Sunday, May 31, 2009

wow. didnt see that coming

mom, gamma and i road-tripped it out to see the new hospice facility today. they were having an outdoor ceremony to honor those who have been lost this year, as well as let us all know that the bricks that have been bought within the year are now done, and ready. aunt martha, gamma jane, and aunt cori had one made, so we wanted to see it (pics to come later....)

we were told he was brick #243, so we walked over to it. as soon as i saw his name i lost it. honestly, it was a beautiful day, i was with family and we were all having a great day. i really didnt anticipate getting emotional like that. mom and i both broke down in tears.

something about seeing his name makes it so powerful and real. i managed to get myself into "hil-suck-it-up-and-be-strong" mode so that mom could be ok. why? i mean, really....why? why is he gone? none of it makes sense. but i do realize that as we have been grieving, we have done it really well. noone went off the rails...and i will say, in all honesty, it does happen. i can see how you could lose it. dad would never, NEVER want that for us, so we wont.

as we sat on the bench and mom and i were talking, i felt such a sense of pride. i am so proud of her, of me, of us. i am so proud to be who i am, and am so lucky i surround myself with people that allow me to be me. i am enough. none of us are perfect, but we are a team. i am so close with my mom, but in honor of my dad - i will say this. there will never be anyone like him. he had sparkle. i live it everyday, and make sure i have it in my heart. even now, im getting teary.

cheers dad. you are one in a million. i hope you are having a hot dog and beer today, in this warm weather! i hope you are laughing at mom and i, and all that we do. i hope you are proud. and i hope that i become even a small fraction of what you were. i got the greatest compliment the other day. a women that knew you, but not me really, said "omg! you look just like your dad. just like him" OH HOT DAMN!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSS! i practically squealed in delight. i am most definitely your daughter....SAAAWEEET!

Friday, May 29, 2009

dont know how they did it...

but they did. thanks mom and dad (and drew). my family has the amazing ability tomake me feel so good about myself. sure, they kicked my ass when i needed it...and made me run through a cramp even though it hurt. but at the end of the day, even if i felt ugly or stupid or bored or confused, they put things in perspective for me. when i get in funks, and feel empty that dad is gone (!&^@!%!%%!@!@!), i find that talking to these two people work wonders. i also enjoy reading proverbs, or cliches. these sayings serve to remind me of the simple thoughts my dad used to use with me. they remind me that sometimes just reading feel-good sayings are enough to bring a smile to my face. and if that doesnt work comedy central is great. or vodka. hahahahaha.....

for no particular reason i listed a few below. just cause. enjoy. oh, and if youre bored, let me know what sayings or things make you smile....

*success is not the key to happiness. happiness is the key to success. if you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

*nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. (that counts for getting drunk, being boy-crazy, staying up wayy too late with friends......etc)

*people do not care how much you know, till they know how much you care!

*if you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places. (how cute!!)

*only boring people get bored. (amen)

*the man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

*we never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (if even that, right?! haha)

*if you have the desire, you are halfway there.

*sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. (yep, thanks dad)

so, thanks family. i love you guys. obviously it extends way past my mom, dad and brother. i have the most amzing friends and extended family. i really do. i want you all to know how thankful i am. i hope i do the same for you as you do for me. i would be so honored.

on a lighter note, i went in for an interview with abercrombie and fitch today...aaaand um, yea, i already fell in love. GO BOY-CRAZINESS!! i still got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

la la land...

mom and i are flying to cali to surprise my grandfather for fathers day. should be fabulous!! we land at the airport at 5:30...he arrives at 7. so, we'll piddle around, and shock him! i cant wait!!!

while there, mom and i are planning on doing some hardcore playing. were talking partying in LA, drinks, dinners and dancing. and most certainly meeting up with lots of friends!!!! cant wait.

ok, im off for an interview at abercrombie. wish me luck :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

life is beautiful

i am updating my blog while rocking out to a mix of john mayer, eve 6 and guster. totally bringing me back to high school summers, and fun nights with my faves...a perfect setting to blog!

lets see here...i am busy whoring out my resume to e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e in new york. ive got a couple things im really hoping for, so if/when i hear anything i will share. (please, GOD, if youre reading this...!). this warm weather solidifies how much i think the city will be good for me. mom, gamma and i went out to lunch, got ice cream and went for a fun! days like that are so great. (except...the more i think about it, that pint of java ice cream and box of cookies i pounded was...well, absolutely necessary. and i stand by it. hahaha). i noticed today that there opening a new restaurant called "hot diggity dog"...god, how id love to take dad there. hot dog paradise.

a guy friend of mine asked me out to lunch last night (for today), but got wasted and called me at 3pm today apologizing that he had just gotten up. hahahahah i love him, but that is just ridiculous. i tried calling him at noon, he didnt pick up, so i went with mom and gamma. we are guilty of that behavior still too, so i find it funny. so, lunch another day :) haha. only now i have a reason to make him pay, right?! :):)

cant wait to plan the trip to SF when drew gets back from italia. made a deal with uncle dwight that we will be wearing stanford tshirts. he donated money with that as the catch. i think its hilarious, and the perfect cherry on top for this trip. just perfect.

visited dads site the other night. i needed a little chat with him. with the weather being so nice and warm, and the flowers blooming, it was beautiful. i just cant believe he is no longer with us. i really hope i find a guy like him someday. i really do. i hate to say it, but i wish my last boy had worked out better. ohh grr. the thing that truly kills me is that hes ok with never talking to me again. i just wish it wasnt/isnt that easy for him. my feelings were real...what the hell. i just hope i meet someone like dad. he was so special.

happy memorial day! more updates tomorrow :).......

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

on a mission

i started a bid to raise at least $1000 in dads honor for the san francisco half marathon on his birthday (july 26th) of this year. to date i have raised $225. i am asking for donations of $13.1 in honor of the race being 13.1 miles. hopefully you, or people you know, are able to help me out!!
(see payment information/directions below):
thanks, in advance!!! or

and if youre in the area, please please join us for the race!!

bridgette bardot circa 2009

well, here it is. my second photo spread with fine living lancaster magazine. it was a rock-n-roll shoot, where i was made to look like bridgette bardot. i think the picture is fun. hahaha...oh, dad would be so proud...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

i am a committment-phobe.

there. i said it.

i dont like to commit myself to one thing...i dont like to feel boxed in.
be it with a job, boys, bars, or restaurants.

i like to always keep my eyes open. not so much of a "grass is greener"
thought, cause, well, im usually a pretty satisfied and happy person, but
just as an ambitious professional. i like to feel educated, ready for anything.

god damn. annoying though. so, thats why, boys, i tire out from you so easy.
i want the next one. and, why, even at current jobs, im always looking. i am
not a "ok, im settled" individual. apparently i like to keep myself stressed out and
confused. thats awesome. i will be going gray at age 28.

ps, id like to live my life a lot like bethenney from "real housewives of nyc"
know her, love her. i see a lot of me in her. (hopefully the really rich part). HA!

my kitties are gone.
jackie came and picked them up tonight. oh my god, i teared up after she left. those boys were mine for the year and a half. what the freak?! oh my god. i will never see them again. i am so confused and scared and sad about so many things in life. i feel like i have no direction, no clue, no idea what i am doing. no idea. no god damn fucking idea.

my main i stay in lanc, or do i go to new york city. i am very skilled in playing devils advocate. i can tell you why lancaster rocks and new york would suck. i could do the exact opposite. so, where does that leave me. i have no fucking idea. NO FUCKING IDEA. i want a roommate, but i also like my schedule. i like space to work out, sleep and watch tv. but i like being around people. no wonder they say women are complicated.

the biggest issue for me is that the "so, what do you want to do" question is wayyyy too limiting. i want to be involved in marketing, advertising, maybe some modeling, ETC. just like when i was in college and every 5 seconds i got the "what do you want to study" question....there are limitless choices, so why are you making me choose. quite frankly, i think im damn talented enough to multi-task. that, and i have severe ADD, so i have to be doing 5 things anyway. find me a great company (about damn time, no?) haha, and i will fit right in.

so, id appreciate any and all advice. thaanks.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

george zink made him do it

so theres a track meet going on today.
as mom and i were talking to a friend of ours,
a runner ran to the grass and totally spewed
enough lunch that im pretty sure he threw up
food he ate 10 years ago.

george would be proud (right DREW!!!!!!)hahaha......

im so weird

ha, omg, i am such a strange bird. my dad was right. haha. its pretty typical for me to just think random thoughts (pretty much constantly) and the other night (amidst this insane process of finding a damn apartment and job in new york city) i thought how funny of a word "blogger" is. it sounds like a swear word the english would use! haha.


i had a blast in nyc last weekend. we really lucked out with was beyond hot, but i loved it. it was fun going to restaurants, the park, walking the brooklyn bridge, checking out union square and hoboken (only for a party) and different bars. and boozy brunch! what a trip!!!! i slept in ali's apt on an air matress. it was like an extended sleepover...haha, staying up until 3am chatting, scarfing cookies and peanut butter, changing clothes 67 times and sharing clothes and makeup. yep, pretty typical us. and only just the beginning. im heading to the city with mom (and ali and her mom) this coming saturday to check out a few places. fingers crossed!!!!!!

seems ive got a lot of updating to do...more later!