Saturday, December 31, 2011

hello from midtown

ehh i know the quality isnt great but thats my view tonight. well, every night really. in the 3 months i have lived here there has only been one night i closed my blinds and it was on my birthday. i got home at 5am and thought closing them would keep out the sun. im pretty sure at 5am nothing matters. i slept fine.

well, were entering the new year and i have a new crush!  there always has to be one (really, five) right?!? ;) happy new year!

hello 2012!!

a few of my last posts have been posted out of order. getting back into this blogging thing left me so excited i started about 3 posts and forgot to post them!

here we are. new years eve! this is as good an opportunity as any to once again appreciate where i live, my friends and family. i live about 5 blocks from times square. i walk by it on my way to work and glance up at the big ball thats going to drop tonight (which, by the way, is super small, but shh i wont kill the dream) and that seems insane. as a kid i fondly remember visiting this place and being amazed by all the lights, the noise, the movement. now that i live here its sometimes hard not to get annoyed with the tourists, traffic and lack of privacy.

im thrilled about starting a new year. 2011 was a good one and i hope for more of the same in 2012. i dont really make outlandish resolutions, i will exercise 5 hours everyday! i will dress to the nines everyday! i will only eat kale! i wont be obsessed with boys! so i just want health and happiness to those that i love.

i couldnt anything better than going for a run wearing shorts SHORTS!! december 31st. please god, let this be a foreshadowing of what is going to be a mild winter. haha that picture is ridiculous, i know. but i think my blog lacks pictures and lacks amusement so im attempting to post pictures (regardless of how silly or imperfect) to help tell my stories. i really am going to wear that running and im ok with that.

im off to impress those walking on park avenue. im pretty sure they will be coveting this entire outfit after i pass them. "dear, i must have that! she looks stunning!"


i am hoping to start my christmas day in a way i think would make my dad very proud, not to mention Jesus...starbucks. (theres no way these guys can have a time off right...right?!).

edited to add: starbucks is NOT OPEN on christmas day. i was not happy for, i think im addicted, but i was happy for those that work at starbucks...i guess its not run by overly caffenated nazi's. who knew??!

this AM we are heading to hospice to volunteer to serve christmas dinner. with the candlelight church service last night, hospice today and way WAY too much candy being eaten i am on the verge of tears, but im holding it together. something about crying with strangers screams WEIRDO and i am not about to do that.

yesterday mom and i went to king of prussia to do a bit of for-fun shopping. despite everyones attempts as wooing us away (itll be crazy! wow youre nuts! why would you do that!) we had a ball. i wont lie, i thought everyone would be right...that it would have been a madhouse, but it wasnt bad.

i almost cheated.

i debated starting a new blog. i was looking to start fresh and thought i wanted a clean blog to do it with, but then i thought why? my life is messy and it has a past so if people read back on the past few years thats ok.

so im back from christmas break. it was lovely to be home :) while i cant live there quite yet, there is something so safe and happy about being home. i guess thats why its home :)

this year helping out with christmas dinner at hospice was super difficult. the moment we arrived i had a raging headache. i felt heavy and oddly sad. while food was heating up in the ovens i ventured down the hall to my dads room. i stood by the door to look in (i didnt want to go in since someone was in there) and just stood still. memories of those 7 days came flashing back to me. i stood there outside the very room where i lost my dad. i thought i had gotten to a place where i could be ok with all those memories, but i dont think that will ever be true. after a few minutes i walked back toward the kitchen as mom was walking toward me. i broke down as she hugged me so tight.

"mom, i need a minute. i didnt know this was going to happen"
"hil, take all the time. i am so proud of you"

even writing this is tough. i cant imagine fighting this battle with anyone other than my mom. she is so supportive of those mini breakdowns and i am so thankful for her. i helped a bit longer and ran home. my head was so heavy and hurt from holding back so much emotion that i knew a run was the only thing  that could help me. i cranked up my headphones to a pretty deafening level and ran home. it wasnt super long, about 30-40 minutes or so, but man, it felt good.

ok, on to happier things :)...

say hi to buddy!!

we are dog sitting this week. pramila's cousin couldnt take the dog to chicago so he's with us. his name is buddy and he is some sort of mixed, you can probably help me with this. its SO fun having a little guy here to take care of. it wouldnt be the kind id choose for myself, but thats ok. i will admit the 10 degree weather we had the other day did not make for a happy hilary walking him but thats ok. something about me learning to dress appropriately for winter will help im sure :)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

hello bloggie!!!

wow. it is december 4th my friends and i have severely neglected my blog.

so much has been going on in the past 6 weeks. i moved. i ran a mud run. ive been on a million dates. i think ive slept a total of 10 hours. ive had a lot of wine. i have fallen in love with 56040845 boys. ive dyed my hair dark then light then back to dark again. ive laughed...a lot. ive kissed a few frogs, and seen a few celebs.

i now live in hells kitchen with 3 friends. its a great pad...were having a lot of fun.

more updates to come i promise...this was just a teaser.

Friday, July 29, 2011

the weekend of september 30 might actually kill me

last night katie, ali and i went to a movie on the water (outdoor movie screen on the water) and while snacking on the most delicious popcorn, candy and chocolate we talked about doing the down and dirt mud run 10K

i am moving September 30/October 1
i am running a 10K mud run October st2nd

2 things that very much need their own weekend. im doing it at once. i am a girl of extremes.

i am running it with a few besties. theres a chance we might die. going down smelling like mud and being covered in sweat is exactly how id like to go out.

Monday, July 25, 2011

the big guy has a birthday tomorrow

its like clockwork...grief, i mean. you find yourself experiencing times where the heaviness of what you have lost doesnt seem to be the focus of your thoughts. other times you find tears are a mere word, though, memory or pictre away. grief is a funny thing. it cant be cured, and it cant be stopped. if i am being optimistic, i might even go so far as to say grief represents just how great something once was in your life that you just cant imagine life without it.

that was dad. i know he is all around me, and sending me signs when he can. i just dont get it tho...death. what?! in the same sense that its SO easy to gain weight, its SO easy to just die. poof. over.

id like to think he'll be up there munching on some cake and dancing all around the room. though he was a bit on the shyer side, he could definitely shake it! especially when provoked :) haha, youre welcome dad. id personally request "our" songs (we had a handful) and just laugh until i keeled over.

58. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! i know im a few hours early, but your birthday deserves the exctra time.
my dad would have looked great at 68. 78. 88. 98. he totally could have made it to 98. i bet he would have still had a 6-pack..and been tan and agile. and probably still working. crazy he was :)

this week has been mentally tough in regards to my dads birthday. its amazing what living in the most magical city, with the most magical friends can do to a girl. while i have my days of blahs, where i just cant find the point in what happened no matter how hard i try, more often than not, im ok. i want my dad to be proud, and i have a lot to live for, so i ultimately am not going to sit at home and wallow in the depths of dispair. hed cringe if he knew i was sad.

my dad's smile could light up a room. my dad could break down all my girly annoyances and make me feel beautiful. he ran with me. he actually thought i was a pretty cool person. he listened to the backstreet boys in the car with me. we balanced it out with metallica, the foo fighters and coldplay, but he still let me have my silly girl music. and boys? he was a saint. he loved meeting boyfriends...(probably wanted to secretly have them killed), but he was so cool with all of them. he visited me throughout college. he believed in me...even when i didnt feel he had a reason to. he never once complained in front of me how hard he had to work, how tired he was, or how sick he felt. he never complained out loud about fat days, annoying people or stupid, trivial shit. we gosspied in our own world, but he never let me feel like the world was a big, scary, tough place. i joked with him about girl problems, makeup and falling in love (it happened a lot). haha. he was there when i had a pregnancy scare at 13 (you dont want to know. but its cool, ali had one too). WE ARE WEIRD. he was there for all the bruises, scars and soccer games. he was there as a friend, a dad, a coach and a superhero.

if you are still reading this, whoa. congrats. basically, writing is my therapy. i work through thoughts, and feelings that my  head is full of. i come to know this: while i may not be able to talk to or touch my dad, he is with me always. i am so much a part of him...i feel it, i know it, im told it.

so there ya have it folks. life is a day-by-day journey of ups and downs. its good, its bad, its happy and its sad. but its 100% worth it, 100% of the time. and if you ever think otherwise, spend a day with ali and i...we will make you happier than you thought possible :) oh, i guess some credit is due to prosecco. and chocolate. and boys. and sugar. and birthdays. and boys. get it.


i think that was the most perfect day of my life. if i could spend every day like yesterday, WHOA!
basically it included a movie, drinking, cute boys, lots of chocolate, sex and the city, shakespeare in the park, wedding shoe shopping, a snack-fest in starbucks underground, a trip to brooklyn library, a walk all over brooklyn, a hilarious heart-to-heart, a sunset stroll, ice cream cake, wedding chatter, more boys, grocery store sampling and dinner. ended with a shower and a true fight not to go to bed. but the day had to end.

ps, if you havent already, you must try frozen bananas covered in chocolate at TJ's. holy hell. DELISH!

and my friends, its back at work today. but its going to be a fun month ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


i felt it starting around 4:30pm. that familiar feeling that tears are just a moment away. i kept my focus at work, but it weakened a bit on the train. i pressed the + key on my ipod to increase the volume so that my head could focus on something else.

then, as i got off the train, it happened. i teared up. a phone call to mom was all i needed. i was in the grocery store loading up on candy and dinner for later, but she talked to me until i got home.

there are times where i just cant be strong. with dads birthday a week away, im feeling particularly vulnerable. i fear the hole that is left will never be filled...even in a small way, by a love of my own.

im scared for that. its funny, after my previous post about how magical some moments have been, im still human, and still fear im not enough for someone. i might not be pretty enough. or rich enough. or thin enough. or popular enough. i dont have my dad to tease me about my boy nonsense...haha, im sure hes up there with his head in his hands, being like "god, i just gotta tell her to relax"...

dad, i know what youd tell me. and i want to believe it, i do. mom says it too. (and we all know shes always right)...i just am not convinced. but, mom knows best so ill trust her on this one :)

thanks for getting me through today mom. its me and you on this journey and im really lucky you let me be me and are there for me. its pretty cool how were weak and strong at exact opposite times.

ohh life, you are so hard and complicated, sad and cruel sometimes. but dad, i know youre up there looking down. and i know we will be ok. right?! a sign would be nice :) haha. im overdue for one of those.

night all.

new york city

a lot of cool life moments have happened in new york, even before i started living here.
there is such a magic to this city...the lights, the pace, the energy.

with my dads 58th birthday upon us, i begin to take stock in my surroundings. id give anything, and i mean anything to have him back. even for one more day. i went back through herleys past headline news, and just relived some cool moments on behalf of my dad. he was a special dude. ill be completely honest with you bloggie, im not convinced i will find me one of those. whats scary is that i actually do want to to fall in love. for the first time, i actually think im ready for a real relationship. ive dated some amazing guys, no doubt, but in college i was playing around, and with aaron, well, my dad had just died and i couldnt completely focus on us when i was so newly grieving. ive met and dated a few boys in nyc, and its been fun. but i have yet to feel like i found "him"

the boy that i will end up with will be strong. he will be up for a fight, cause ill be honest, ill give him one (not even necessarily on purpose, mind you). he will know how to give me space, but also knock down my walls. he will be cute, of course, but in no specific way. i dont really have a type, i just know it when i know it.

i can count on one hand the number of times ive really, realllly liked a guy. i crush on everyone, but in this case, i mean like. the kind of like where you talk about the future, trips, moments and life. the kind of like where you introduce each other to friends and family. the kind of like where you attend personal ceremonies, family traditions and learn to have your own secret code. the kind of like where you no longer feel embarassed about things, but learn to love the imperfections that happen.

i wish i had met matt now. i loved him in college, but at 18, 19 and 20 i was not ready to hang with one guy. i went to school with 42,000 kids. all horny, and most hot. timing was just off. i still love him now, as he was my first love (sorry high school, you dont count), so he always has a piece of me. we still keep in touch, but we are sadly separated by 3000 miles.

a big part of my heart also belongs to aaron. what we share(d) (past, present and future) is something i really cherish. again, we both made mistakes, but were human. ive learned a lot since that relationship. our relationship spans cities states and time zones. i wouldnt deny a second shot with heart says its ok :)

in terms of peter. well, thats ones a question mark. we have chemistry, and hes totally adorable, hes just very gun shy. he apparently never goes after girls. thats tough, cause im not that shy, so i dont do well when the dude is shyer than me. we have a pretty drunk month of august planned, so im sure there will be updates.

aside from boys, im finding a good place within myself. i welcome junk food into my life, i enjoy cooking with friends, and i refuse to not eat something because it contains sugar, fat or a lot of calories. life tastes good, and it sure doesnt come weighing in at 80 pounds. i work out hard so i can think less about what i eat. hell, if my dad could eat M&Ms, ice cream, snickers and beef, and still have a six pack, im pretty sure i can too. and if a little sugar is going to help get me through a very stressful 12+ hour day, then so be it.

i like waking up without a plan. i like when brunch falls into place, when a movie date just presents itself or when a trip to the hamptons becomes totally necessary. i also love days when i have nothing to do but errands and a run. knowing i have a day to get shit done, run and get ready for a night out is bliss.

im psyched to move to hells kitchen. im psyched about my roomies and im psyched about double/triple dates. im excited about having people around...all.the.time. im excited to get ready to go out, to cook together and have slumber parties. woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

and hopefully throughout all of this, one of the 9.4 million people in this city will fall in love with me. i have my doubts, but its possible, right?! riiight?!?!

hopefully the rest of the work day will go by pretty uneventfully. sometimes you just need those kind of days.
especially since sara and i, once again, ate our way through duane reade's candy aisle. yum!

Monday, July 18, 2011

the magic of AC

i lasted long enough. my internal organs were about 6565656 degrees, and i knew it was time.
i finally got a window AC unit. holy hell, my life has vastly imroved. for fear of an energy bill, i dont keep it on much, usually just when i sleep, but WHOA! you cant live without AC, you just cant. its like the internet, its not a luxury, its a necessity.

on another note, saw harry potter last night. i have not read any of the books, and havent seen a single movie. im a sucker for hanging out with friends, and boys, so i went. OMG OMG OMG it was awesome!!!!!! i really loved it. had no idea. didnt see it coming. but go see it...NOW. its amazing.

ok back to work :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

its monday. im hot. and tired. and my brain was thinking random things...

1. When I hang out with my family and friends, I feel so happy and free and understood and cozy. I think I can eat whatever I want with them and not gain weight, and actually believe there are cool boys out there that like me! Basically what im saying is life is not nearly as cool or fun as when I am with my mom or friends. But I think we all knew that, right?!

2. Why is it that the guy you want to text you doesn’t, but the dude you don’t give a shit about won’t stop?

3. One of the most annoying things is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! And they always, ALWAYS sit in the seat right in front of me. Doesn’t he see I want to put my feet up? Happened Saturday night, haha!

4. What am I looking for? What do I ultimately want? I want my future husband to know BETTER than me! I want him to make me feel safe. I want him to be my best friend. I want him to ‘get’ me. to get ‘it’. I want him to be handsome, tall, sexy, funny, smart, a gentleman, loyal, and successful. I want to be fascinated by him. I want to respect him and believe in what he does. And vice versa. I want him to be the missing piece in my life, and add amazingness to my extended family. My parents wouldn’t want me to settle for anything less! It may sound like a lot…but its worth it!

5. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too good at being single, and that I won’t know how to make room for someone else in my life if/when I find them…or when he finds me?

Susie Kelley, Inc.

had an amazing weekend with mom! (and gamma!)

basically, we ate a lot of popcorn (yay movies, and sheetz), candy, and home cooked meals.
we rented a movie, went to see one, kicked ass in body pump and had an impromptu dance party (we even dougied!)

curious to know what else we did!? we launched Susie Kelley Art on Facebook. We created a fan page so that my mom can showcase her talent. She has entered an art show at the end of Septemeber (spread the word!) and we are now launching her full steam ahead. I am focused on being her business manager and being in charge of getting her name out there, grabbing freelance accounts, etc.

Susie Kelley, Inc. has been launched.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

hilary kelley in hells kitchen

i see a blog renaming in the future. hk in hk. HA!

the countdown to the big manhattan move has begun: 11 weeks.
ok so not a super scientific countdown, but im not that crazy. or bored enough to actually count the days.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

indepence day

as we approach july 4th, i cant help but think back a year ago when i was spending the 4th down in huntington beach, ca. ive thought about this a lot throughout the year, thinking about my year in LA verus my year (so far) in NYC.

im pretty happy that ive experienced life on both coasts. while i think im done with cali for a while, at least if i had to set a plan, i am happy i did it. my life is back east, and new york has been magic to my life. i get why it isnt for everyone...but it is for me. 

there is an energy here that is truly incredible. and the boys...whoa. east coast boys are so different than west coast boys, its pretty hilarious. though i do dig both, i am happy with my east coast options at the moment.

i am gearing up to move into midtown and out of brooklyn at the end of the summer. im moving to hells kitchen with 4 girls. yes, you can help, thanks for offering :)

two different cities, two different years. same person, crazy different experiences. i wish things could have turned out different with aaron, but i guess timing was off or something?! :) haha.

ok ok im babbling. im thinking about what i should do with my hair when i head home this month (i know, soooo important), im thinking about how great it will be to have monday off, and im thinking about boys. boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys.

ill be back later when i can focus. this is ridiculous.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

southampton reflection

im obsessed with the matching undies we cousins got this weekend. yes the world should think we are "so hot" when staring at our ass. in bright orange cotton.

im pretty impressed by how much we eat. yea, we rule.

we dom. plain and simple. and yes, dwight, you gay dom.

packing a cooler to sit on the beach and drink was one of the coolest moments ive had in a long time. there is nothing id rather do than hang out with family and play with puppies. with my toes in the sand.

...unless of course its crush on boys. whoa.

if you dont like hammonds pretzels there is something wrong with you. drew, i have no idea what happened to you. :) our family should own stock in that company. or be spokespeople. oo, business opp?

if you are out shopping and people are being pissy, laugh. and tell them that if spending the weekend in the hamptons is their idea of a rough life, they need to reevaluate a few things. having to stand in line at panera to order is no reason to be a bitch. lighten up lady. and get laid. (maybe she should have mozied on over to VS to get some saucy underwear).

watching you tube with family is by far the most hysterical thing you can do. EVER.

there are times when its completely appropriate to drink wine like water. and hit on cops. and break into friends houses and set of their alarm. and eat M&Ms for breakfast. and not shower for a day.

thank you nancy for an incredible pilates workout. holy hell you worked my body. we all walked around the weekend like 98 year old people. whoa.

this weekend heightened my need for a puppy. laura and i think a co-parenting will work :)
man oh man, there is nothing like puppy love.

i need a crush. a good one. suggestions/help welcome.

sometimes you just need your nails painted bright red. toes too.

homemade cupcakes really are the most amazing things on the planet. amazing job ali.

its funny how everything is better with family. youre having fun working out, you eat fun food without going crazy or overthinking it, you get to sit and drink on the beach reminiscing about life then and now, and you get to drink lots of wine laughing about everything imagineable. family makes life magical. you feel untouchable. i found myself looking around the room just being so happy at who was there.

you know your family is cool when they all admit to beiber fever.

its a good sign when you cant possibly fathom going to bed to spend one second away from family.

cant wait to do it all over again soon :) xoxo

Monday, June 27, 2011


yeaaa charlie sheen. you crazy bastard.

we have this thing at work called RDA cares where you volunteer to do a number of things to help. it can be cleaning up parks, donating clothes, donating time, etc. various prizes are given out sporadically, and this last time I WON! the gift could not have been more awesome (except if i had won an ipad2). i won $250 to the charity of my choice. yayyyy....lets cure CJD, baby!!!

we dom (this will continue to make me laugh until the day i die)

this past weekend was AWESOME!!!!. laura, dwight and i drove out to the hamptons fri night, and hilarity insued immediately. one of the best road trips i have had in a long time! i swear, you can see ANYTHING in new york city. so much so, that i feel confident saying that if you havent seen it in nyc, it doesntt exist.

fast forward to arrive in southampton. we had been texting and chatting with everyone en route, so it was fun to finally arrive. we were greeted with the hugest hugs and laughter! and we met baby leroy!!! obsessed.
uncle andy had pizza ordered by the time we arrived so we got right to grubbing. while sitting and eating, we were laughing about so much stuff and having an awesome time. there was a knock on the door so uncle andy went to go answer it. he announced that the pizza guy was back cause he had forgotten to leave one of the pies. dwight was so funny and was like "hope its hawaiian!!" we look up in pizza anticipation and in walks DREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the night before uncle andy had emailed me trying to get drew to come surprise mom but when i called him he said no, he just couldnt do it. sneaky boys, very sneaky. of course mom cried. then we ate cupcakes.

the night was spent just enjoying good wine, food, and family. and 6 pounds of hammonds pretzels. this crew can put it away :)

we woke up to fruit and bagels, coffee and puppies!!

just want to give a big THANK YOU to everyone this weekend. had so much fun. writing all the things we did saturday and sunday seems tedious, as i lived it. it was a classic weekend...and i am so happy and thankful to be a part of this family :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

hi, im hilary

figured i needed to re-intro myself as its been a hell of a long time since i blogged. whoa.
ive been living in my apt in brooklyn for just over 8 months. holy hell did that go by fast.

lets catch up shall we? father's day was yesterday...the actual day was a lot less painful than all the buildup of consumerism all over the place. cards and deals and commercials everywhere advertising father's day. the actual day was spent with best friends, eating all over nyc. pretty perfect. it had been a pretty tough 2 weeks or so...i found myself feeling pretty vulnerable. despite having gotten so strong, there are times my head just wants to cry. i was rewriting a few pages of my book (that i will publish one day, you watch!) and did tear up a bit. when i get in the zone of writing about those past 3 years, my thoughts become so vivid. the sights, the smells, dad's face. it is all so clear.

its summer here in the city. WOO! not having AC sucks...and makes for some awfully hot nights, but im so happy. im happy to be slumming it in nyc, im happy to not be getting nearly enough sleep, im happy to eat chocolate and candy at 3am with my best friends, im happy to be going on all sorts of crazy, fun, good and bad dates with all sorts of boys, go to fun restaurants, bars, walk across bridges and meet famous faces. nyc is right where i belong.

i am moving in about 3.5 months. im moving in with one of my best friends, a coworker and a random (who is super awesome). we will be living in hells kitchen (which is ironic, cause when i came to look at places before i went to LA, it was my fave area). seems it was meant to be :)

the best part of life is that its clean and easy one minute and messy and sad the next. some days i wake up feeling pretty put together and strong. others, just sorta cloudy and unsure about why i dont have dad around. i swear i could write a 100000000000000000 page book on my thoughts and it still wouldnt cover everything.

every day there are questions i dont understand, things that arent fair and people that piss me off on the subway. sometimes i get so hot in my apt i cant sleep very well and have moments that i dont really feel like commuting to work. you know what? it all makes me laugh and smile. im happy to have moments like all those that provide fodder for best friend drinks out, dinner or sleepovers. life is soo fun and i like every bit of it. all the good, all the bad. all of it. i miss my dad the most out of everything, but i hope hes watching down having a bit of a laugh at his daughter. i hope to provide him comedic fodder for the rest of my life.

i will be back with more updates. but know that life is good. even when its bad :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

ready, set, whoa!

first, let me start by saying today marks the first official day i am an RDA employee and not a freelancer with The Premier Group! wooo!

the last few days, and most of last week has been a combination of creepy weird, sickenly hectic, super sad and really fun. sounds like a bi-polar, drug-induced bad trip doesnt it?! welcome to my brain. and life :)

im happy work is crazy busy...i mean, working on 656 projects at once is a bit headache-inducing, but thats ok. im proud and excited to be working hard. im including a few pics of a recent charity basket i put together on top of the other deadline-crazed things that seem to be happening. im pretty proud of it. my office bestie sara and i kicked ass on it.

so much going on, but ill update later. i just thought lil ol' bloggie needed a picture. she was getting a bit boring. that, and i really am feeling so much right now. im majorly PMSing...explain to me why we need to have a period, again? thats right...we dont. thanks mother nature.

with my happy monthly gift, im experiencing a bit of daddy depression. mixed with a gnarly hangover, id say, houston we have a problem. HA!

ok, more later!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

bestest birthday week

hApPy bIrThdAy b!!!!!!

while it started this past weekend, we are celebrating the life of my bestest this whole week.
ill start by saying it was the most awesome weekend.

a few of the highlights:

I fell in love. oh, like your surprised. ha!

no really, I did.

Arizona WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won a backrub and $2. it was a BIG deal.

I don’t know how to sleep anymore.

we lived on chips and guac, cake and ice cream, butter and biscuits, pizza, wings, beer and french fries this weekend. nope, don’t feel bad. fatter, but not bad.

we went to the comedy cellar and have never laughed so hard and had so much fun…the headliner was colin quinn. he was by far the worst comic, which tells you how great the rest were.

we had a brunch for around 14 people…when it came time to sing ali happy birthday, the next tables over joined our fun. were fun people

I shared my cake spoon with a cute boy.

im now obsessed with hint-of-lime tortilla chips. they are crack in chip form. right, ali?? ha!

I gave myself a hair trim. ha!

im confident that i will survive this week...but its TOUGH. there have been points during the day when its actually been hilariously painful how tired i am. 10000000% worth it. did i mention i have a crush?? poor guy :) haha.
there was sooo much more to the weekend, but the highlights do a pretty good job summarizing. why did this week start with such shitty weather?? hi spring! come back. thanks.

Monday, March 14, 2011

its monday baby!
i was pretty much in and out of the apt yesterday, but caughts snippets of the newest season of the real world on mtv. (ps, anyone else think this is the most ironic name for this show? should be called "spring break". or "drunken hook up". or just plain "sex and alcohol" or "std giveaway"). anyway, i digress. they showed one of the roommates having a tender moment regarding how he was going to tell him roommates hes on a show called "fratpad" where dudes live together and are pretty much naked and do crazy things, have sex and who knows what else. he emphasizes that he isnt gay.

my confusion here is this: how are you that cool with all that stuff when you arent gay? i have a ton of guy friends (both gay and straight) and none of the straight guys would just chill with each other naked. or touch each other with their shirts off. or have sex with each other for entertainment. or videotape it for youtube.

um yea. google it...let me know what you think.
i have my thoughts...and im pretty confident in what i am thinking.

continuing on the trash tv train, tonight is the finale of  the bachelor.
while i couldnt care less, sometimes its fun trash tv. granted, its always more fun when you like the dude.
i just dont feel that attracted to a 39 year old. not being ageist (hes cute, sweet), im just not there.

im stinking tired today. i slept so bad last night. ugh.
we have an older guy in the office who lost his father a week ago. hes still out.
looking back, i really wish i had taken time off. can i bank those days now? i just didnt have the
luxury to take days off without pay...i support myself and needed the money. kinda makes me
appreciate salaries.

im moving in super slow-mo today. this post has taken me about 6 hours. lordy. im just hitting send, and will write something more profound later. heres to enjoying some trash tv later.

Friday, March 11, 2011

because its friday...

from the lovely ladies at Glamour, here are 12 things every woman deserved in life:

1. a statement bag, even if the statement is "who cares about statement bags"

2. more than one square foot of space on any form of public transportation (umm, id suggest never moving to nyc then. this just doesnt exist. and if you try to gain personal space someone will push you, yell at you or flat out punch you. ok, maybe not actually punch you. but probably)

3. fresh flowers once a week. self-picked dandelions count. (remember when you were little and you rubbed dandelions on your face? no? only i did that? ohh, ok)

4. a say in whether and when you become a mother. (if im ready now, does the boy have to say yes?)

5. love you can feel, even from 1000 miles away. (or 3000. ha)

6. a few days filled with flip-flops, tropical sunsets and the sound of steel drums. (or, if youre a kelley, wear sandals and shorts all year round)

7. a teen mom marathon the day youre home with a fever (i can think of  a million shows id rather watch, but you get the idea)

8. at least one person you can call at 3:28am. (haaaa)

9. the shinier hair, thicker lashes or plumper lips you just shleed out $12.99 for

10. orgasms on demand, sans or avec partner

11. one pet (yours or someone elses) who has a special thing for your lap

12. a truly excellent profile picture

i added my comments in parenthesis. i feel it gives it a bit of a personal touch. that, and i always read these with such sarcasm that i feel compelled to comment. i dont totally feel the whole list, so i feel like i need to give my 2 cents.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

hello there folks.
its thursday (thank god) and this shit-tastic weather outside better clear up by the time i head home, cause i didnt bring an umbrella-ella-ella with me today. awesome :)

...but im told that its supposed to be like end-of-the-world monsooning all night. fabulous. im going to get drenched. cool. nothing i like more than being shoved on the subway after a long day at work, then doing all of that WET. with other wet people.

as a side note, i filed my taxes all by myself this year. WOOO! high-five for being an adult. and if i avoid jail, even better (hoping i filed correctly, etc). i feel pretty smart and accomplished about it, i wont lie. literally, all by myself. go me. (you can make fun of me, thats fine. its the little things that get me excited). haha!

also, today marks the 1 month anniversary of my job. more on that later.

RIP mr dewey. yesterday morning one of my best friends lost his dad to pancreatic cancer. he fought a good fight, but ultiamtely joined my dad yesterday...hi guys!!! i hope youre showing him the ropes, dad! i love you!

aaand, on that note, i gotta go. so much going on and so much to share! time :)....maybe.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

if you ever meet him...RUN!

I worked at the Corporate HQ for American Apparel in the fall of '09 to the fall of '10.
The company CEO is Dov Charney and he is infamous for being a skeeze. I could share thousands of horror stories that I personally experienced, as well as thousands more from people I know.
Here is the most recent lawsuit pending against him:
(why is he not in jail yet???)

American Apparel CEO Hit With $260M Sex Suit

By Dan Rivoli
Law360, New York (March 8, 2011) -- American Apparel Inc. founder and CEO Dov

Charney was hit with a $260 million suit on Friday from a former employee that reportedly
claimed Charney forced her to perform sexual acts on him for eight months.
Irene Morales, a 20-year-old who worked in an American Apparel store, filed the suit in the
Supreme Court of the State of New York, County of Kings, accusing Charney of holding her
prisoner in his Manhattan apartment and forcing her to have sex with him, according to
published reports.

Morales met Charney in August 2007 while she was a 17-year-old sales associate at an
American Apparel store in Chelsea, N.Y., the New York Post reported. The suit says that
Charney threatened to fire her if she did not tell him about her sexual history and send
him explicit pictures, according to the Post.

When she turned 18, Charney allegedly invited Morales to his apartment. When she
arrived, he forced her to perform fellatio on him, the Post reported.
The allegedly nonconsensual sex lasted for eight months after the first incident in
Charney's apartment, the New York Daily News reported.
Charney continued to press Morales for sex, using threats of termination as leverage, the
Post said. Morales was also pressured to visit Charney in Los Angeles where American
Apparel is headquartered, according to the Post.

Morales eventually quit American Apparel, where she had been promoted to store
manager, after being on the verge of a breakdown, according to the Post.
The suit says that Morales has undergone psychiatric treatment and is suffering from
"serious psychiatric injuries from which she will never recover," according to the Post.

I feel so gross even reading this, knowing I worked there. I got a letter in the mail the other day telling me the nurses office within the building is shutting down. I thought it was odd, as the company prides itself on "on campus" care, and this got me thinking things werent good. Then theres this article. whoa.

Im happily retired from AA...and I have my reputation in tact. There are still several people there that I adore and keep in touch with...hell, we were a tag team that lived through a lot (A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT) together. hi guys!!

I think its time Dov left. His hobbies and interests do not gel well with corporate leadership. It like Charlie Sheen syndrome...for anyone else, hed be fired and in jail. Cause hes the CEO...he gets bailed out. so stupid. what are your thoughts???

Monday, March 7, 2011

a few confessions

the beibs shouldnt have cut his hair. major fail.
(is this going to be felicity part 2?!)

charlie sheen is cool. i dont care if you dont agree. i think hes all manic, all crazy, and all hilarious. the fact that he sleeps with strippers, has no teeth, takes drugs and drinks a shit ton doesnt matter to you and me.
we dont plan to marry him, let him meet our mom, or be our kids father. he is on a tv show to make us laugh.

i may or may not have a crush on someone. ok i may.

i will never again go on a blind date. having a friend set you up is not a blind date. setting yourself up is.

im not sure i will ever be comfortable seeing throngs of  naked women in the locker room of gyms. thats private stuff sistahs, why are you letting it all hang out for strangers? without going in to too much detail, it is fascinating to see the different ways women prune themselves (or not). hey, im forced to see it, i have to share my thoughts.

i will never outgrow my love for the backstreet boys.

depspite really not caring at all for the show, i sometimes flip to the bachelor to lose myself in meaningless TV. it makes me care less when i think the dude is a douche.

more to come. happy monday.

funniest item of the day.

mom, this is for you.

i was planning a presentation with a coworker of mine for total cereal.
their team is coming in to see what we have put together, as well as show us some stuff.

long story short, my coworker (andrew) was like, i wonder if theyd care if we called it totes.
"totes cereal. its totes delicious"

without hesitation, i declared it genius. pure, marketing genius. i was like "its a shoe-in to grab the younger audience and make it cool. total cereal would be so hip"

granted, that WILL NOT be the real marketing campagin we present to them.
but i think its pretty fabulous! watch this space in case it happens. hahaha! you heard it here first.

i love ny.

you know whats funny? i have come to love sex and the city so much more now that i live here. granted, i agree with tim in that, life is NOTHING like that. literally...nothing like it at all. how in the world does a freelance writer buy manolos all the time?! or how do all 4 girls get to eat lunch with each other every day?! yea, exactly. not real. what i love is the absurdity of it all. but its kinda true, it certainly skews what people think is attainable/real/cool, etc. real is way cooler. but thats why its a tv show, right?!

i officially declare myself a bicoastal lifer. i have love for both coasts, and people i adore and couldnt live without on both.
i prefer shorts to pants, but have rediscovered the thrill of winter. i still hate winter coats but love the feel of new york. there is an energy and magic here that make you feel alive, and enough crazy here to make you feel normal.

so, here we are again, monday. lets dance.

Friday, March 4, 2011

on friday, its time to partayyyyyy.
or, relax after a long week at work. whichever works.

i am absolutely ravenous today. i blame mrs. you know what.
i literally havent stopped eating since i got up this morning. haha.

anyyway. its friday. im looking forward to a pretty low-key, yet very busy, weekend.
i have a lot to do, but looking forward to packing my days doing it.
its tough to get too much shit done M-F with a full time between socializing and going out,
i have to use the weekend to be an adult and grocery shop, clean, pay bills and run (god, i hope i run this weekend). i dont log that much sleep during the week due to all thats going on, so id like to get more than 5 hours of sleep too. yea yea yea.

cheers to a fun weekend! now, if i could only find me some of that charlie sheen drug...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

hiiii bloggies.
the other day i received a notice that both email and blog were down. not only that, but my blog was deleted from the web. i freaked!!!!!! FREAKED! (cue spaz jokes here)

annnnyway, after a shit show of me desperately trying to figure it out (no thanks to google, who has NO customer service. yea, wtf?! isnt that illegal nowadays??), we are back!! after my initial panic reaction to reading googles help page of this particular issue telling me its common with instances of copyright infringement, web harrasment or other horrible things, i racked my brain trying to come to terms with how i did this.

well, rest assured i didnt. were back. google had a minor meltdown.

thank GOD its thursday.
thank GOD.
dont have a real reason to be super dramatic...just kinda felt like it for a second.

did i tell you all about my blind date last saturday night?? yea. thats for another was A.B.S.U.R.D
he was sweet and seemed fine...our conversation was crazy. no knock on him, seriously. lord knows im all sorts of weird, and crazy, and spazzy. ill just preface it by saying he used the word orgasm about 15 times within the first 3 minutes. it just get insanse from there. yep. thats right. thats what happens when you go on a blind date in goddamn NYC. ill tell  you what, im so happy i did it. i have officially gone on a blind date. it just confirms to myself (if thats necessary, haha) that i am me again. happy, open, excited and willing to try. i feel like my heart and soul and head are all lightening again. i feel the energy of NYC. i was a bit closed off there for a while (yes i think it was necessary. and no, i do not think it was a bad thing. yes i did it on purpose, and no i do not regret it. i challenge you to lose your dad, lose your identity and lose your balance and see what happens. yes, you wanna lose your mind).

dating was not a priority for me for a time being. i will never be the type of girl who "needs" a boyfriend. i just wont. some boys dont like that. i understand how that can be frusterating. believe me, i know ill find a cool boy worthy some day. and i hope he finds me. until then, i will enjoy being boy crazy in a town with 9 million options. ha!!!!!!!

lots more to say. must go though. bye bye!

Friday, February 25, 2011


 Dear Single Women of NYC: It’s Not Them, It’s You. The plight of the single lady

My years of New York City dating—if you’re counting, there have been 12—have involved a lot of guys, short- and long- and mid-term. My longest relationship lasted two years. My shortest—minus the one-off hookups that we all know aren’t “dates” at all—was somewhere in the range of two weeks. There have been certifiable crazies, like the Eastern European fellow who broke my bedroom window in a fit of rage and told me not to complain that he’d broken my “fucking window.” There was the Jersey boy who worked in women’s handbags; fond memories involve him drunk-puking at the Hilton, then giggling hysterically, running, and “hiding” our soiled comforter in front of someone else’s door down the hall. There was the super-successful corporate honcho with a cardboard box for a nightstand. The best friend with whom I had zero sexual attraction. The self-described “bi-coastal but not in a gay way” guy who didn’t come home one night because he’d passed out in a planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. (We continued to date for at least a month after that.)

Their ages have ranged from nearly 15 years younger than me to going on 15 years older. There were Peter Pan Syndrome–afflicted man-children, full-fledged adult males with zero desire to grow up, maybe ever. There were drunks and drug addicts and maybe once a teetotaler. There were Christians and atheists and Jews. There was a clammer from Cape Cod—a real, live clammer, with his very own waders. There was a man who shaved everything . . . down there . . . every single day. There was the dashing Argentinean only in town for a week; the Ronkonkoma deli worker barely old enough to drink; the beleaguered i-banker who came over regularly just to pass out on my couch. And I can’t forget the “totally eligible” magazine editor who moved to the suburbs while we were dating, convinced me to take a bus to visit him, showed off his two-story brick house with granite kitchen counters and an actual backyard, as if knowing it was exactly what I aspired to—and then promptly married someone else. There were men who have dropped me on my head, literally and figuratively. I could show you bruises.

At some point, I yelled at almost all of these men for not being “what I wanted,” and, as we all do, turned to my female friends for consolation and support. “He doesn’t deserve you,” they would say, my own Greek chorus. “You’re so much better than him.” Then, inevitably: “Why are New York men such assholes?”

If you’re a single, heterosexual woman of a certain age living in New York City, you’ve surely heard some version of the lament more times than you can count: “There are no good single men living in New York City! They’re all gay or taken!” It’s followed by various tales of woe regarding “typical NYC jerks” and the evils they have inflicted upon amazing, upstanding, attractive, intelligent, high-powered New York City women who are so much better than the men they date.

You’ve probably met more than a few aesthetically, shall we say, “uneven” couples, in which the man is short, pudgy, bald—or distractingly hirsute—with one of those pudding faces only a mother (or gold-digger) could love. He’s impossibly rich, and his lady-friend could model for a living, and possibly does. Also, he cheats on her. Only in New York!

And you’ve probably heard, and maybe retold, the modern-day relationship folk tale of that friend of a friend who, after “unsuccessfully” dating in New York for years, met her amazing husband while living or vacationing in Austin, or Boston, or Paris, or Rio, and then brought him back—or moved there herself. Because, you know, you just can’t find a decent dude in this city. It’s impossible. Those who do it are the exception, not the rule. Ask anyone.

Maybe saying and hearing this makes single women feel better. It enforces the belief that there is such a thing as a “plight” of the single lady, and that women can’t be blamed for our lack of success in the New York City relationship game. It’s them, not us.

The problem is, it’s patently untrue. Worse, it’s a cop-out.

New York City, to be fair, suffers its share of problems for the female dater. There are more women than men, which everyone loves to bemoan as the cold, hard cornerstone of this city’s relationship difficulties. According to statistics collected by Richard Florida, author of The Great Reset and director of the Martin Prosperity Institute at the University of Toronto, single women currently outnumber single men in New York by 149,219. This is based on data from the U.S. Census, which, it bears mentioning, does not ask to identify sexual orientation. The good news: This number has actually decreased from 2008’s woman-surplus of 210,000, a gap that caused Lysandra Ohrstrom, writing for the Observer, to unleash the ominous decree that “savvy, well-educated women hoping to find a mate and settle down are out of luck.”

Meanwhile, our fine city was recently ranked the top spot for single men to find a willing lady to smooch, and whatever else, on New Year’s Eve, according to more numbers from Mr. Florida. We were named number one of 2010’s top 29 cities for dudes to live in: a/k/a “paradise for men,” according to gratuitous macho website Luisita Lopez Torregrosa, writing in Politics Daily, called the ratio of men to women “scarily in favor of men,” and advised ladies to “go West—San Diego, Dallas, and Seattle. It’s where the boys are.”

As Tamsen Fadal, relationship expert and the female member of “America’s only husband-wife matchmaking team” told us, “New York is like a candy store to men. If they think, ‘This girl’s not giving me what I want, or pushing things too quickly,’ they find someone else. It’s an unlevel playing field.”

Of course, love is inherently not a level playing field—its terrain is rocky, uncharted, completely unfair. The beautiful, the smart, the successful, and the young will attract more than their allotment of admirers, while the ugly, the desperate, the “too old,” and the socially unfit for whatever reason are just not going to have the same dating opportunities. If you’re a die-hard optimist, maybe you believe that there’s someone for everyone, but there are far more somebodies for some, male or female.

If you’re a single man who has moved to New York City, chances are it has to do with being good—even the best—at something. Hence the workaholics, status-aholics, power-aholics, and whatever else ambition breeds. Meanwhile, the streets are plentiful with ever more attractive women. Amid all that, there is a sense of perpetual youth, a staving off of the trappings of adulthood—like “settling down and getting married”—far into our 30s and even 40s because, frankly, we can get away with it. And there’s so much to do! Why get married when you’re having so much fun? As one man admitted, “Guys in New York have unrealistic standards for what their lives should be.”

But it’s hardly fair to say that New York City women haven’t come here for much the same reasons that men have, or that they don’t have similarly unrealistic expectations. “I think there are a couple of different problems in New York,” says Fadal. “People who live in New York are successful in their field or want to be. We’re not someplace where so much of our time is devoted to relationships. We then realize our years sort of went by.”

This is true of all of us, men and women. Yet somehow, helped along by rom-coms and self-help books and chick lit, at some point we learn to ignore the simple fact that there are two people in every relationship, and that they both have a hand in whether it succeeds or fails. And something else: that the success or failure of most relationships can, if we look at them with open eyes, probably be predicted from the very beginning based on some simple indicators.

Take a “concept” like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” which puts blame squarely on the man’s shoulders. How freeing: He is just not that into you! But at what point did we lose the capacity to be as “Just Not That Into You” as the men? If we’re to expect a society in which men and women are truly considered equals, women have to accept their portion of the responsibility, and the blame.

Here’s the deal, women of New York City: The so-called plight of the single lady? It’s not about him. It’s about you.

Some years ago, having lived in New York City since graduating from college, I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. An older male neighbor who had been invited to dinner took one look at me across the table and said to my mother, “She’s single? She’s pretty. What’s wrong with her?”

You can probably imagine the indignant response that ensued, in which I (and my mom) defended my choice not to be married and not even be dating anyone at the ripe old age of, say, 26, because it’s New York and that’s how the kids do things there, and plus I’d just broken up with someone, and who are you to tell me I should already be paired off and shuffled down the aisle for a life of tedium and domesticity anyway, old neighbor man?

But, really, the question hit home because there was truth to it. There was (and still is) something wrong with me. And it’s the same thing that’s “wrong” with pretty much every single woman in New York complaining she can’t find a decent man, or who has perhaps even given up in pursuit of her own continued drama and mini-amusements with the kind of guys she’d never want to settle down with anyway (safer that way): We don’t know what we want. And so we want a little bit of everything, over and over again.

Auntie Mame said famously that “Life is a banquet, and most poor bastards are starving to death!” But those poor bastards don’t live in New York City, where the banquet is 24 hours a day and everybody wants a piece of everybody else, if just for a little amuse-bouche. We’re free and “grown up” and independent; we can do what we want, sexually and otherwise. Which is part of the problem, if you’re going to call it that.

When asked what he thought about the “plight of the single lady”—and women who blame men for the state of dating in the city, a single New Yorker in his twenties admitted, “I see where they’re coming from, but, in a lot of ways, they bring it upon themselves. I think if girls were more withholding, boys would be more likely to commit, but because boys can get most of what they want without having to commit, they do. That implies that all boys want is to hook up, which I don’t think is true, but I think that is a lot of it. That’s why when a girl says, ‘Oh, sure, we can hook up and I won’t be weird about it,’ they end up yelling at you a week later.”

For every loser I’ve screamed at, there have been nice, normal single guys with perfectly acceptable ZIP codes and ages and jobs and habits who never did a thing wrong but for some reason were chucked after the first or second, or maybe even third, date for being boring, predictable, too nice, too normal, not successful enough, or . . . admitted to no one, perhaps not even myself: too available. The scariest of scary words.

If you’re like me (and I think a lot of us are), you might say you can’t stand drama and that all you want is a nice, stable relationship with someone who loves and treats you well, but “nice” and “stable” have hardly the appeal of words like “exciting” or “passionate” or, well, “drama.” Our status as single, independent, financially solvent New York City women in the year 2011 has us sitting on a mountain of unprecedented options. Options: Those are exciting. So we want all the options, bigger and better and faster and shinier, or taller or sexier or stronger or smarter, and yet somehow also different and completely our own. We want the tippy-top of what we can get—why shouldn’t we? And we want to push those boundaries.

That, to a large extent, is why we live here. It’s not because we wanted to settle down with the patient and reliable plod-along schmo, and have babies and live in a three-bedroom house with a two-car garage where we peaceably grill in the summer and make casseroles in winter until we die. It’s not because we wanted our lives charted out before we lived them.

My high school boyfriend was probably the best man I’ve ever dated. One time, for no reason whatsoever, he printed out a dictionary definition of “beautiful,” circled the word, drew an arrow to it, and wrote “THIS IS YOU.” He left it for me somewhere I would find it, as a surprise. He told me he loved me. But at the end of high school, when I knew I was going away to bigger, brighter things while he stayed in town and continued at the local community college, I tried to dump him over and over again, eventually making out with a random guy in a band on high school graduation night and telling the would-be ex about it the next day. The ex has a little boy, a dog, and a wife now; I don’t even own a cat. But I have options! I wanted them then; I still want them now.

Yet these never-ending options wreak havoc with us, as does the idea that we can dally with each of them without ever deciding on any and just hope it will all fall where it may—that someday our prince will come, and he better be fucking good. As a married friend mused, “Holding out for everything we want—maybe it’s a delusional expectation. Maybe it’s more about self-reflection, an exercise in goals. It’s more you-centered soul-searching than about the guy, necessarily. In most relationships, there’s a huge, huge focus on timing. A lot of it is just a matter of reaching the point where you’ve figured out what you want.”

Florida, the man behind those male-female NYC dating stats, writes on his website that “one reason ladies in the prime marriage years flock to big cities is to compete for the most eligible men,” and intelligent women who gravitate to “vibrant cities are more likely to stay single—for longer, at least—because they rightly refuse to settle for someone who can’t keep up with them intellectually or otherwise.”

“Rightly refusing to settle,” especially for someone who’s boring, otherwise uninspired, or just a bad choice, sounds pretty good—even empowering. Somewhere along the way, “settling” became a dirty word, evoking visceral reactions of distaste and even disgust, particularly for the strivers among us. Take the negative reactions to Lori Gottlieb’s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, which suggests that women who are still single after 35 are just too damn picky.

But I’d argue that it’s not about being picky. It’s about having all of these options, and not knowing how to choose from among them, or whether we even want to. It’s about the years of being told we can have it all, and suddenly being deeply afraid to admit that that house of cards has been a sham all along because no one really gets to have it all. (And so, the self-professed adamantly anti-marriage Elizabeth Gilbert—who ate, prayed, and loved her options into a bestseller and a Julia Roberts movie—ultimately “caved” to marrying her foreign-born partner so that he could live in the U.S.)

Everyone has to make choices. This isn’t to say that if you want a successful career and to be a wife and a mom, you can’t do it. Nor that you can’t do it fairly well. But inevitably, you’ll have to give up one thing for something else. Why should you settle? Because that’s what all humans do when they make choices.

If Carrie Bradshaw were here and an actual person, she would say, “But what about the ‘za-za-zoo’?” And after berating her for that corny terminology, I’d grudgingly agree that, yes, there needs to be something—call it magic, or a spark, or a connection—with regard to our romantic relationships. But the magic pales in comparison to the simplest, and yet most difficult, of things. Knowing what you want. It’s timing, but it’s more than that, because you dictate your own timing. You hold the cards.

If Carrie had wanted marriage and kids back in Season 4, she would have stuck with Aidan. Instead, she got panicked and neurotic and self-destructive and Carrie Bradshaw–esque, and started to have an affair with Big, who was clearly (until the unbelievable ending of the series) never going to marry her. Why do that to yourself? Because you aren’t quite sure you want to get married, either. Because the grass is ever so mysteriously greener in the yard (does he even have a yard?) of the guy who doesn’t want to marry you. And because it makes for good drama, or, at the very least, tragicomedy.

Still, at the end of the movie, or the TV series, everything gets wrapped up neatly and tied with a Tiffany-box bow. In the film version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly is eventually tamed by the love of a good man who has been there all along. In Working Girl, the girl gets her career-with-corner-office and Harrison Ford to pack her lunchbox. In The Apartment, Shirley MacLaine’s character attempts suicide on account of Mr. Wrong, but in surviving finds her Mr. Right. Harry and Sally run through the relationship ropes course as enemies, friends, lovers, and enemies again, only to end up an old married couple. As do, of course, Carrie and Big. It all just seems to unfold, without anybody doing too much soul-searching or goal-plotting, much like a movie. A movie set in New York! This is what we’re supposed to want.

People who have been married will tell you that it’s not all butterflies and lying in the grass together clutching hands. It’s actually work—not magic, and not the movies. Which means the dream we expect for ourselves drastically needs to be tempered with a dash of reality, a dose of self-reflection. As a thirtysomething New York woman said, “Ultimately, marriage has more to do with knowing what you’re looking for. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there that suck, but I don’t think that’s a New York–specific issue. There are all of these successful, smart, workaholic women who have their shit together and strong views and senses of who they are. Their expectations are a bit higher. And in New York, there’s not this worry about being the only single person; we all have friends who are married, married with kids, divorced, single.”

Fewer people are getting married than ever. According to a Pew Research poll published at the end of last year, about half of all adults in the U.S. are married, down from 72 percent in 1960. Four in 10 people consider marriage obsolete. At the same time that fewer of us are getting married, more people are doing it for love—93 percent said it was the most important reason to tie the knot. Love is not something that used to factor into marriages; it’s a relatively modern concept. You might say we’re spoiled by even expecting it, and that it’s entirely unrelated to a social “institution” that was really about property and taxes and making sure you had enough kids to work the farm or protect the homestead way back when—not to mention one of the only socially acceptable ways for women to have sex.

But if you confessed to someone today that you’d married without “being in love,” because you’d simply wanted to get married or have the financial foundation to start a family (or buy more shoes), or maybe because you just didn’t want to spend Sundays alone anymore, they would look at you with a horror akin to what you might bestow upon a person admitting to murder.

If there is a real and current plight of the single lady in New York City, it’s not that New York men are so horrible. It’s figuring out how to balance what you want and what you can get—in terms of love, marriage, and what each guy has to offer—against all of the options, including the imminent biological reality of your decreasing fertility. It’s figuring out if you care about your fertility at all, and if you care about it in light of being—or not being—married. Because at some point, it will simply be too late to have kids.

At the same time, if you don’t want children, then maybe you don’t really want a husband, or as one happily unmarried New Yorker explained, “I’d never been really hung up on having kids. It certainly made dating easier, because I didn’t have the same timeline some of my friends did. No urgency. The same holds true now that I am dating someone. Whether we get married or not is almost immaterial since we don’t plan on having kids. Unless, of course, one of us gets hooked up with really good health insurance. Then we’d get married for sure.”

The fertility question is often a tipping point, and definitely “a challenge for women,” says Fadal. “Men here are very motivated, and their career comes first. They’re not under any age restriction, nor do they face the fertility reality. If that weren’t an issue, I think women would keep playing the field, too. I would. But all the technology in the world isn’t going to change that.” Another married New Yorker agreed: “If you could have babies easily into your 50s, I think you’d go on being single forever,” she said. But we can’t. This is just a biological fact.

It’s also a fact that, at least in the non-romantic portions of life, understanding and expressing what you want makes achieving it far easier, whatever the “it” is. Yet, by and large, New York City women fail to be specific with men about what they really want and instead just go along with things hoping for the best and getting angry when it doesn’t work out that way. Or they’re so specific, with such intricately wrought lists of requirements for what they will and won’t date, that they miss the point altogether—if the criteria is that complicated, maybe they don’t actually want to be with someone at all yet.

Perhaps this is changing. I’ve heard of at least two single New York women who have set their own wedding dates for themselves—minus even a potential boyfriend. Say what you will about the “method,” but I think they should be congratulated for having at least acknowledged what they want while so many of us wait aimlessly for a nebulous “Mr. Right” with whom we will fall deeply and madly in love in the kind of fantasy relationship promoted by romantic comedies. When that doesn’t happen, because it can’t happen—it never happens—we blame the men. But ladies, we are so much smarter than that!

There is nothing wrong with taking your time and sampling liberally from the buffet. As Fadal says, “I caution against trying to settle down before you’re ready. Every guy has his purpose. There’s the guy who takes you great places, the guy you’re sleeping with, etc. If you’re enjoying yourself, and if you do it in the right way, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

And so, the wild and crazy kisser who actually broke your front tooth, which then required dental work; the guy who taught you to always ask for Sriracha in your deviled eggs; the man who introduced you to Wolf Parade; the man who introduced you to really good bourbon; the guy with kids who helped you remember why you do, or don’t, want them for yourself; the bisexual co-worker; the “poonhound”; the one that got away; and the one you let get away on purpose—they all have a place in your dating life. Don’t regret them.

Once you know what you want, narrow the options, make your choices, and go for it. But until you do, embrace not knowing. Make New York your playground and stop complaining about how single ladies have it so hard in this city. Along the way, remember that men are not the enemy. Many of them are reasonable and good and not at all the brutes we’ve made them out to be, even if they don’t want to marry us (and some of them do). One recently confessed that he’d like to get married in the next few years because “I don’t want to be 34 and doing that thing that sketchy New York guys do where they go out and act as though they’re 24. I’ve seen too much of it. . . . It’s a real cautionary tale.” When I told him that was refreshing, he said, “I think most guys feel that way.”

The other night, I had drinks with the ex who’d passed out in that planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. We hadn’t talked in about three months. He bought me two glasses of wine, touched me on the shoulder, and told me I looked “unbelievable.” I knew I could do it all again if I wanted to. Options. Drama. Will I? I’m not narrowing them yet.

By Jen Doll Wednesday, Feb 9 2011

(originally published in the Village Voice)

thank GOD its friday

no really. im not sure id make it another day this week.

lets start from the top. it was a really long/busy day at the office. ill save my office bitching for later (it is, afterall, friday, and theres cooler stuff to talk about). i headed home and grabbed some grub while trying my darndest to look decent to hit the bar. i got peer pressured into hitting the town last night (thats my story and im sticking to it), so i couldnt say no.

basically, nyc really doesnt sleep. its normal to be at a bar until 4am, 7am...hell, you could probably sleep there if you asked. im sure itd be the least weird question theyve ever gotten!

janine, richard and i headed into town to a bar called the breslin. its pretty amazingly awesome. its attached to a hotel/lounge and another bar on the other side...basically adjoining cooool bars. we stayed in the middle, and grabbed seats at the table...HUGE community table where tons of people were hanging out/chatting/eating. richard ordered bottle service and we got to drinking. it was a blast!

at one point a dark haired guy approached by asking about our drink of, last night. we entertained him and chatted for a while. he was cute and fun. i had a thing for one of his friends, so we all got to chatting and had  a ball.

at some point during the night i noticed that there was a photo booth on the other side of the room. whaaat??! i dont think i have been that excited in a long time (jk, i literally get that excited all the time. its kinda silly). sadly, it was broken. but, this bar has officially become a place where we are planning to be prepared to see photo booth pics in the near future!!

anyway, i would really love a nap. like, i hope i make it home today. eek!
working a full day on 3 hours of sleep is just rough. ahhh well, its why i live here :) ha!

ta ta.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

random hello

happy its thursday. wishin it was friday. planning to meet a bunch o' friends out tonight because peer pressure still happens. haha.

should be cool though. ive heard really cool things abut this place...the breslin.
ill keep you posted about the rest of the weekend...were hitting some other pretty cool spots.

ta ta! back to work we go :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


today is day 8 of work (the 6th day of me being on my own). id like to think i do a good job. i know i work hard and do my best...and as my dad always said, thats all i can do.

i am meeting with HR today to discuss perm positions. i was hired as a temp, but i want to explore perm opportunities. i think i fit in, and could do a really good job. fingers crossed. of course updates will come later today.

weekend was great with mom, drew, uncle dwight, aunt kathie and crew. didnt sleep enough and ate too much...but i loved every minute of it. of course we would have killed for the spring weather we had a few days ago, but alas, it was about 2 degrees.

it snowed yesterday. what?!?!? stop! winter, you are over. please move on.
i think its supposed to be a pretty chilly, gross week. awesome.

in other news i have got to go. im getting ADD and need to get back to work. bye bye

a few more isms

hey, its ok! not consider lust a particularly deadly sin. or pride. or even sloth. shout, "I am not!" when he claims you're hormonal. start your to-do list with a task you've already done. tell your family that you met your current boyfriend through mutual friends and leave out the fact that those friends were Bud and Weiser. begin thinking about lunch at 9:35 A.M. smirk when you see the big, tough guys at your gym tripping on the elliptical machine. demand to be taken off speakerphone. RSVP without a plus-one.

are you sitting there with a smile on your face? are you thinking of things you would add to the list? i hope so. these types of lists are super addicting and help make light of a very busy, stressful day.

one of my own

hey its ok! love sporting yoga pants whenever possible, and not at all loving actually doing yoga. i think my dad ingrained it in my head that working out is running, or the like. i think my bro shares my opinion on this. not feel like yourself until youve worked out. running, sweating, or lifting weights makes me feel good, and helps me earn and keep my self esteem. i think its so important to do what you need to do for yourself. i LOVE to sweat. (too bad work gets in the way, haha) love to be single and independent,...but still want a snuggle buddy on sunday nights need to talk to mom at least once a day...even when you are 27. that goes for all family...i need to text, chat or email friends and family constantly to know they are safe, and find out whats new. either that, or i stop by. have i mentioned how awesome it is to live 3 blocks from my best friend. yea, its kinda great.

...if you and your bestie think dinner is guac and chips with a glass of vino every now and again. its all about balance, right?! realize at the end of the day that you havent ventured outside. or have eaten too much. yep, it happens. sometimes look forward to bad tv. i am guilty of watching the real housewives after a long day at work when i just want to sit back, eat dinner and laugh at stupid crap! it does nothing to make me smarter...and thats exactly the point buy yourself something online every  month or couple months just to say to yourself "job wel done." working hard and living life is need to treat yourself with presents every now and again. its crucial get really excited when your brother calls just to chat. yea, im still just a little sister who loves her big bro

there are so many things i am grateful for in life. just felt like being a little silly and random and posting little isms that make us who we are. happy reading. ps, is it friday yet?!??!


Friday, February 18, 2011

pretty excited about it

friday, that is.
but i gotta tell you, some crazy shit happened this morning.

lets start from the beginning. i got on the subway and was heading uptown. transfered trains as normal (being shoved, pushed and all that nonsenes, per usual). second stop on train we made the usual stop at 14th street/union square. since a zillion people are both trying to get on and off the train at the same time before the door shut, theres a lot of shoving, yelling and all around new-yorkiness as you can imagine. all of a sudden this man half falls between the platform and subway car (his one leg slipped while the other was sorta inside the subway car). i have never heard a woman scream so heniously in all my life. (just to paint the picture, id like to point out that she was about 5', and latino. she was sassy!). anyway, it was pretty scary...and the dude was pretty hurt. he played it off, as subways dont he got pulled back in the car, and off we went.

ok, next stop is 42nd street. i get off (along with about 2.5 million people). yea, its a fun time. haha.
im on the street walking to my office and i come upon a chick laying in the street after JUST being hit by a van. yea. there were about 5 people around was calling 911, one was holding her hand and a few were standing around with their jaws on the floor. realistically, there were about 29389384 people staring...i mean, this was crazy to see. she was in the middle of the street, and as you can imagine, new york drivers do NOT want to slow down or stop. its not that they dont care, but they have places to go. and NOW!

then the work day started :)

soo excited it friday!!!

more life craziness to come. have i told you lately that im OBSESSED with this town.