tis the season

i heard my first Christmas song of the season on the radio this morning on my way to work. November 12th...actually thats pretty good. i would have guessed it would have started earlier!! haha. the Christmas season makes me happy...reminds me of being a little kid. reminds me of simple pleasures...candy canes, Santa, cookies and milk, and decorating Christmas trees.

on another note, im not liking all the "firsts" we are having to go through...my first birthday without my dad, my moms, their anniversary, thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. all that coming up in the next 2 months. thats a lot of great things that he made all the better, that will be very difficult to understand without him. i want so bad to understand that i will be ok in this life. i want so bad to know that im doing well. i want so bad to look my dad in the eye and tell him a joke that will crack him up so hard he will want to hear more. i want to take him to a movie and talk to him about boys. i want to make him proud. i want to hug him. kiss him. i want to sit and just listen to him speak...about anything. i want to go for a run with him. i want him to teach me things. i want to take funny pictures with him. i want to buy him boxers for christmas. i want to surprise him with starbucks after work. i want to give him a back massage. hell, i even want to get an email from him...or text message. thatll do. with all of that, i am unclear how to fathom it. im not in denial, it just doesnt seem real. there are times where i relive that year over and over...from the time we found out to end in hospice. it feels like a movie.

so, as i started this post, tis the season. i am looking forward to remembering all the fun winter memories since i was a kid. remembering dad. heres to you dad! cheers!!!!!