the heading may seem pretty vague, but i think its true. i watched a video the other day on a woman who was suffering from CJD. it was a link posted on facebook on the CJD "causes" page. i thought i was strong enough to watch it. though i feel overly fragile in all matters that deal with CJD, i had my mind convinced id be able to handle this video. i mean, pretending life is all rainbows and butterflies is worse, so educating myself on the cause is something i want to continue to do regardless of how hard it is.
well, i wasnt ready. apparently not by a long shot. the video flooded back all these memories that i had put inside a little box in my mind. a box that i had mentally locked and hid the key.
since then (2 days ago) i have just thought a lot about some things that are frustrating me. i feel helpless and weak and desperate for my dad. he made me feel secure and always promised me id always be ok. he assured me that my fear of one day living on the streets (from the difficulties of the world) would never happen. it may seem like a crazy, irrational fear, but its mine. we all have them, right? but what do you do when that person that was everything to you is taken away? you flail. hello: present tense. haha.
the sadness/frustration/fear/anxiety/etc i feel with the loss of my dad has sort of made me more mindful of how much i kind of like this boy (but cant control the situation), how much i want a really cool job (again, cant really control), and how much i cant control tears. little things, even happy things, are setting them off. UGH!
i said a prayer to my dad last night, and shed tears in bed. i didnt mean to, i just really couldnt help it. i have found 2 lucky pennies since yesterday and i am hoping thats a sign that things are going to be fine. i could really use it :)
ok i have an interview tomorrow, so i think ill go veg for a bit. more updates later :)
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