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la la la

so, word is, the magazine i shot the ad for is coming out within the next 2 weeks. the launch party is before valentines day weekend, so im pretty excited! i really wanted it to be out before i head to see aaron. (i hope it turns out well…hehe). he called me last night to talk about our trip and catch up. ugh, after we hung up i shed a tear, i wont lie. i got overwhelmed and frusterated that the trip is not going to be all about us. its pretty much me fending for myself during the day while he will be playing tennis…and spending nights at “events” where he needs to mingle and meet some people. he wanted to see if this was all ok with me…um, what the hell…its not like i could say anything but yes. which is fine…it all sounds like ball. but am i wasting my time?! im getting better at taking life a step at a time…but i get frusterated that it sometimes gets so damn complicated. i emailed ali right away to see if this trip was still worth it. i havent officially decided yet. ok, so theres my bitching for the day.

i think the thing that kills me is that my life would be in an amazing spot if my dad were here. id bet getting life advice, boy advice, work advice, and the presence of the coolest dude i know. he kept me in line. he kept me light-hearted. he kept me sane (a very hard thing to do…hahahaha). alas, im lost without him. so i totally overanalyze shit like this. i overcomplicate simple things. i need him here. its amazing how stupid things seem when you put it all in perspective. i mean, maybe i should just see this weekend as a fun time aaron and i will drink too much, stay up too late, eat too much and party too hard and just have it be that. we wont be curing cancer, but were going to have fun together. maybe that should be enough.

this past year with him has been really amazing for me. maybe i should just listen to my dads voice in my head and take it a day at a time. why worry. its just a good time. itll figure itself out.

i do need my dad though. i really do. its hard trudging this damn thing called life. a damn hard time.

Comments

sorry to hear about the weekend not turning out as u hoped...tho u did just say what ur dad prob would have said...just go have fun, ur 20. if its what u want to do, go for it.
your dad has already given you the knowledge ur asking for...you already posses all the answers in your heart.
hope the weekend goes better than what ur expecting tho...
hey excited to see the magazine! let me know when its out!!!
hilary said…
aww thanks rach. yea flick called and we had a fun(ny) talk about it all too. ill chat with you before i go (in 2 weeks) but thank you for being such a great big sis. i love you so much.

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