Thursday, February 26, 2009

Oh, Holy God

I am a hot mess. I change my mind about where I want to live, work and play every day. Probably multiple times a day. I feel scattered pretty much all the time...I feel like I should leave Lancaster. I know my dad would have wanted to me to do that...he used to tell me to. However, the ultimate decision is ok then, if not Lancaster, where?! I mean, there are 50 states, not to mention 7 continents. Umm, dad, help?!??! Im a little girl lost.
Officially a little girl lost. I think I nailed it. Nothing that I try to do seems to work. I feel like those around me make it look easier...say, Eric just driving to LA without a job or money or friends or an apt. Yet, hes doing it. Or, liking Aaron. He couldnt care less, really, and im annoyed about that.

I am so frusterated (and scared). I want a fun job, a fun boy, and a fun place to live. Where that is and who that is are unknown. Life is unknown and I feel like I want a fucking break. I want some answers. I want my dad. I have never felt more lonely, scared, confused and helpless in all my life. I almost feel like I am at the point of "fuck it" not try. Its not in my blood to do that or act like that, but im close.

I work really hard. I try really hard. I know I have great friends. However, these past 2 years have been hell for so many reasons. I lost an ally in life. I lost my mentor, and my idol. I lost my direction, my life strength. My core was shaken so deep, and I lost myself. I lost my sense of self. I dont belong without my dad. He was the guy that made me feel so smart and funny and ambitious. He made me feel beautiful and successful. What happens if I never find that again. I mean the guy that I liked this past year has pretty much played me, and I feel like I was a business transaction for him...or a convenience. How shitty.

What if I never recover. Or find my way. My compass is no longer with me, and a little piece I was hoping would help me (said boy) turned out to only be selfishly into his own life. I dont get the feeling that he wants there to be space for me. He said there is a guarantee. No shit, theres no guarantee!??!? Jackass, life isnt a guarantee. His whole argument (and our whole conversation) was to me, a huge cop-out. I feel as though he wants it, yet others. BUUUUT, dude, if im paying for hotels and flights and trips, I want commitment. Thats not asking too much. (And, I have to say, if he really does send me a bill for the hotel room in South Carolina I might lose it. I may consider not paying it). Really.

Ok, this is getting rather lengthy, and I could keep typing for days about what is going on in my head. Hopefully the day will get better. Or I get some clarity. Thats what I need...some clarity!

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