whoa.

i felt it starting around 4:30pm. that familiar feeling that tears are just a moment away. i kept my focus at work, but it weakened a bit on the train. i pressed the + key on my ipod to increase the volume so that my head could focus on something else.

then, as i got off the train, it happened. i teared up. a phone call to mom was all i needed. i was in the grocery store loading up on candy and dinner for later, but she talked to me until i got home.

there are times where i just cant be strong. with dads birthday a week away, im feeling particularly vulnerable. i fear the hole that is left will never be filled...even in a small way, by a love of my own.

im scared for that. its funny, after my previous post about how magical some moments have been, im still human, and still fear im not enough for someone. i might not be pretty enough. or rich enough. or thin enough. or popular enough. i dont have my dad to tease me about my boy nonsense...haha, im sure hes up there with his head in his hands, being like "god, i just gotta tell her to relax"...

dad, i know what youd tell me. and i want to believe it, i do. mom says it too. (and we all know shes always right)...i just am not convinced. but, mom knows best so ill trust her on this one :)

thanks for getting me through today mom. its me and you on this journey and im really lucky you let me be me and are there for me. its pretty cool how were weak and strong at exact opposite times.

ohh life, you are so hard and complicated, sad and cruel sometimes. but dad, i know youre up there looking down. and i know we will be ok. right?! a sign would be nice :) haha. im overdue for one of those.

night all.

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