marley and me...and room 12

dammit marley. you made us all cry!!!! haha, of course im talking about marley and me. mom, gamma and i went to see it today. it was cute...but, dear god, so sad. it hit home pretty hard with everything with dad, but also cali (who mom and i put down not long ago). its tough watching owen wilson be so vulnerable and sad without it breaking your heart.

overall it was a great christmas. i got some great presents, and hopefully gave out a couple good ones too!! :)

we started the morning going to hospice. we spent some time hanging out in room 12. they are renovating it so noone was in there. wow. it was heavy. mom had a breakdown. she and i spent some time hugging...just staring at his bed. it was so empty. the 6 days we spent there were some of the longest, weirdest days. that room began feeling so big...our entire world. it felt smaller today...colder, absent. i feel we brought warmth to that room. we both got cold and chills while standing in that room...i pray to god it was dad.

i want to believe that things are going to get better...get easier...get lighter. not in terms of grief (as i will always hold on to him)...i mean it in terms of life. i would like to know that we will always be ok...in terms of jobs, a house, love, etc. when dad was sick he promised me that i would never be homeless. he told me he would never let that happen. i know he is my angel...i know he will make sure i am safe...its all i need. im a pretty durable girl...but i think its time we all had a bit easier, no?!

i was talking with another volunteer today about dad and she was sharing stories of her past. she ended the conversation by asking me how old i was. i said 25 (eek!!), and she told me how impressed she was with how i am handling what has happened. she told me i must have been raised well. i told her that there was nothing more true. dad and mom, you did good!! pretty neat compliment. im not one to normally say that (i mean, im not bragging)...but thats a cool compliment to my family too.

but, in the end, it doesnt feel fair. and i cant help but think that. it just isnt fucking fair. i hope there is a hell of a christmas party going on up there!! maybe dad will even stumble after a few glasses of wine and fall back through the clouds and come back down here........