Skip to main content

how do you mourn?

when i lost my dad, i felt pretty numb. despite having SO much thought going on in my head, i didnt have anywhere to go with it since i wasnt ready to talk about anything. those first few months had nothing to do with mourning or sadness or loss. i was so numb i didnt feel anything. i knew all those feelings were there, but i wasnt able to actually feel them. any time i tried to talk about anything, id sob. i sobbed in a hospice group therapy meeting, with ali, and on my own. ali told me she was ready to talk anytime i was...she patiently sat with me through tears, laughs, and fear. she still does :)

after the initial period of despair, loss and numbness came a "what the FUCK just happened?!!" head space. i was so confused and sad at everything that i didnt know how to process anything. or how to function properly. i didnt feel social...having fun felt wrong. the light that i had in my eyes just faded away. tears flooded my body.

to cope, i decided to go against everything that was naturally me. i wanted to escape my life for a second, so i dyed my hair dark and found a fondness for black nail polish. looking back, i think i wanted to hide. fade, if you will. with dark hair, i definitely felt different than i did with blond hair. and, although my mom is/was/and will always be mortified that i was a brunette for a time, i really liked it. just like my time spent in LA was purposeful, being a brunette was a necessary change.

hell, its not like i went off the rails. i changed my hair.

that said, i can totally understand how a serious thing like this can send you off the rails. i figure if being a brunette is the worst thing i do, ill be ok.

i am now currently returning to my naturally lighter hair. and, for the time being, lighter nail polish. it was a fun period though. i go through phases randomly. ha, dad would be so proud ;)

im heading out to a birthday party, but more thoughts and confessions to come. xo

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

break a sweat - even when youd rather do ANYTHING but.

there is only one way to begin the difficult journey of the holiday sugar detox: break a sweat. 

miraculously i didnt miss a day over the holidays to break a sweat -- but that really just means i got up extra early or ran when people were napping (i.e. full and feeling gross) so not all of my holiday miles or squats were pretty. or felt particular good.

BUT, i laced up and got out there -- or followed along to a dailyburn workout. i kept telling myself i could slow down or take it easier, but shit, im doing a workout.

so basically, what they say is true. no matter how slow you go, youre still lapping everyone on the couch. go get in a good sweat, then reward yourself with some couch time :)




2013: a year in review. so far

today is february 22nd.we are already almost 2/12 of the way through 2013. i realize that line may sound uber cheesy, but seriously, time fucking flies.


2013 has definitely been a cool year. hard, confusing, sad and stressful, but certainly cool. parts of it have also been special, funny, amazing and sweet. all of that emotion in 2 months? hey man, im a girl. were dramtaic.



ive got high hopes for the rest of the year. there are a few running races in the books, with more to be added im sure. there will be some travel...im heading to see my besties in chicago and boston and bro in NC to name a few. im hoping there is a trip to somewhere warm in the near future...i have no interest in resembling a vampire...that shit has been overexposed already.

the moment hasnt happened to me yet where i go to my bank account and theres an accidental million dollars. regardless i take my dads advice to heart..."hil, never miss an opportunity you really want simply because of money". look, i…

march madness

i have come to find the madness of life happens far beyond march. that said, when we really think about it, lifes madness is a gift, right? i mean that in a "take the good with the bad" kind of way, not so much that i love the madness.

i live in madness. all the time. i love so many things about NYC - but sometimes, those same things are the things that sending me screaming into my pillow or heading out of town at a moments notice.

take this past weekend. i had had enough of NYC - sleepless nights, work stress and a nagging running injury. it was one of my best childhood friends birthdays, so i hopped on a train for a 3.5 hour ride to newport for an incredible night filled with endless prosecco and bread, birthday cake and wonderful memories and laughs, i returned to NYC 24 hours later (after a 5 hour wi-fi less ride) a better person. sure, the ride back was brutal - but the sore abs and messy hair reminded me that it was exactly what life is about.

madness, baby. may it las…