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how do you mourn?

when i lost my dad, i felt pretty numb. despite having SO much thought going on in my head, i didnt have anywhere to go with it since i wasnt ready to talk about anything. those first few months had nothing to do with mourning or sadness or loss. i was so numb i didnt feel anything. i knew all those feelings were there, but i wasnt able to actually feel them. any time i tried to talk about anything, id sob. i sobbed in a hospice group therapy meeting, with ali, and on my own. ali told me she was ready to talk anytime i was...she patiently sat with me through tears, laughs, and fear. she still does :)

after the initial period of despair, loss and numbness came a "what the FUCK just happened?!!" head space. i was so confused and sad at everything that i didnt know how to process anything. or how to function properly. i didnt feel social...having fun felt wrong. the light that i had in my eyes just faded away. tears flooded my body.

to cope, i decided to go against everything that was naturally me. i wanted to escape my life for a second, so i dyed my hair dark and found a fondness for black nail polish. looking back, i think i wanted to hide. fade, if you will. with dark hair, i definitely felt different than i did with blond hair. and, although my mom is/was/and will always be mortified that i was a brunette for a time, i really liked it. just like my time spent in LA was purposeful, being a brunette was a necessary change.

hell, its not like i went off the rails. i changed my hair.

that said, i can totally understand how a serious thing like this can send you off the rails. i figure if being a brunette is the worst thing i do, ill be ok.

i am now currently returning to my naturally lighter hair. and, for the time being, lighter nail polish. it was a fun period though. i go through phases randomly. ha, dad would be so proud ;)

im heading out to a birthday party, but more thoughts and confessions to come. xo


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