i almost cheated.

i debated starting a new blog. i was looking to start fresh and thought i wanted a clean blog to do it with, but then i thought why? my life is messy and it has a past so if people read back on the past few years thats ok.

so im back from christmas break. it was lovely to be home :) while i cant live there quite yet, there is something so safe and happy about being home. i guess thats why its home :)

this year helping out with christmas dinner at hospice was super difficult. the moment we arrived i had a raging headache. i felt heavy and oddly sad. while food was heating up in the ovens i ventured down the hall to my dads room. i stood by the door to look in (i didnt want to go in since someone was in there) and just stood still. memories of those 7 days came flashing back to me. i stood there outside the very room where i lost my dad. i thought i had gotten to a place where i could be ok with all those memories, but i dont think that will ever be true. after a few minutes i walked back toward the kitchen as mom was walking toward me. i broke down as she hugged me so tight.

"mom, i need a minute. i didnt know this was going to happen"
"hil, take all the time. i am so proud of you"

even writing this is tough. i cant imagine fighting this battle with anyone other than my mom. she is so supportive of those mini breakdowns and i am so thankful for her. i helped a bit longer and ran home. my head was so heavy and hurt from holding back so much emotion that i knew a run was the only thing  that could help me. i cranked up my headphones to a pretty deafening level and ran home. it wasnt super long, about 30-40 minutes or so, but man, it felt good.

ok, on to happier things :)...

say hi to buddy!!

we are dog sitting this week. pramila's cousin couldnt take the dog to chicago so he's with us. his name is buddy and he is some sort of mixed breed...mom, you can probably help me with this. its SO fun having a little guy here to take care of. it wouldnt be the kind id choose for myself, but thats ok. i will admit the 10 degree weather we had the other day did not make for a happy hilary walking him but thats ok. something about me learning to dress appropriately for winter will help im sure :)