were going to be like a married couple for a while...haha, made me laugh yesterday. i think hes excited...dear god, i hope he is. eek! i get in on valentines day, so i hope its special :) i will keep you all posted on how i feel about it closer to the time...i may need some moral support!!!!

my ex boyfriend and his buddies are joining in the SF half marathon...they want to wear shirts in support for my dad. so rach and drew, we totally need to make shirts!!! WOOO!!!!!!!

hope life is going well for everyone...rach, what are you and drew doing for valentines day?? xoxo

Monday, February 9, 2009

the 1-year mark

i do not think we could have had a better year anniversary for dad if we tried. having drew and rachel join us for the day was inredible. i love those two so much its silly. we looked at pics and watched a video of last thanksgiving which was just about the funniest thing i have seen in a while (so thank you for that guys!!)

aside from the perfect company, i think the day was spent really well. it wasnt super super sad or dramatic, but really special and easy. it was fun to celebrate my dad, knowing how great a life he was, without going over-the-top in terms of tears. (lord knows we have enough of that every other day, haha).

its hard to believe its been a year. i was joking with my mom about how i think i was in a fog 98% of this past myself a few days in there where i felt something other than numbness. i think there were a few normal days in there...maybe not. really, i dont know.

i want to thank everyone for their love and support each and every day. we all got incredible flowers from aunt martha, cori and gamma jane and i got numerous phone calls and letters from friends and family. the cherry on the cake was spending the day with some of my most special and favorite peoplein the world!!!

...and rach, you work on fattening up drew...apparently he needs a gut. haha. ;) love you

Saturday, February 7, 2009

great start to the weekend...

and i hope it continues to be this way. mom and i went to yoga this morning and sweat out all our tension and bad thoughts. briala (the teacher) really spent time having us relax, close our eyes and think about life. she told us we are perfect the way we are and the practice of yoga isnt to learn what isnt right with our bodies, but how to live within ourselves and be present in the world. everything she said (as yogi as she is...and though i love her, she is a total yogi) it was the perfect thing mom and i needed to hear. this is a stupidly difficult weekend with more than enough room to feel shitty. thanks briala, you started the day amazingly.

we almost didnt go to yoga this AM though. we got home from the movie last night at 10 and were tired. it was a 2 hour and 10 minute movie. long sucker (omg, we had to pee sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad at the end, haha). the audience was like one big high school classroom. soooo funny. i think my mom liked the movie way more than me...and i thought shed hate it. it was cute. fluffy. easy. you know...nothing to mind tazing, nothing profound. just easy boy-girl humor. mom even commented on how "complicated you have it dating, hil"...hahaha. true, but funny.

got home from yoga to a flower delivery at my door. aunt martha, aunt cori and gamma jane sent flowers. thank you girls!!!!!!! they are soooooooo beautiful...multi-colored daisies. sooo simple and young and totally me. absolutely gorgeous and i am so thankful. love you guys!

so back to work...cant wait to see rach and drew tomorrow. we might try out this dark park nearby for emmitt. and we will be remembering dad all day. (visit his site, etc). xoxo

Friday, February 6, 2009

movie night

tonight after work mom and i are going to go see "hes just not that into you". i have been so excited to see this movie since i saw the first trailor for it like a million years ago. should be a nice way to detox from the week...and prepare for the working weekend and anniversary of dad. i think bradley cooper is adorable and i just cant wait to see him, haha.

the following weekend "confessions of a shopoholic" comes out, so i think i wanna catch that too. though, i must say, the preview didnt really entice me. so i take that back.

what cracks me up about tonight is that i dont think my mom is super excited about the movie as a whole as much as a way for her to just laugh a little. i think shes going for the popcorn. much like my uncle dwight, she will never watch a movie without it in the theater. she LOOOVES it. its her favorite "dinner" hahahaha. its a 2 hour movie, which shocked thought it would be shorter, but as long as its entertaining im good.

ill be back with a watch this space :) ha

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

the to-do list you can actually do

courtesy of real simple magazine (given to me by gamma one random day), this is a practical to-do list for those of us that are super obsessive about them. they keep me sane...i love them...and this one is just humorous. if you have ever added something on your to-do list that was super easy to do just so you could cross it off, you will love this.

* hit snooze
* shampoo; rinse; repeat
* forget to floss
* eat bagel
* forget to put laundry in the dryer. clothes can be permanently
pressed (whatever that means) tomorrow
* screen phone calls
* see mailman coming and realize Netflix and bills are still on the
kitchen counter
* get sucked into a movie on lifetime
* grow anxious as Meredith Baxter (Birney?) murders the dad
from 7th Heaven
* put off remaining duties while readng celebrity gossip
* decide for yourself "who wore it best"
* skip pilates
* eat a burrito
* pick up The World is Flat on nightstand
* read paragraph. put book down
* leave eye makeup on
* lights out

haha, nothing is ever that funny/easy/worthless. but humorous and entertaining it is. and i have to be honest, i am guilty of a few of those things in my everday life. but god bless to-do lists :)

Monday, February 2, 2009

it all (really) started 2 years ago...

today, february 2nd, marks the anniversary of my dads cjd diagnosis (in 2007). 2 years ago today we were told the most devastating news i could have ever imagined. only 3 months into my new job in philadelphia at urban outfitters, i felt like my life was over. being away from my dad felt back to lanc i came. these past two years have been the most sickening, hurtful, humorous, enlightening, and all-around surreal years. we experience things in our lives that color our journey. i know i am stronger and more resilient than i ever knew. i have seen love in ways i never knew were possible. i have seen and felt tears and laughter that fill my heart. i have so many people that hep me through life...i hope i do the same for them.
i find myself thinking of my dad all the time. sometimes i find it too difficult to glance at the pictures i have in my apt or on my fridge...sometimes his beaming face is just too much. i did, however, bring a few pictures to work with me today to keep my by my side. i spent the morning looking at pictures...i felt it was a good way to ease the enormity of the day.

i love being a daughter. being a sister is amazing too (especially with you DRE DAWG!!!), but i miss being the daughter to my dad. most of all i miss the future for him (and me). i miss all the things we would have done, what we would see each other accomplish. i miss his spirit, his strength, his ambition, his humor, his heart. i miss him. i dont want to simply list his qualities...he was/is more than that...but those are just a few of the things that made him my dad.

i still cant believe any of these past two years happened. bereavment is a bitch. total bitch. grieving a loss is shitty. but i do believe that the reason it hurts so bad is because we had it so good. thank you for everything dad, i love you. xoxo

Sunday, February 1, 2009

go cardinals!!!!!

i have had some sort of hatred for the steelers all my life. i can not explain it, i just do. they are just that team that i have no interest in. them and the flyers. being a native pennsylvanian its kinda weird i guess, but im ok with that. haha.

they are in the super bowl today. against the cardinals. i have so much LOVE for i must say my heart is with them today. granted we are working all day, but i hope to catch some of the game later. (and i hope the commercials are cool. my faves are the e*trade commercials...the baby is soooo funny!!!!)

and what has happened to the halftime show?!?! i know a ton of people love bruce springstein...not me. its not fun anymore. thank you janet jackson and justin guys sucked it up, and it has sucked ever since.

its a little warmer today, thank god! i see the light at the end of the winter tunnel of hell. haha.

(ok, countdown to see aaron: 13 days...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - had to sneak that in there!!

read all about it

my mom recently gave me the book "walking in the garden of souls" by legendary medium george anderson. she didnt me the impression that she looooved it, but i thought id give it a shot. we have very differing ideas of what we consider"good books" so its always amusing when we read the same books.

its a very heavy read. i am only able to read 2 chapters at a time before i need to take a break. its a very emotional, spiritual, soul book. its amazing though. i find a lot of similar persective to what he says in terms of bereavment being a "one step forward, two steps back" process, finding a new "normal", etc. i like that he explains that even though he communicates with the souls, he has no advantages in life in terms of lessons learned, or the ability to better his life. he cant create a million dollars for himself. he cant avoid failure, loss or torment. he cant succeed at everything. and he certainly isnt privvy to any answers we "normal" people arent. he communicates with the souls the way andy roddick plays tennis, or my uncle tackles a court case: its his job. his talent. his way of life. his purpose. its fascinating really.

we are thinking about doing a session with him. they last about an hour, in person or by phone. the fact that he lives in NY, we are thinking of doing it by phone. i really think it would be incredible.

i cant relate to everything in the book and i dont like reading about certain things, but overall i am enjoying it. i am aout half way done and will check back when i am done.

hope everyone has a great super bowl sunday!!!!!!!! go cardinals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!